The Diary

01 December 2007: Matters Concerning Swansea City, Sutton Branch, And Selhurst Park.

Coo ? I?m starting this piece directly after watching the FA Cup antics of Horsham and Swansea City on Sky. Going by the awful state of the pitch there, it wasn?t so much a creditable 1-1 replay earned by the home side, via a penalty about 5 minutes before the end, after The Swans took the lead in the first half, more a case of ?We Fought The Mud And The Mud Won?. Yes, it really was bad: torrential rain throughout the entire game, which sort of put the ?icing? on the mud-bespattered cake, really.

You could tell it was that sort of game by simply looking at the ref: although not directly involved in the proceedings, he was liberally bespattered, too. Mind you, the bloke who really ought to get top marks for his performance tonight is the Horsham keeper: as the game progressed, not only did the mud stick, so did the ball, to his gloved fingers. Talk about cats and nine lives: if keepers have similar, then that guy must have used up most of ?em tonight.

No matter what the visitors did, however many times they got shots on target, he thwarted them all comprehensively. A fair number of those stops were somewhat fortuitous, agreed, but there were also moments when the sheer adrenalin-rush of the game seemed to serve him exceptionally well, too. In short, the bloke played right out of his skin ? and good luck to him.

As for Swansea, once the final whistle went, surely they must have returned straight to their dressing-room, then spent the remaining minutes before boarding their coach collectively banging their heads against the brick walls. It really must have been that frustrating for them. Still, I expect they?ll get it right in the replay: knowing a certain section of the Swansea community like I do, the last thing they?ll want to do is stuff up at their place. Not many footballers I know enjoy hospital food.

Now for a little look at what we were up to last night. Nothing smutty, I assure you, but it did involve The Fart: him, and a little car journey to the suburbs of Sutton Coldfield, and the pub where Sutton Branch SC hang out these days. Last night was their usual meeting, and their guest on this particular occasion Chris Lepkowski, of Birmingham Evening Mail fame, match reporter to the gentry (with a few Albion supporters chucked in for good measure).

When we got to the venue, I had to do a quick double-take the minute I walked into the bar there. How come? There was Fraser Allen, well known Baggie of that parish ? and wearing a pair of GLASSES ? and not those of the ?beer? variety, either! Heavy-rimmed ones, and oh-so delicately balanced on the end of his widgem-squidgem ickle nose, too. At the very least, you do have to ask yourself one simple question: what?s next, I wonder? A pipe? Pair of slippers? Tin of Werther?s Old Originals surreptitiously secreted about his person? Pensioner?s bus pass? At this rate, I can quite easily envision the lad joining us Thermos-and-travel-rug-toting Old Farts in the Halfords, ere too many moons have waxed and waned. Having nearly allowed my bladder to give me much embarrassment as a direct result of profound shock at the incredible sight standing before me, I had to say something ? so I did.

?Look at this,? I exclaimed, mock horror plastered all over my mush, and finger pointing straight at The Object In Question. Then, to Fraser: ?You look very sagacious. Erudite, too. And ? erm ? ?magisterial?!? As for Mandy, she was curled up laughing. Mind you, I soon shut her up: she was owed some heavy-duty grief of her own, after her recent TV appearance!

Having sorted out the drinks, I then headed on out into the extension where Sutton mob normally hung out on these occasions. No sooner had I entered, though, the distinct feeling something was substantially different yammered for attention at the back of my brain. Then, realisation dawned: the proprietors had rearranged the seating. Instead of rows of chairs with an aisle running through the middle, there were now only three seats per row, and the space moved to the right hand side of the room. All in all, it evoked vague memories of passenger aircraft cabins (the three-seat per row arrangement was the clincher).

Having sat down on the row of seats The Fart had reserved for we three intrepid Baggies, it wasn?t too long before more people began to drift in. And, yes ? they, too, were greatly surprised at the change. Time to put my impressions into words, then. ?This doesn?t half remind me of inside a plane,? I remarked to the couple of elderly ladies sitting in front. ?And look ? I?ve got the ?window seat?!? Just call them ?Sutton Branch Airways?, eh?

Their ?Chief Flight Attendant? did a cracking job, that night, not only organising her ?cabin crew?, but the ?in-flight entertainment?, Chris L. as well. And the ?in-flight meal? of sundry sarnies went down a treat as well. Not that the title of a very well-known mid-1970?s hit by 10cc would ever pass my lips, though. Er - well it would, actually, and with very little prompting, too! ?So, come on you Baggie-people. Who?s game for a quick chorus of ?I?m Mandy ? Fly Me??

