The Diary

15 December 2007: A Journey To Bilston, Home Of 'True Grot'.

It?s getting pretty close, now, isn?t it? ?That time of year?, I mean, where plump turkeys and their even plumper mates finally twig that all the heavy-duty feeding-up and TLC being lavished upon their feathery bodies isn?t necessarily for the good of their health. Far from it: the sound of axes being purposefully sharpened increases in volume with every single daylight hour that passes.

And with the gradual imminence of the Proper Great Day, there also comes other signs of festivity being perpetrated upon unwilling subjects. Take my other half, for example. His workplace has a wonderful tradition, it has to be said: ?Secret Santa?. But do not avert your eyes with glazed-over-boredom adhering to their sclera just yet, for my other half turns the whole thing into ?Secret Santa? with a subtle difference.

His somewhat unusual approach to the concept is to scour the entire Black Country for what one might term ?grot? ? in other words, common gift items so bad, they?re good. Last year, Bilston proved to be a particularly rich source of such items, so this time, we decided to pay a return visit. And believe you me, we weren?t disappointed.

So what did my other half end up with? One charity shop and one ?pound only? place later, we?d sorted it. (I?d been dragged along as general ?grot adviser?: I?m still trying to work out whether nor not that was meant to be complimentary!) From the first, we excavated a Santa that inhabited one of those swirly globes filled with liquid: shake the thing, and a ?snowstorm? appears.

The ?cheapo shop?? A bright-green sink-plunger was our second contribution to the merriment: that was my beloved?s flash of inspiration, but it took me to provide the real finishing touch ? a swirl of equally-bright green tinsel wrapped around it. I?d give anything you care to mention to be a ?fly on the wall? when the lady recipient gets around to opening the wrapping-paper, I really would!

Now, what else have we been up to this fine week? Oh, yeah. On Wednesday night, it was time for Sutton Branch?s annual Christmas bash, held, as per usual, at the Italian restaurant part-owned by former Baggie Richard Sneekes, in Wylde Green. ?Angelo?s? it?s called: the mere fact they managed to cope with well over fifty Baggie people a-suppin? and a-sittin? that night speaks volumes for the efficiency of the entire exercise.

Now this annual thrash is never complete unless there?s a ?special guest? invited specifically by the Hirsute One: last time, we ended up with a young Villa lad, second name Bouma, (and Big Dave!), but this time, he?d done us really proud: present at the bar, as everyone walked in, was none other than former Baggie Tony Morley: later still, Daryl Burgess and his missus also showed up.

It being well over 20 years since the lad Morley wore the famous stripes in anger ? in fact, my outstanding memory of him is furiously berating one of his team-mates with the savagely-barbed comment ?I?ve just run fifty reffin? yards with this chuffin? ball, where the blankity-blank hell were you?? ? I?d become a little unsure what he was doing these days. Oh ? and when he played for us, he always looked as though he was going to burst into tears at any moment. Mind you. that?s a catch-all you could attach to quite a few Albion players over the course of the last 25 years or so.

So ? what IS he doing? Very well indeed, according to our genial Dutch host. Not only is Our Tony involved in ?expert commentary? for Villa Park?s own radio station, he?s also big in kids? football coaching. Organising and taking sessions, I mean. Daryl? I didn?t get chance to hear what he was up to these days, but I am given to understand he?s now with Nuneaton Borough. Quite where he got that wonderful tan from, though, I?m still unsure. One thing?s for certain: it sure as hell couldn?t have been in the Black Country. Well, not with the mercury hitting freezing point these last few days.

As for the meal itself, once more, Richard?s restaurant vastly surpassed the gastronomic expectations of all concerned. A Christmas dinner, this, but one with a distinctively-Italian feel to it. Several menu options on offer there, ours being the minestrone soup, chicken portions, beautifully cooked, and accompanied by a wonderfully rich Parmesan and mushroom sauce, plus full supporting cast of Dingles (that?s ?vegetables? to you and me, squire!), and fried potato slices. For ?afters?, I stuck with tradition, and selected the Christmas pud, while my other half, not being much of a ?pudding? fan, went for the (several-score proof, judging from the boozy smell emanating from it!) tiramisu option.

