The Diary

13 April 2007: An Evening At Sutton Branch With Tommy Gaardsoe - And Deadly Doug?

Got your bike-clips and tranquilliser pills all ready for tomorrow night?s Hawthorns hoedown versus Sheffield Wednesday, then? Not to mention prayer mats, incense, plus the essential liberal sprinkling of holy water around the place, just in case any long-deceased Dingles or Bluenoses start to get ideas well above their spiritual station? Theoretically, Wednesday would prove to be not much of a problem, them currently occupying halfway slot in the table, more or less ? but, like most things with this perplexing football club of ours, things never ain?t that simple, or clear-cut, are they?

For some of the season, Wednesday have looked very much a moribund outfit, as far as their Championship future is concerned. (Mind you, it didn?t stop them beating us in embarrassing fashion at their place, earlier on in the current campaign: 3-1 to The Owls the final score, and the damage very much done within 15 minutes of the start, as I recall). It was during that game that I first perceived there to be an awful lot wrong with morale at our club.

January?s results and later were absolute shockers for Wednesday, some of ?em, and most people predicting their demise by that stage of the game ? and that was when the cavalry arrived. On February 24th, just seven miserable days after they?d crashed 3-2 at Luton Town?s Kenilworth Road abomination of a ground, Wednesday travelled to Southend, where they won 3-2. And that?s where the worrying aspect of all this comes in, fellow Baggies. Since then, they haven?t lost a single game, a total of nine either won or drawn, since that aforementioned productive raid on The Shrimpers.

Some of their League scalps have been most impressive: the Dingles didn?t enjoy Hillsbrough hospitality one little bit, getting but a single point as reward for their 90-minute labours, and a 2-1 triumph over Cardiff, at Ninian Park, isn?t the sort of thing to be lightly dismissed, either. Mind you, I can only assume their away following all had lots of running training, pre-season: ?tis true that hell hath no fury like that of a Cardiff fan scorned ? or something like that! No, they?ve shifted like a bloody Saturn rocket, these last few weeks: had they got their act in gear much sooner, then I daresay they could have been pushing not only ourselves, but our fellow-travellers, too, for a play-off spot by now. If theirs is a genuine sea-change for the better, then look out for them figuring in the honours next time round.

But that?s very much in the future, and very much their problem: right now, we badly need to sort out our own woeful form at home. Do that, and we?ll make the play-offs, no bother. Two wins and that?s it. But will these guys come out storming, or will they be content to simply pass the ball around nicely, and not worry too much about goals conceded?

Looking at the table, that recent good run of theirs means they?re in with a theoretical shout of the knock-out stages, but with only four games left on the table, giving a possible twelve points up for grabs - a potential finishing tally of 74 - I doubt it very much, unless everyone above ?em blows up, never win another game. They do have a ticklish penultimate fixture remaining with Blues, at St. Andrews, mind: with that lot dropping points left, right and centre, by the time it gets to that stage in the season, and with Brucie?s lot possibly sweating cobs on making the play-offs themselves, by then, and having had their fortunes told by Brucie in no uncertain terms by that time, methinks ? it?s his neck on the line, after all - I really wouldn?t give an awful lot for the Yorkshire mob?s prospects of winning that one. The bottom line for tomorrow? If they play football, then we should emerge the victors. If not, then we might have a big problem.

Team considerations? For Wednesday, defender Frank Simek will be back, but midfielder Jermaine Johnstone probably won?t as he?s still getting over chicken pox, poor mite. No joke, that last one: in fact when adults get it, it?s usually much more severe than when kids are affected. Worst-case scenario is the possibility of actually popping your clogs from complications, which has been known to happen, albeit rarely. Anyway, spots or no spots, he ain?t playing. As for Steve Watson, who?s been up there on loan these past few months, the gentlemen?s agreement that normally operates in these cases has tripped in, thankfully, so he won?t be playing, either.

One lad to look out for, though: former Albion keeper Chris Adamson, whose unforgettable facial features will no doubt gladly oblige when it comes to scaring your small kids a tad. PARENT: ?If you don?t do your homework properly, he?ll be coming through your bedroom window after you, one of these dark nights, just you wait and see???

CHILD: ?ARGH! NOOOO! I?d rather go on holiday with Gary Glitter!?..?

As for our lovely bunch, what of them? The good news is??whatever the identity of the strain of virus that rampaged through The Hawthorns over the course of the Easter weekend, it?s now looking much more promising on the personnel front, thank goodness. Both Clem and Kev Phillips, previously ?hors de combat?, should be OK to strut their stuff in front of the Sky cameras, according to the club. Less good is the shock news that loanee Shergar might need a knee operation. Sam Sodje and Jason Koumas should also be OK on the day. Not so much a virus that felled that pair, more the fact they were both playing through knocks at Norwich. And, hey ? we?ll even have John Hartson back, and sound in both wind and limb, presumably! Perhaps I should get that last one from Nick Worth in writing, you reckon?