Seriously, though, it was a good night. Chris was in topping form, and as this was a gathering of like minds together, the proceedings quickly assumed the casual ambience of a good evening with friends down the pub, just talking ?Baggies?. Because this was so relaxed an occasion, I have had to be somewhat circumspect about what I?m relating, but you?ll get my overall drift, no doubt.

So where do we ? or Chris, more like ? start then? Well, despite Chris?s somewhat diminutive height, there?s a lot more to the lad than meets the eye. He?s the only journo I know who?s managed to stink out an entire Press contingent courtesy a ?doggie bag? of curry, for starters! How come?

This goes back to that vital Bradford game in 2002, the one where Igor Balis put us above the Dingles for the first time with that last-minute penalty of his. Before the game, Chris and his sister Dot decided to sample the many delights of the Bradford curry house trade, and being that rare journalistic bird, a genuine supporter of the club he writes about for a living, it wasn?t all that long into the meal before he discovered that his pre-match nerves were playing him up something awful, with predictable effects upon his appetite.

So what did he do instead? Get the restaurant staff to put the remainder of his meal into a ?doggy bag? for him, to sample after the final whistle. And as he went direct from the restaurant to the ground, ?takeaway? and all, the rest you can guess! I can just picture the look of complete and utter disdain on the faces of the Fleet Street mob as the fumes spread in the confined space. And it was a hot day?.. ?It?s journalism, Jim, but not as we know it!?

That was my little anecdote about Chris: time to let ?yer man? speak for himself, methinks. Again, a reminder: some things I?ve had to leave deliberately vague. Gera going to Bolton, and Mogga on his way to Boro? So much horse-pucky, as far as Chris is concerned. Managerial relations with players are excellent: there was a problem with one particular player last season, but no problems with the current crop.

Regarding Chris?s own professional relationship with the players, there was a time in the past when some gave him grief over stuff he?d written, but they were always OK after a little chat and increased awareness of what Chris was actually trying to do. As for the players themselves, they have now forged a pretty strong bond with each other, even the lads that don?t speak English very well are hitting it off very well indeed with those born and bred in this country. Oh ? and Chris is very happy to report he has a very good working relationship with Mogga, too.

Talking about our manager, after that infamous game involving the elegant, lovely and untalented Mister Miller (my words, not Chris?s), there was an almighty volcanic explosion from Mogga after the final whistle, which was most unlike him. That explains why he got reported to the FA, of course. Mind you, Chris did say that as long ago as three years in the past, that particular whistler?s name had stood out in lights for some reason or another, so he wasn?t totally surprised by what happened.

A little more light was shed on the background to the two who wanted away pre-season, Curtis Davies and Paul Robinson, and how both situations panned out in the end. We were also told how some of some of our foreign imports came to be at the club, and how they came to our notice in the first place.

Gary Megson? ?An interesting character,? said Chris, somewhat enigmatically. But one with a penchant for changing moods as often as the wind, apparently, plus laden with a degree of paranoia that even the late Uncle Joe Stalin would envy. Despite all that, though, some players ? some of them the very last people you would expect, too ? regarded him with considerable fondness and respect.

In Chris?s opinion, had it not been for this particular flaw in his psychological make-up, he would have been a successful and established Premier League manager ages ago. But all that aside, you still couldn?t take away his two promotions, a losing play-off place, and, right at the very beginning of Megson?s reign, saving us from the drop to League One. Plus my own thought: he also got rid of the dead wood that had held us back on the playing side for so long, something no Albion gaffer had managed to do in a long time.

Should we get there this season, did Chris think we could stay in the Prem for longer than just the two terms? With the lads Mogga?s got now, plus some necessary strengthening work in some positions ? always needed once a side goes up, of course ? yes, they could hold their own. That might not necessarily have been the case had we, and not Derby, succeeded at Wembley, however. Oh ? and in answer to one question from the floor, he did make it clear he?s not responsible for the headlines to his pieces: that?s all done by sub-editors, not him personally!

Jeremy Peace? Very proactive when he first came to the club, but the situation is now very different. He?s mellowed a lot, elects to stay in the background, and rarely speaks to the press, now. An indirect result of the various PR changes our chairman wrought at the club is that when Chris wants to do an interview with players, the club is heavily involved also. This can be a little overpowering, sometimes. One particular regret from Chris: he thinks it a great pity players don?t attend Supporters Club meetings as much as they did just a few seasons ago.