Richard, who was on our table, passed on the Latin stuff, and went for the simple ?British? option instead. A steak, and a bloody big ?un, too. Surprising for someone who?s such a sophisticate in so many other ways, that, but it?s true. Chuck the lad a nice bit of sirloin, or T-bone, and he?s as happy as the proverbial porcine wallowing in raw sewage. What with all the various other projects inhabiting our former midfielder?s world these days, he?s quite a busy lad. Mind you, I should have guessed: back in his playing days, in stark contrast to when other team members liked to spend time travelling to away matches playing cards, the only thing you?d see in close proximity to Rapunzel The Second were various financial pages and supplements belonging to all the heavy-hitting Fleet Street broadsheets. The considerable financial acumen gained then is now reaping rich rewards indeed for Rich. Whoever gets their fingers burned by a possible recession, it sure as hell won?t be him. And one other thought. No ? he won?t be sending Gary Megson a card this Christmas! Can?t think why for a moment, me.

And now for the real ?acid test?. Would the notoriously-picky Michael Winner, he of the Sunday Times Weekly Review?s wonderfully-scathing back-page restaurant reviews, have enjoyed it at all, I wonder? Probably not: the sort of world he seemingly inhabits is one totally devoid of social aberrations like football supporters, and very big on money, lots of it. Not to mention those that have it. Get a Cabinet minister or three, or certain A-list film or TV ?gliterati? infesting the same place, and it might be a different story altogether. Mind you, what that might do to Richard?s regular Baggie-loving clientele, I simply can?t imagine ? and not in a positive sense, either.

Seriously, though ? many thanks to Sutton Branch?s very own ?Weakest Link? runner-up, Amanda, for the night, which all went off without even the smallest glitch popping up to mar it in any way. This festive meal was one of the best attended, ever. Incidentally, this year?s thrash also happens to coincide with Sutton Branch?s 20th anniversary. Believe it or not, their first meetings were held in a draughty old pokey-hole of a scout hut (or something very similar, so my other half tells me. I was still residing in Bristol, back then).

And despite other, much larger, some of ?em, branches meeting their Waterloo ? many reasons for that, up to and including the parent football club?s refusal to assist with providing current players as guests ? thanks to Mandy, and her diligent combings of the West Midlands football scene in search of suitable meeting-fodder, the branch still stands strong.

Thanks also to Andy, for those ?smoke breaks? (and for gamely wrestling with one mother of a swordfish portion, too: Remember, Andy, that etiquette always demands the use of a sabre with which to do culinary battle with such demanding beasts. Grabbing the chef?s two-forked-prongs, and shouting ?Banzai!? is NOT the done thing, in polite company! Be told by your Great Auntie Glynis!)

Right then. That?s the social whirl well and truly done with, so on with the REAL show, the football. Just in case you haven?t spent the whole of the previous week in a nuclear bunker, tomorrow we take on Charlton Athletic, at our place. Given the close proximity of our current League positions, further comment as to the sheer enormity of this one is superfluous.

Over the course of the past few weeks, our League progress has been marred to some extent by the absence of several key performers, viz: Ish Miller, Kev Phillips, Robbo, Alby, Clem, Morrison, Jesse Pennington?.. Oh dear, this is getting silly. Well, you all get my gist. Surprisingly, though, with no less than nine team changes to reckon with, everyone pulled together magnificently at Filbert Street last Saturday, to collectively produce what was a stonkingly-good 2-1 win. Being very much a ?scratch? side, we should have grabbed naff-all from the encounter, in theory, but in practice, things turned out so gratifyingly different, of course.

Deserving of particular praise at the Walkers Stadium were young keeper Luke Steele (that magnificent point-blank effort he pulled off at the end of the first half was truly keeping in the John Osborne class, it really was.), as was the superlative performance of Jared Hodgkiss at the back. Also praiseworthy was the performance of Pele, who was so solid throughout.