Mind you, loved the quote from Mowbray about Shergar?s problem: ?Everyone?s in contention except Sherjil, who may need his cartilage nicked?..? Now come on, who could be so heartless as to nick someone?s bloody cartilage? I know the market in spare parts for transplant is getting pretty rampant, these days, and - according to the ?Daily Mail?, at least, crime completely out of control - but to deprive a man of cushioning for the bones meeting around his knee-joint, and right when he?s helpless and out of it, on the operating table, is going just a bit too far, don?t you think?

I?d definitely worry if the surgeon tasked with the job comes from Liverpool, mind (?Watch yer knee for yer while yer out cold, Mister?..??) Where does Mogga fit into all this; does he get a cut once the deed?s done? Perhaps Shergar should have a car-alarm type gadget fitted to the offending bit of knee-tissue, then we can all watch everyone?s face light up in theatre, when it goes off!

Yerss ? sorry about that. Just couldn?t resist it. Sticky game or not, one person who won?t be journeying to the Shrine, tomorrow, is The Noise. He rang me late this afternoon to let me know, in fact: apparently, he was sent home from work feeling very poorly indeed, yesterday, went to his GP today ? who promptly ordered strict rest for the remainder of the current week, also the weekend, told him to take it very easy after that, and prescribed him some pills or other to sort him out. He?s also been put off work for a while. Wait until he gets the card I sent: a Christmas greetings one, which should really get him head-scratching rather a lot. The precise nature of what?s gone wrong, I don?t really know: it sure as hell can?t be anything affecting his vocal chords, that?s for sure!

Tonight took us over to Sutton, to Amanda Miles?s SC Branch, in fact, where Tommy Gaardsoe ? effectively his last ever appearance as an Albion player, as he?ll be returning to Denmark very soon indeed - and Doug Ellis were the main attractions for their meeting. Yes ? you did read that right, Mandy somehow managed to persuade Deadly Doug that an evening spent in convivial Baggie company was much better than sitting at home wondering what he was going to do with all the loot he?d recently received from Randy Lerner!

Mind you, Mandy now has a little secret of her own to divulge: no breach of confidence issues at play, here, as she was quite open about it at the meeting ? but yesterday, the dear lady attended a recording of that well-known (notorious?) Anne Robinson scary quiz-fest, ?The Weakest Link?. And before you ask, no, she did survive the ordeal without being chewed up, then spat out by that formidable lady in the black too much: got as far as the final stage, answered her mandatory five questions correctly, as did her opponent ? but, just like our favourite football club, crashed badly once it reached ?sudden death?. But she reckons she did get a plug in for the Baggies at the very end!

The fatal question? ?What is the Latin word commonly used to denote ?seriousness??? I know the answer, but do you lot? I?ll leave that one as an ?exercise for the reader?, as they used to say in textbooks, when I was a kid. Remember, though, it?s one thing getting such things right when there?s little or no pressure on, but another entirely when you?ve got cameras, bright spotlights, and the elegant, lovely and talented Miss Robinson doing her best ?Gestapo interrogator? type impersonations to contend with. And, having once appeared on a TV quiz show myself when I was a prison officer, back in the mid-eighties, I sure as hell know what I?m talking about.

But, back to business. As our former Danish defensive hero was pretty pushed for time that night, he was first to answer questions from the floor, with Deadly Doug holding forth once he?d finished. As you can imagine, there were quite a few for him to answer. With Tommy G, you have one of the most popular players there?s been at The Hawthorns in recent years, especially courtesy those wonderful defensive performances of his during our second promotion season, back in 03-04.

A very understated playing style, he had: whenever he was in action at the back, it was only after you?d sat down and thought about it for a while, you then realised what an enormous contribution he made to our defence. Certainly, our supporters took him to their collective hearts that season, hence the unforgettable ?Viking? dress-up day we had at Reading, once promotion had been finally sorted. Personally, it?s with much regret I see him leaving the country, but, as they say, ?Home is where the heart is?. Still, although he?ll be gone, very soon, I?d dearly like to think Tommy will reserve a small piece of his own ticker for West Bromwich Albion FC.

As I?ve got lots to cover, tonight, I?ll be brief, but here?s the main thrust of some of it. The lad say?s he?s ?OK now? as per injury-related problems ? nobody ever quite got to the bottom of the trouble, sadly ? and can play to some degree, but not well enough to carry on in the professional game.

