WORLD FULL-BACK CRISIS CONFIRMED

21 February 2000

FIFA have today confirmed that world football is facing a major crisis - because the number of specialist full-backs is dramatically declining. 'The high profile of players such as Ronaldo, Zidane and Beckham have inspired many people to become forwards or midfielders, but we have no real role models to make teenagers want to become full-backs,' confirmed FIFA supremo Sepp Blatter. The FA have supported this claim, with an unnamed source commenting, 'With the Neville brothers being the most charismatic players in this position, it is hardly any wonder that the full-back's art is a dying one.'

Closer to home, Albion boss Brian Little has said that this news only confirms something that he has known for some time. 'There is, for sure, a major crisis in the number of full-backs in the country at the moment. This is why we've had to resort to playing people out of position in the full-back role, particularly when we lose key players like Jason van Blerk to international call ups.'

Little acknowledges that things could be worse for Albion, though. 'I was at a recent third division game on an important scouting mission, and was amazed to see one of the teams playing what looked like a 1950's sideboard in the left-back position. Apparently, I was told, it's becoming increasingly common for lower division clubs to play large pieces of furniture, and even occasionally fridges and gas cookers, in the full-back position. I think it's important that the fans understand this when they get frustrated that we are not making new signings ourselves in these positions.'

Little has dismissed claims, however, that Albion may resort to such tactics in their bid to avoid relegation. 'All that stuff is really just paper talk; besides I don't think we'd be able to get hold of the sideboard in question as the club concerned has recently sold a vending machine that was playing in the midfield and they don't want to weaken their squad.'

Unnamed sources at a second-hand furniture store in Stirchley have, however, confirmed that Albion have been in contact with them. 'We're expecting a bid at any time for a nice, 1930's wardrobe,' said the source, who confirmed that the price could be as much as 35 pounds (rising to 50 pounds depending on appearances). Asked about this, Little replied 'I can't confirm whether or not these reports are true, but all I can say is that at the end of the season we'll have to add up all our points, look at where we are in the table, and then see where we are.'

 - Gordon Lynch

Previous Stories:

  16 February 2000:  Miller heads off to Rovers

  11 February 2000:  Miller on the way to Rovers?

  11 February 2000:  Van Blerk sent of in Australia International

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