As for the lad Beattie, once his 25-yard thunderbolt winner entered the back of the net, all I could do was stage a pretty-convincing imitation of a goldfish jumping right out of water, and desperately gasping for breath! There are some situations in life that demand being met by the coolest and calmest of reactions, but this was most certainly NOT one of those occasions! More of the same, please, my man, now you know precisely where the back of the net is located!

Looking at what?s available for our delectation tomorrow, bar broken-toe victim Deano, and Hamstrung Mister Hoefkens, we now have a wealth of riches at our disposal, comparatively speaking ? but I?m sure that this isn?t the end of a starring role for some of the lads who held the Baggie fort so magnificently over the past few weeks. Jared certainly deserves an extended first team run: should that happen, it would count as a real victory for those who so vigorously champion the cause of genuinely home-grown talent.

So, who will be leading the line, tomorrow? Mogga isn?t saying: he?s allegedly toying with the idea of bringing the now-almost-recovered Kev Phillips back into the reckoning, our leader?s admitted options being, variously, starting with him up front, then possibly subbing him at some later stage; having him on the bench, just in case that additional bit of ?oomph? proves necessary to land the Addick?s heads on a plate ? with the third option being not including him in the squad at all! He has trained for some ten days to date, according to our leader, who also reckons he?s really raring to go. Can?t see him wanting to remain on the sidelines if he?s that fired up for it ? can you?

As for the others, most sites seem to lump Ish Miller in with those considered ready for a return to full playing duties, but unless Mogga knows something about his fitness I don?t, then I can?t in all honesty see him lining up in that centre circle to start, tomorrow. Indications are that he?s only been in ?proper? training for a matter of three or four days, and no matter what the enthusiasm level of the guy might be, I can?t see our Mogga risking it.

There?s a time to gamble and a time to be prudently pragmatic, and this is certainly the right moment for the second option to come into play. And, talking about ?prudent pragmatism?, we could also see the return of our two ?prodigals? (the recently-suspended, but now turned over a new leaf, honest to God, Guvnor!) Paul Robinson, and Bostian Cesar. So many options, all of a sudden, and so many ways to deploy them. Providing everything goes to plan, and we don?t end up with anyone else needing skilled medical assistance, we should be back to something approaching full strength, come the start of the festive season proper.

That could go one of two ways: the restoration of a ?proper? side once more could see us showing a clean pair of heels to all the other Championship contenders, come the advent of Hogmanay. Conversely ? and I sincerely hope I?ve got this badly wrong, y?all ? we could end up stuffing up in spectacular style, too. But, as the Yanks would say: ?In Mogga We Trust.? I do have my own views as to how this particular episode in the ongoing saga of West Bromwich Albion might end, but for the moment, at least, I?m keeping this one very much under my hat!

Mind you, looking at what Charlton have to play with, right now, I don?t think they?re going to enjoy tomorrow too much, either. Currently suspended (and therefore out of the reckoning, of course) are Jonathan Fortune (3 games, for seeing ?red? last week), plus Danny Mills and Lloyd Sam (both having accumulated 5 bookings apiece). Who?s been naughty little boys, then?

The aforementioned could mean Majdid Bougherra and Yassin Moutaouakil both stepping up to the plate for the South London outfit: should that happen, and they both start for Charlton, the next sound you?re likely to hear is that of our regular matchday announcer shooting himself! Well, you try getting your tongue around that little lot at short notice, and see where it gets you!

Waiting upon medical clearance to play in tomorrow?s top-of-the-table bun-fight will be left-back Chris Powell, concussed versus Ipswich last week. Definitely sidelined, though, will be Grant Basey, who has a groin problem, knee-victim Ben Thatcher, and Cory Gibbs, he of the poorly foot. So there you have it ? we might still be in a bit of a hole regarding injuries, sure, but I would also contend that Charlton still have their own problems to sort out, in that respect. More so, when you finally sit and think about it.

Should we manage to win this one, we?ll go top of the heap, if only for a matter of a couple of hours. That?s because of our early kick-off, of course, which is 12.45 pm, just in case you?ve been hunkering down in the very same nuclear bunker I mentioned at the very start of this wretched piece!