A little bit more about the proposed refurbishment of the Halfords Lane Stand, which has to be done come the end of the current term, for health and safety reasons, apparently. Unsurprisingly, given the reason cited, this will involve some major alterations to the place, and not just a superficial ?lick of paint? jobbie. This will involve major re-adjustments to gangways and seating, with the possibility of both player changing rooms being moved from there also.

After the final whistle at Wembley, there was an incredible air of ?Where do we go from here?? about our dressing-room. Players reacted to the massive body-blow of the Derby defeat in various ways, some angry, some with heads very much down, and some thinking in terms of their next move, no doubt. Those who talked of leaving were undoubtedly pushed by agents. That includes one current player who, despite press reports to the contrary, is actually very happy indeed to remain at the club. Only Jonathan Greening said unequivocally: ?I?m staying?.? Big Dave, and his astonishing magnanimity for the losers after the final whistle? Chris thought that at the time, Big Dave was under the impression that he?d played his last major game for Derby.

Now to a subject of which I do have some personal experience: the difficulties of balancing one?s one-eyed love and support for the Baggies with that of pursuing a journalistic career, where even-handedness and impartiality has to come first and foremost. The thing is, as I discovered back in the days when we ran Grorty Dick fanzine, we sometimes came by certain snippets about our favourite football club, the very nature of which were a little akin to shifting heavy rocks in the garden aside, turning them over, then spotting all the little crawly things writhing underneath for the very first time. In other words, it didn?t half help to have an ?off switch?, sometimes.

So who was designated the task of going in goal, should the first-choice keeper get clobbered during the course of a game, and no reserve on the bench? Alby, believe it or not ? or that was the guy designated to take up the gloves, before he most unsportingly got injured, of course! Mind you, I do have to reserve a little look askance for our current choice. Zoltan Gera, would you believe? No, and I was having trouble with that mental image as well! Seriously, though ? the club are now looking at decent cover for Deano as a matter of some urgency, if what Chris had to say is right.

Shergar? A ?confidence player? Chris reckons, and one capable of a whole lot more than he?s currently producing, so the club believe. Technically, excellent, but can?t quite reproduce it on the field of play, as yet. An interesting tale from Chris about Rowan Vine, by the way, involving us, Blues, and the way a certain story was leaked on local radio. Those who remember what happened might get the gist.

Yet more about agents, their role in the game, and the sometimes pernicious effect they can have on clubs, players, managers ? not to mention those long-suffering journos who get fed duff info by them! Chris wants to see the sector better policed, but he did temper that remark with the observation that the decent ones did have a role in football. Believe it or not, even Albion themselves have agents!

Some transfer negotiations are protracted for reasons beyond the control of all parties, which can be frustrating for all involved, but on the other hand, there are times when everything proceeds without a hitch. Chris Brunt?s move, for example, which proceeded from first enquiry to ?done and dusted? all within the space of just 24 hours.

And that was it, in a nutshell. There was much more, of course, but for reasons of space ? and the sheer amount of time taken typing just this little lot out! ? I?ve had to be selective in what I?ve used. Sorry my words didn?t quite relay the frank and free way in which the talk proceeded ? as I pointed out from the start, this was very much a ?meeting of Baggie minds? - but for obvious reasons, I also had to be a little bit circumspect in what I actually used. But the entire meeting went off in the sort of constructive way you generally get with the Sutton mob, so a pretty good time was had by all, I reckon. Well done Chris L.

And so to the ?dirty job that has to be done? finally. A quick look at tomorrow?s game, and all who sail in it. Apparently, the only two players looking doubtful for Saturday?s Selhurst Park beanfeast are Paul Robinson and Carl Hoefkens, who both picked up slight knocks on Wednesday night, but Mogga says that with a leetle bit of ?ice and rest? ? careful, now, just look what ice did to that poor Antarctic cruise ship last weekend! ? plus the fact they?re both feeling much better in themselves, we should certainly be having the pleasure of their services versus Warnock?s latest troglodyte collection of Undead. Any further changes will either be due to unforeseen circumstances, or just minor adjustments to a winning side.

