The Diary

22 September 2007: Some 'Irons Therapy' In The Offing For All The Former GD Crew.

Oh, dear. Not a good start to the weekend for my other half, I?m afraid. Last night, as we returned from dropping El Tel off at his place, I began to form the strong suspicion that he was going down with some sort of lurg or another: less than 24 hours later, my suspicions were confirmed, when he came home from work looking horribly like something the cats had dragged in and then decided they didn?t want.

After he?d fallen asleep on our sofa for the second time, I realised that an early night for the lad would be just the ticket: that, in turn, meant ringing my stepmother, and explaining we wouldn?t be able to make it. Oh, well ? we?d only have been talking about house purchases and football anyway, so she?s had a pretty narrow squeak of it. As have my two sisters, come to think about it. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the next time I ventured upstairs, all I could discern were the sounds of contented - albeit slightly sniffy! ? snoozing.

Quite a contrast to the night before, when the pair of us, plus The Fart, made our way to the place where Sutton Branch hold forth these days. It?s a pub, not too far from Butler?s Lane train station, but as to the actual name of the pub, I haven?t the foggiest idea. One of those things I should know, but don?t. Sorry. What I did know was that a couple of Radio WM journos had ended up on Mandy?s hit-list that night, her recent attempt to procure the services of a certain Albion manager having fell through. The names of these luminaries of local broadcasting? Paul Franks, aka ?Franksy?, and his Sports Editor, Mark Gregan (no relation to the former Baggies player, as far as I know).

But there was also a quite unexpected turn to the evening, for us, and it all stems from a visit to Sydney, around five or six years ago. Back then, while we were in the city, Sydney Baggies had done us proud, inviting us to one of their frequent knees-ups with an Eastern flavour, its normal venue The Eastern Fantasy (ooer, missus ? is that something to do with the Karma Sutra?) curry house. And although the proprietor has closed the branch where they normally hung out, they now meet at Eastern Fantasy Number Two ? and what?s more, just like the time we met them first, an Oz Baggies sticker still adorns the front of the place with pride, something that really brasses off the stray Man United, Arse and Chelski supporters one finds there, sometimes.

As I recall events that night, we had a really great time ? and what?s more, I even found something on the menu that didn?t have me erupting in a most anti-social manner, as most spicy stuff does with me, these days! Great fun it was ? and here was one of the blokes there that night, Mike Trigg, all dressed up in an Albion shirt with ? yes, you?ve guessed it ? the legend ?OZBAGGIE? printed on the back. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he has now fetched up in this country once more, presumably visiting ?rellies?, and will be taking in some Baggies culture along the way, hence his appearance at this meeting. Mind you, he?ll have to be pretty quick, as he has to catch the big white bird taking him back, next Wednesday.

Just before the start of Mandy and Fraser?s little soiree with the local media, the conversation suddenly veered around to the thorny subject of Pommie immigrants. Said I, in response to some slightly naughty quip or other Mike had made: ?Yeah, but some came with a ball and chain on their legs, don?t forget!?

Said Mike: ?Yeah, and with the Wolves supporters, we make them keep it on?.?

Additionally, both The Fart and myself got some additional feedback about the laughable Ashton Gate seating arrangements: apparently, we weren?t the only ones to almost fall victim to No Seat Back Syndrome: several others reported nearly succumbing to the same complaint. It was then that I repeated what the pair of us had said on the night, viz: if someone leaned back in error, forgetting those seats didn?t have backs, and then got injured, would Bristol City then have a civil case to answer for? Not being legally qualified, I haven?t the faintest idea, although morally, I reckon there might be a case to answer. Any budding legal eagles out there know the answer to that one?

Returning to the nitty-gritty of Sutton Branch once more, as per usual, it was Amanda that presided over the proceedings, but with one important difference: waving her ? erm ? crutch (no, not THAT sort, you silly Baggies!), a legacy of the injury she so recently sustained. And, believe it or not, this season represents the 20th anniversary of the founding of that branch. I have to say, though, that it?s only because of the hard work done by all the Committee members regarding sourcing guest speakers, that they?re still going strong. As you may know, because of insurmountable difficulties on that score, loads of other branches have had no alternative but to fold ? so keep on truckin?, Sutton!

As I can only refer to the meeting and what was discussed in general terms, these days ? not the doing of Mandy, etc. I assure you ? my narrative will have to be brief, sadly, but among the topics discussed, were these: Both journalists accept that Albion can never aspire to the heights of the likes of Man United, ever again. Those days have long since gone. Elland Road, they both find ?intimidating?. They both prefer Cardiff?s Millennium Stadium to Wembley: one of them called it a ?Giant Walkers Stadium, no atmosphere?? The discussion then turned to Jeremy Peace, his efforts to buy up additional shares, and What?s His Game, Guv? Let?s just say I?m in agreement with most of what was said. Doug Ellis? A lovely turn of descriptive phrase, this: ?If he was chocolate, he?d eat himself!$Aided and abetted by a cohort of gently drifting daddy-long-legs (making an appearance around a month later than normal ? but, as far as the animal kingdom is concerned, just what the hell IS ?normal? in these days of incipient climate change? ? our gruesome twosome then began to warm to their task. This time, in their sights were Sky and the Premier League. Both reckoned that sooner or later, the bubble would burst, and because clubs in that league are so much in hock, financially speaking, a collapse could cause problems. Supporters? So many clubs think supporters will turn up for games, no matter what the cost ? but, as our intrepid two pointed out, would they? Everyone has their financial limit.

