You're in for it now, matey

20 March 2002

"WE'LL KNOCK WARNOCK" SAY CRACK UK THUGS

PM Gives Green Light For South Yorkshire Search And Destroy Mission

By: Tim Sh*t

Tony Blair has given the green light for a battalion of crack UK Football thugs to join the hunt for AyeUp MeDuck Warnock, the notorious touchline terrorist.

1,000 troops from the crack New Den battalion will join the 600 Cardiff Posse troops already combing the Peak District looking for Warnock's hideout.

Wanted for crimes against football and a very average team management CV, AyeUp MeDuck Warnock is believed to be the criminal mastermind behind the terrible events on March 16th, the blackest day in British footballing history.

Armed with state-of-the art flick knives and the latest in broken bottle technology, our brave boys face an enemy that will stop at nothing to spread a gospel of terror, hatred and blatant disregard for Football Association rules.

"This man is pure evil," said Blair as he delivered a sweat-soaked, rhetoric-riddled speech during Prime Minister's Questions early today. "His vision is of a world where cheats prosper, cowards coo and tell-tale-twits terrorise law abiding players. His manifesto of hatred would see football pitches throughout the land full of argument, antagonism and agony."

The PM went on to say that he hadn't taken the decision to send in thugs lightly, adding that Parliament and the football supporting public at large should be prepared for casualties.

"This is a mission fraught with danger. Burberry caps will be torn, gold chains will be lost and Lacoste scarves will most likely be used as makeshift ligatures," he added. "But I want the people of Great Britain to know that we will not tolerate the actions of a man who poses the biggest threat to the terraces since Gazza took up the flute."

The Millwall Thugs are expected to fly into Sheffield later today, setting up base in the large 'It's A Scream' pub on West Street, only one mile from Bramhall Lane, scene of Saturday's carnage.

Security in Sheffield has been stepped up since events of March 16th. An iron cordon has been thrown around the Arts Tower - the Steel City's answer to the Empire States Building. Police have also advised all students not to make themselves look like students while the Millwall Fans are in town and bars and clubs have been warned to stock up on Pils.

Previous Stories:

  19 March 2002:  Koumas exit for Tranmere?

  19 March 2002:  Varga joins on loan

  18 March 2002:  More trouble for Sheffield

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