The Reading ?Viking Day? thing was quite a good memory for him: in fact he stated that all the supporters were tremendously good to him during his brief time at our club. Called them ?amazing?, even when we were constantly losing games in the Prem. He will be taking with him lots of tapes of his time at The Hawthorns, as you might expect.

Would he be playing in Denmark? As his insurance payout is contingent upon not playing at that level, he can?t: in any case, the damage to his body is such as to completely rule out any thoughts of a return. He reckons he?ll have to re-assess his future once he gets home. One highlight of his career, though, was our game versus Ipswich. Gary Megson was very good to him, and Bryan Robson a friendly sort of cove. I was very surprised to hear the lad say Meggo preferred his sides to win by a hefty margin rather than a narrow one, though: wasn?t the impression I?d had, but who am I to argue? Worst opposing player to keep in check? Alan Shearer, apparently.

So what were the main attractions for Danish pros entering the English game? The money? Not a bit of it, said Tommy. They went there, in the main, to improve their game, play against top-class opposition, so the money is a secondary consideration to quite a few. And Tommy had a few words to say about both current manager and players. Mogga came in with different ideas, so players had problems re-adjusting, but they still have belief and feel they can do it, win promotion.

And that was about it: as he had to be elsewhere, Tommy had to wrap it up at that point, but did take the trouble to pose for pictures and sign autographs for those who wanted them, in the bar next door. Enter The Fart, bearing camera, and me to do the photographical stuff. One slight twist to the theme: El Tel had brought with him the Viking helmet he?d worn at Reading, and asked Tommy to pose in it, with the old bugger grinning like a Cheshire cat on LSD, standing very much alongside. Quite tickled to do so, I have to say, and Tommy?s charming wife got one hell of a laugh out of his somewhat ?horny? appearance, too!

Deadly Doug? My first thought, when first watching him make his painful way to the front of the room was something in the order of ?Blimey ? you have lost a lot of weight?.? Gone were the chubby cheeks I remembered from the days when a word or three from him could get gaffers clearing their desks within milliseconds, in their place was a very gaunt-looking face indeed. Doug?s memory isn?t quite all it used to be, either ? don?t worry about my last, he was very frank and honest indeed about his current limitations, both physical and mental, the result of about six nasty ops over the course of the last two years, so he said ? which meant he needed an occasional prompt from the floor to bring his train of thought back on track once more.

Personally, I can only say I ended up feeling very, very sorry indeed for the guy. Quite a turnaround from my normal stance of having a good snigger or three whenever anyone associated with the Witton Road persuasion meets adversity, sure, but he?s now a very different figure from the one I used to know. Having said all that, he still very much retains the knack of dropping names, in similar fashion to that of a mediaeval farmer sprinkling corn seed on the ground!

Doug started off by detailing how he got started, with Ellerman travel company, back in the fifties, sixties and early seventies, flogging cheap package holidays to Spain at a time when such things were very much considered the luxury end of the market. For the princely sum of 25 guineas (that?s around ?25.30 to you post-decimal-currency lot!) Doug?s charter aircraft would waft you to Majorca for 14 days. When he first started, he mucked in with everything, including loading the aircraft up with in-flight food etc. Interjected Terrible Tim (Ooer, missus!), well known for such things at Sutton Branch beanfeasts: ?My Dad used to book his holidays with Ellermans, and always reckoned he got a good deal ? I didn?t believe him, though!?

Before becoming prominent in the world of football, when he was a lad, in fact, he?d done what was then the normal thing of watching Albion one week and Villa the next. When he first became associated with Villa, it was a very different world to the one we see today. Tommy Docherty he regarded as a very go-ahead sort of bloke, even though he only lasted two years before being given the boot.

Randy Lerner bought the club for the astonishing sum of $35 billion dollars, which has seen him and his own all right, but (this is my personal opinion, mind) left an enormous void in his life. His ?Deadly Doug? soubriquet? It hurt a little bit because of the sheer amount of stick he got because of his reputation. Apparently, one day, Ronnie Allen turned up at Villa Park, purely as Doug?s guest, and as the lift opened for the pair of them, waiting for it on the other side was Ron Saunders! Stormed the hard-man head honcho, as he realised who was about to emerge: ?He?s NOT having MY job!.....? By and large, though, players respected him, despite his experience in that department being comparatively minimal.

Contrary to popular belief, he was prepared to go into the red when it came to transfer dealings, if necessary. His way of thinking was that the expenditure would reap benefits further down the line. When the question of where the successor to Wembley was going to be sited cropped up, Doug started to sound out the chairmen of all 92 top-flight clubs about having it at or near Solihull, and reckoned he got positive replies from 57 of ?em.