If we can win this one, that will make it our fourth away victory on the bounce. Not only that, but we?ll be on top of the heap ? well, at least until Watford finish their game versus Bristol City, which starts late due to live TV coverage. According to captain Jonathan Greening, everyone?s cooking on gas, very confident they can get something out of the game. Team spirit has been fostered considerably by the squad staying in Devon for an extra day, then proceeding to South London the day before, as per normal. I do wonder, though, whether the feelings of their ?significant others?, deprived of their loved ones for a couple of extra days, will also match up to that?

And what about ?Colin W? and his not-so-merry mob, then? Well, Mogga, ever the diplomat, certainly chose his words well! ?I?ve had a look at Palace?s reports,? he said, on the club website. ?They?re a Neil Warnock side, so you know what to expect. They will be hard-working and committed. James Scowcroft and Clinton Morrison will be a handful, while Ben Watson, who is a good footballer, will be a threat. They are fighting and scrapping, and seem to be gelling, now. We need a similar performance to Wednesday?s. We need to go to Palace in a similar vein.?

One thing Mogga didn?t mention, though. At the start of the season they got in a load of loan signings, with only two, only Tony Craig and Jeff Hughes, coming as a result of ?pukka? transfers in. Watch out also for wunderkind John Bostock, just 15 years of age (what were Social Services doing, allowing it to happen, that?s what I want to know!), who made his first team debut versus Watford last September.

Their injury news etc? Despite the addition of a considerable quantity of ?tongue of newt? and ?eye of bat? to the ghastly-looking mix already bubbling away merrily in the pharmaceutical cauldron, Chief Warlock Warnock will probably be without the services of Paul Ifill for this one. A hamstring problem is what?s ailing him, apparently. Left back Tony Craig is their only other problem. Not counting their obnoxious gaffer, that is.

At the moment, Palace occupy 18th spot in the table, but as they?re playing us on the back of a five-game unbeaten spell, where they racked up three draws and two successive wins, they?ll be looking towards trying to stick a pretty hefty spoke into our own unbeaten record themselves. They have had slightly longer to get over their own midweek game, too. That 2-1 home win over Preston took place 24 hours before we did battle with Argyle.

Of one thing I?m sure, though. Whatever the outcome, we?ll certainly come away from South London knowing we?ve been in a game. Warnock is that sort of manager, and tomorrow?s referee (see below for full delightful details!) is that sort of a pain in the fundament. Baggies Travel sets sail for the metropolis at nine am. with El Tel and myself on one of the coaches. ?Im Indoors plumped for the heady delights of Edgar Street, and their FA Cup tie with Hartlepool instead.

In the event of a home win for the cider-slurpers, or a draw, even, I?m just hoping and praying we don?t pull them out of the hat come Sunday. My nerves wouldn?t stand the strain! Besides that, having divided loyalties caused by being brought (dragged?) up in the area, just who would my other half support? Them? Us? Both? And before you think that?s unlikely to happen (about a 1 in 64 chance, apparently, a bit less than that of getting three balls up on the Lottery), that?s precisely what I said about the Dingles, last term!

And Finally??. AAARRGH! A quick warning before the Palace game ? this ISN?T a joke (although I wish to hell it were?.). The ref officiating at tomorrow?s Selhurst Park bun-fight? None other than URIAH RENNIE, whose wonderfully even-handed, totally competent display in the middle during our game at Leicester, last term, even now evokes gasps of sheer delight, whenever and wherever the subject is raised. Mind you, only a copper-bottomed blithering idiot like that could end up with a fourth official called ? wait for it! ? Mr. DEADMAN. Which is precisely where I hope the career of the man in the middle is headed ? and fast!

AND ANOTHER THING?.. According to The Fart, as related on our way to Sutton last night, new kids on the TV block, Setanta, actually asked Man U if they could kick off their Prem League game at 8 pm. Nothing so unusual about that, you might think, given the fact every TV company this side of the Channel?s currently doing the same thing with live games ? but this one was a bit different. Eight at night, all right ? but on Christmas Eve? No, that wasn?t an error on my part, that?s what they genuinely wanted to do!

Fortunately for everyone?s peace of mind, United told Setanta where to get off on this occasion, but not every Premier League club wallows in the midst of such ridiculous amounts of monetary largesse, of course. Suppose they then asked a club really strapped for cash? Would they take the proffered ?thirty pieces of silver?, no questions asked, and sod what their supporters wanted? Could be the thin edge of a very nasty wedge, this. Watch this space.

 - Glynis Wright

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