Mention of the Prem then led on to words from the floor about the disparity, in terms of media coverage, between the Championship and the Prem. Was the fault that of a media corps, primarily based in London, that hogs the national agenda? Words, both from the floor and the top table, about Tony Butler. ?Biased, or just senile??, as one member so graphically put it! Just like I?d said recently, the consensus of the meeting was that he was a ?shock jock? long before Britain came to hear the term used in broadcasting. I had heard he?d cottoned on to the idea when in Canada for a holiday - , so there you are, then, you useless bunch of lumberjacks ? IT?S ALL YOUR BLOODY FAULT!

As for the prime reason for the existence of Sutton Branch, the parent football club, when running the rule over the strengths and weaknesses of the lads we?ve got already, both media chappies seem of the opinion that Mowbray has now got it right, more or less, but might need an additional striker to provide the additional pazzaz that gets you promoted.

Plus, as someone from the floor pointed out, another keeper. That made sense: sure, Deano?s doing great at the moment, but what happens if he?s either injured or suspended? Sure, I know there are special provisions in the rules for getting in keepers outside the transfer window, but it?s still a niggling worry, all the same. And, one other subject of concern: did our ball-merchants have the ability to stand up to the division?s real thugs, some of whom we?re still to encounter? Maybe that?s when our ?horses for courses? policy might pay real dividends?

Encouragingly, the consensus, both from the floor and the top table, was that Mogga would get us promoted. And that?s where it started to get really interesting, folks: apparently, Fransky et. al. had done some research, into what sort of win ratios past Baggies managers had enjoyed, compared with Mogga. The answers were quite surprising, actually: on 50%, the present incumbent is right up there with the current Premiership top four, and way, way ahead of most past gaffers, Jimmy Hagan, Alan Ashman, Johnny Giles, and Atkinson included.

In Ashman?s case, a 37% kill-rate only, you could have knocked me down with a whole lorry-load of feathers. Even bloody Don Howe managed to creep into the forties, teacher?s pet Bobby Gould up front, or no Bobby Gould! Maybe I?m still looking at Ashman?s reign through blue and white tinted spectacles, but I honestly would have thought the figure would have been much higher than that. I can?t remember all the results, mind, but I know a man who will! TERR-YYYYY!!!!

Anyway, it all made for a great evening: for us, for the Sutton Branch peeps, and also for the lad from Sydney Branch. Cor ? what a distance to come for a Supporters Club meeting, although the lad did remind me, quite rightly, that when former chairman Paul Thompson, on a business trip to the New South Wales state capital, agreed to be a guest at a Sydney Branch soiree, there were some Baggies who flew all the way from Perth (a 4 to 5 hour flight, such are the vast distances in that continent), to be there on the night!

That?s all the Sutton stuff out of the way, then. Now for tomorrow, and what our trip to Scunny might mean for the fortunes of our favourite football club. First off, tomorrow will be the very first time I?ve ever set foot inside Glanville Park, one of the very few remaining League grounds I?ve yet to visit. You can?t miss it ? head along the main drag from Sheffield, in the direction of Grimsby ? a detention for the Baggie at the back who shouted ?WHY??! ? and you?ll see the town proper on the left, a horribly ugly tangle of steel and chemical works, all of which seem to be going full-blast, if the huge gouts of flames emanating from those massive chimneys are anything to go by.

My other half has been there, but that was way back in the early eighties, when Ian Botham turned out for them, as I understand it. Although he told me that the place is about the size of Walsall?s ground, of similar capacity, and formerly surrounded on four sides by miles and miles of carrot fields, he?s been informed that since then, a huge industrial estate has mushroomed all around the place.

It?s also an immutable law of Nature that where there?s people working in numbers, there also has to be pubs for them to go for lunchtime victuals ? and, in Scunny?s case, this particular aspect of mass catering has finally sprung up over the course of recent years, grown with the new industrial estate, so I?m given to understand. A definite improvement, that, as I?m not all that keen on carrot juice drunk by the pint ? know wot I mean, ?Arry?

Having employed one lot of players for the trip to Bristle City, moi dear, ?oo arr, ?oo arr, what Mogga proposes to do about Scunny should prove interesting. Deano?s name will be etched upon a teamsheet consisting of tablets of stone, of course: it?s all the rest that may, or may not find themselves participating, especially when you come to consider the frenetic, Cup-tie, almost, tempo at which Tuesday?s game was played. Will some be plumb knackered, still, after all that effort?