They?d recognised the clear advantages, in terms of access, by road, rail and air that a Midlands location would confer. Assuming the Solihull location envisaged, within 30 minutes of landing at Birmingham Airport, supporters could be in the stadium, and waiting for the game to start: with London, a similar journey, starting from any of their airports, would mean a journey time at least double that, and probably much more. All in all it was 18 months of ?damned hard work? for Doug, but the final decision, he reckons, was heavily influenced by a certain person at the FA. And, while we?re on the subject of that organisation, Doug had spent quite a lot of his time on various FA Committees or other. Was he critical of the present day FA? ?No comment,? said Doug sweetly.

Apparently, there was also a connection with Birmingham Speedway, this question being prompted by The Fart, who?d spotted Doug at a meeting just the other night! It all started when a speedway star approached him about a financial matter a few years back, and from that, it then became the speedway club using Doug?s travel firm whenever they were riding away from home i.e. for booking train travel, and it just went on from there. By now, it was becoming a personal conversation with The Fart! ?Perhaps we should carry this conversation somewhere else?? said Doug to our favourite wrinkly!

Eleven managers at Villa Park, and he?d fired ?em, all. Shades of Alan Sugar and ?The Apprentice?? How did he approach it, Sugar?s direct way, or not? He reckoned he?d had sleepless nights initially, but in the case of Josef Venglos, he ended up feeling very sorry for him: apparently, the strain proved too much ? if I remember rightly, there was a nasty little Birmingham Mail campaign to get him out going full blast at that time ? and he simply couldn?t take any more of it. Bungs? Yes, it goes on, but not nearly so much as it did.

Doug reckoned that over the course of the past eight years, he?d spent something in the region of ?120 million on players. Invariably, they went with contracts fully paid up. The reason he?s been seen at our ground, of late? He has no intention whatsoever of getting involved at our place, but he comes at Jeremy Peace?s invitation. Don?t knock it: to date, he?s proven something of a ?lucky charm? for our club, having never seen us lose, to date. Time for Tel to interject: ?Are you coming tomorrow night?? Not really sure what the answer was to that one, though!

Doug then waxed large about the circumstances of Bert Millichip?s death, in his company, on a local golf course. He spoke very highly of both Sir Bert?s time with the FA, and the fact he was a personal friend, and was sad at his loss. Another thing about the Randy Lerner sale: Doug had always said he?d sell up if the offer was right, and what with his failing health, he felt that time had now come.

That?s very much an abridged version of what was said: a lot I?ve had to leave out, by virtue of time constraints, also because I didn?t want to make any waves for anyone, least of all Sutton Branch, and their marvellous committee. You can only admire Mandy for the dogged way she?s sweated blood in her endeavours to keep Sutton Branch as a going concern, and in the face of very little co-operation whatsoever from the football club itself, too, when it came to grabbing potential guests. Ever since the parent club embarked upon a policy of only supplying players for Main Branch meetings at the ground, the attrition rate among formerly flourishing Baggie outstations has been astonishing. Of the many that used to exist but a few short years ago, only Kiddy, Sutton, and Dawn Astle?s East Midlands concern - who can easily get guests, for obvious reasons ? are still standing. Unless you lot out there know different, of course.

Let?s just say Mandy can be very, very persuasive, when she has to be, and also has a remarkable talent for ?thinking out of the box? when it comes to asking football notables to attend. This means that over the course of recent seasons, the Sutton mob have been entertained ? if that?s the right word to use ? by the likes of various Albion chairmen and board members, past and present; Graham Taylor; Ron Atkinson (twice, if my memory serves me correctly); Johnny Giles; Gary Newbon; all that, plus many, many former players, not to mention other notables with strong Albion connections. How she does it, I dread to think. More persuasive power to her delicate little elbow, say I!

And Finally?.. The raffle prizes having been given out to the winners, profuse thanks given to Doug for attending, and the usual sarnies dished out, it was then time for Doug to hit the road. Whether that was under his own steam, or with a chauffeur at the wheel, I haven?t a clue. But what puzzled me most of all was the fact that as he made for the exit at the rear of the place, he turned to me, and said ?Hello?! This, to someone who?s never even been in the same room as the guy before, and certainly didn?t know him intimately enough to be on ?greetings? terms with him. Time for me to get worried, you reckon?

Mind you, if you thought I was a dubious sort of cove for looking suspiciously like having supped with the Devil in the past, spare a thought for The Fart, who is a much more worrying example of the genre, as I currently perceive these matters. Well, I ask you: the pair of them spending the best part of twenty minutes nattering after the meeting finished was one thing: taken in the light of that evidence, what does that say about our elderly chum also being in possession of a quantity of Blues shares, still? Come on, Mister Fart: now we know all about your affinity with The Devil Incarnate, when are you going to ?fess up to having dodgy links with the Dingles and Walsall as well, then? I think we should be told!

 - Glynis Wright

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