REFEREE WATCH?. For this one, we?re scheduled to ?entertain? a Mr. P Taylor. Linos are M. Astley and G. S. Stretton. Neither of those three rings any bells right now, so I?m working on the assumption that no news is good news. Unless you know better, of course! Your genial fourth official? A chap called R.L. Lewis (no relation to The Noise, by the way. If that were the case, we?d still be arguing the toss this time next week!).

MILLER-WATCH?.. Peterborough United and Milton Keynes Dons? It?s YOOOOUUUUUU! Time to ask the Good Lord precisely what you?ve done to offend Him in a previous life, guys! (HINT: Having Barry Fry for a chairman, and MK Dons becoming nowt but an ungodly franchise must surely count for SOMETHING!)

And Finally?? One. A quick word for everyone reading this concerning a brand-new book that?s hit the shelves these past few days, and yep ? there?s an Albion connection. Well, a pretty hefty one, actually. It?s all about former Albion player Martin Jol, lately of Spurs, but now collecting Jobseekers Allowance cheques by the handful. Probably a gross exaggeration, there, of course, but you all know what I mean. Errrr ? I hope!

No, seriously, the book?s called ?Martin Jol: The Inside Story?, it?s written by Harry Harris, once of the ?Mirror?, but now enjoying life with The Daily Express, and based upon twelve months worth of interviews with the former Spurs gaffer, as conducted by the aforementioned tabloid journo. The low-down on the run-up to the former Baggie?s sacking by Spurs is covered in detail, too. Cover price? ?19.99, pp 214, plus illustrations. Where to buy? Waterstones, Amazon or try play.com. Negotiations currently ongoing for the club shop having a stock of the things themselves.

Other content? There?s quite a hefty chunk about our former Dutch Destroyer?s Albion days, back in the early 1980?s, for a start. How do I know that? Simple: ?Im Indoors was primarily responsible for penning that bit ? along with a little additional help from his Baggie friends, who were, in this instance, Diary ?regulars? Bryn Jones, Paul Collins, Neil Reynolds and John Clegg respectively. Hope that?s covered all of the ?guilty party?! (Order of mention not strictly proportional to actual amount of hard yakka put in by the above, by the way. Lads ? I love you all!)

Oh ? one other thing. That nice chap Finbarr, who runs the Boing website in which this piece normally lives, is going to run a competition shortly, with a copy of the learned tome mentioned above offered as the main prize. More details as I get ?em ? so keep ?em peeled for when I do!

Two? Earlier in the week, in company with three cats, we sat and watched the progress of the Chasetown-Port Vale FA Cup replay. Well, watched it via the Sky matchday news programme, of course, along with various reports of other important games coming in as well.

And what an amazing cliff-hanger it was, too. For much of the game, the same scoreline ? 0-0 - flashed up with monotonous regularity. Then, just before the scheduled end of the show for extra time to take place, a dramatic turn of events indeed occurred. With just a couple of minutes left, Chasetown actually nicked it by the odd goal! And, even more hilarious, just as the chap detailed by Sky to spend 90 miserable minutes in the cold and wet commentating went on-air, that?s the moment they scored. I must say, it didn?t do a lot for the guy?s professional image, either, to suddenly end up sporting a rather racy number in Santa hats, not to mention endless cries of Chasetown joy assailing his now-sorely-abused tympanic membranes.

As far as I was concerned, Play-Off Finals apart, being the gross annoyance they usually were when it came to playing them in the League, Vale deserved just about everything they got coming to them that night. But the other bit of information I received about that game ? that of Vale actually missing no less than two spot-kicks ? suddenly stirred something I?d previously considered long-buried in my mind.

Press the Baggies ?rewind? button back to 1991, and the time we played them ? and lost - at home. Remember what happened? Albion missing two penalties as well as those three vital survival points, and the way our then-chairman huffily responded to the terrifying avalanche of Brummie Road vituperation cascading down in the aftermath of that awful game? That?s why I?m now wondering whether or not Vale?s chairman used precisely the same excuse as our very own ?Hissing Sid?, viz: ?It wasn?t ME that missed those penalties!.....?

 - Glynis Wright

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