As for the outfield, the word on the streets is that Cesar might be out, due to a back problem ? not the old chandelier trick again, is it, I hope? ? and although Clem will be available, I?d keep it simple, and stick with what we played in central defence on Tuesday night, i.e. Alby and Barnett. On the defensive flanks, Robbo?s name is also cast in tablets of stone, with Hoefkens partnering him.

Midfield? As per usual, perm any four from Zoltan Gera, the newly-recovered Robert Koren, Greening, Brunt, Chappy (who did so well at Bristle, much to everyone?s surprise, may I add), Morrison, Pele and Tex. I would imagine that those who didn?t figure, or ended up on the bench at Ashton Gate, might well get first dibs this time round. Either that, or get used when we play Cardiff next week.

Now for the strikers. With Sluskarski nursing a gammy ankle, and Bednar reportedly not yet match fit, I can only assume that he?ll stick with the current Kev Phillips/Beattie/Miller combo, with one of the three acquiring bum splinters, courtesy the bench. As Miller still has to reach full match fitness, Mogga might continue the status quo by keeping him there until our leader deems his moment of glory draweth near, with Beattie partnering Our Kev. Maybe, just maybe, the lad Beattie might see a way out of his current barren spell, tomorrow.

As for Scunny, their main man appears to be Martin Paterson. Formerly with Stoke, he?s got four goals for the Lincolnshire side this term. There?s also a bit of an historical twist ? no, I said ?historical?, NOT ?hysterical?! ? tomorrow, Mogga being the first Albion manager ever to bring our side to their place for a League encounter. We have played them before, three times, in fact, but it?s always been in the Cup. However, Mogga has had previous experience of the place ? but as a player, it would seem. Back in 1989, our leader was one of a Football League side that opposed an Old Scunthorpe XI, that event being staged to open Glanville Park ?officially?. Mind you, given Scunny managed to field two of their ?Old Boys?, Kevin Keegan and Ray Clemence, in that game, they couldn?t have been a pushover.

Mogga reckons that the place has an ambience similar to that of Colchester, in which case, it shouldn?t be too bad, considering we managed to beat them, on their own patch, last season! And our manager has respect in quantity for their current gaffer, Nigel Adkins, physio-turned-manager, apparently, after the departure of Brian Laws, around a year ago. Him and Laws were players together at Middlesbrough, but doesn?t know an awful lot about the present incumbent, although he does acknowledge that what Adkins has done, switch roles completely following Laws? departure for Sheffield Wednesday, is a little too radical for his tastes. Mind you, Mogga reckons that after the game, win, lose draw, whatever, he?s going to have a right old chin-wag with the guy, which sounds about par for the course, as far as our leader is concerned. My prediction? A draw, I suspect. Playing these sort of sides is never easy, is it?

And Finally??.. One. ?DO NOT STRANGLE THE CAT??. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT STRANGLE THE CAT??!? Those were my exact words of advice when a somewhat bemused John Homer, Supporters Club function MC and Halfords Lane Stand wit, rang me at some unearthly time or other, yesterday morning.

Why was it John had excavated me, cursing like a good ?un, from my nice warm pit, only for me to utter those timely words of advice? Mostly to do with the impending arrival of Tommy Magee?s descendant, Ed Vilade, from across The Big Pond, and what the Supporters Club have planned for him when he takes in the QPR game, but also for John to inform me that he?d just heard some totally earth-shattering news: that Villa also have a player called Zoltan on their books!

Bad news, that, considering him and missus Jean already own a feline named after a certain Hungarian Albion player blessed with frustrated gymnastic tendencies, hence all the aforementioned imprecations to John NOT to succumb to the knee-jerk-reaction-response of inflicting severe violence upon his pet feline!

Two?? Mandy, she of Sutton Branch, secretary and guest-speaker finder extraordinaire, will be gracing your TV screens in but a few days short of a fortnight?s time. ?The Weakest Link? is the show, BBC2 is the place to find it ? it?s on at the same time as Aussie soap ?Neighbours? is shown on the lesser-cultured of the two channels, so there?s the perfect excuse to deny your sprogs access to Antipodean angst in all its forms! ? and by doing so, you too can see an erudite Baggie in action. How did Mandy get on? Ah ? that would be telling, now, wouldn?t it?

Three?.. Now we can officially confirm it! Martin, Sutton Branch Committee member and Fraser Allen?s side-kick at away games, is one of the heaviest sleepers in all Baggie-dom! I?m reliably informed that after the game?s finished, and Fraser?s crew return to their vehicle, the moment the lad sits down in his seat, he?s immediately rendered comatose, then slumbers gently the entire duration of the homeward journey ? but there?s a smidgen of a twist to the tale: just like pigeons use a magnetic sense to fly home, something similar in the lad?s brain tells him that he?s nearing his own house. The minute their vehicle enters their street, Martin is rendered, once more, the life and soul of the party! How he does it is completely beyond the ken of human physiology, but I do concede that it?s one hell of a good conversation piece.

 - Glynis Wright

Contact the Author

Diary Index