The Diary

31 January 2007: A Good Night, As Lady Luck Flashes Her Voluminous Knickers Our Way, For Once!

It?s been a good 48 hours, now, since we last experienced the various euphoric joys of the Great Dingle Demolition Derby, but even our imminent return to the cares and woes of League football hasn?t quite erased the stupid grin from my face. Mostly because of the way results have gone for us tonight ? Blues crashing to Southend at home, an astonishing result by anyone?s lights: Freddie Eastwood, you can rent my caravan any time! ? means we?re now just four points short of the over-hyped sods.

And that still awful pitch of theirs can?t be helping much, either. Comments on Sky tonight would strongly indicate that all the recent refurbishment work they had done to it was a big, big mistake. What a shame. Maybe they should invoke the spirit of Percy Thrower, via the services of a local medium? Not so much a laying on of healing hands needed, as a laying on of vast quantities of organic waste matter, of which there?s not a shortage in Small Heath, of course. Maybe they should invite their supporters to use it as a pre-match toilet the very next time they have a home game?

Thanks to tonight, it?s all very much in our hands, now. Sort out Plymouth tomorrow, and we?re breathing right down their ugly little necks, which would be a tremendous thing, considering that around Christmas, we were all talking in terms of the play-offs, at best, and moaning like hell while we were at it. As Kipling ? no, not the one that makes ?exceedingly good cakes?, the late Victorian author and poet! ? would have said apropos the subject, ?Softly, softly catchee monkey?. Thanks to The Shrimpers, we might just get the chance to do so.

And Preston losing to Colchester at their place was another welcome bonus. Always a difficult place to go, Layer Road, as those Baggies who didn?t travel for our League Cup game with them, a couple of seasons ago, will discover very soon. If they can turn over the very good Deepdale side on their own patch, then we?ll certainly need to be on our toes when we go there. Stoke drew a blank versus Ipswich, while Sunderland could only draw with Palace at home, so that will keep them out of our hair for a bit, provided we do the biz ourselves in less than 24 hours time.

Not nearly so much of a threat to our peace of mind than they were earlier in the season, Wulves travelled to Carrow Road, just two days after we?d played them off the park in the Cup ? The Canaries wouldn?t sing the right tune when The Dingles asked them for a postponement, apparently, even the lovely Delia has a strong antipathy towards the sods, it would seem ? and despite having two of theirs sent off, still managed a 1-0 win. After Sunday?s shambolic display, their players must have collectively decided they owed their dense following big-time, then pulled out all the stops they could to bring those three points back to The Custard Bowl.

Derby triumphed over Burnley by the narrowest of margins, it would seem ? not to worry, they?re so far in front of the rest, it?ll take a bloody miracle, one of season 2001-02 magnitude, in fact, to catch them now - but the real fun to be had there must have been the sight of both gaffers being dismissed from their respective dug-outs at separate points in the game. Ooh dear, we are getting into a naughty little paddy up there, aren?t we, children?

Tonight?s programme was almost a full one, of course, the exceptions being our own game versus Plymouth, and Southampton v Sheffield Wednesday, both tomorrow evening. As the South Coast club are currently up very close and personal with us, perhaps just a few small prayers, surplus to our own particular needs, sent floating in the approximate direction of the St. Mary Stadium and aimed in the general direction of those migratory Owls, might be just the ticket, come tomorrow night?

Maybe I do need tomorrow?s game, if only to erase the silly grin from my face, the one I?ve had set in stone there ever since Sunday evening. The thing was, every single time I closed my eyes to try and get some sleep that night, up popped that mental image of Joe Kamara stroking the ball into their net, as casually as you like. Closely followed by our second, then Zoltan Gera?s headed third. No wonder I?m seriously short of zeds, right now.

And it?s marvellous news also that we?ve managed to find ourselves a half-decent keeper, at long last. No reflection on Zoobie, who did a really good job last Sunday, all things considered, but it would be stretching things a real long way to regard that performance as an automatic invitation for him to take over the Number One jersey recently left vacant by our sexually-adventurous former incumbent. The need for a competent new recruit was paramount: whichever way you care to look at it, Zoobie still isn?t quite up to it, and Houlty will be out of the club in a very short space of time indeed. Never mind the moral aspects of what he did, his recent behaviour ? of which he has ?previous? of course - would constitute ?gross misconduct? in any employment lawyer?s book, which is why I?ll be greatly surprised if he does try to fight any subsequent disciplinary finding.

Dean Keily? Odd as it may seem, our former Pompey import is no stranger to The Hawthorns, and not in terms of being a player for the visiting side, either. 36, he is, no age at all for a keeper these days, and with 672 first-team appearances under his belt, all told, and 8 full Irish Republic caps to his credit. Coventry apart, he?s also been with Charlton, and Pompey, but after having drifted out of favour with the South Coast side, spent a two month period out on loan to Luton, recently. His first taste of professional football was with us, way back in 1985, when a schoolboy, but leaving us for the dubious pleasures of Highfield Road just two years later.

That?s what the ?official? blurb tells you about Dean, then: what they don?t is the stark fact that the real reason he left in the first place was because Coventry poached the lad from us, pure and simple. It?s been 20 years since it all happened, of course, so I?ve been to bed a few times since then, but I do have a vague sort of memory in my head concerning The Sky Blues having to pay quite a stiffish fine for their monumental cheek, back then. And quite right, too: dubious approaches like that have always been lots more bent than a nine-bob note, and still blight the game to this very day, much to my eternal sorrow. Signed on an 18 month contract, I would expect him to go straight into the side tomorrow night. Can?t think of any real reason why he shouldn?t, really. Can you?

Given that our record versus The Gargoyles isn?t exactly of the best, we?ll be needing all the help we can get with this one. This will be their 18th visit down the years, thus far, and when you look at it, they do have a decent record. They?ve won on six occasions, in total, compared to our eight, and drew one and won three of their last four Hawthorns visits.

For the benefit of those Baggies that believe in omens, the very first time Plymouth came to play at our place, back in September 1930, Vidler and Grozier netted as they ran out 2-1 winners. I need hardly say that this was the season we not only won promotion, but walked away with the FA Cup as well, after beating Blues at Wembley. Yes, it would be nice, but there?s a fair few top-flight outfits out there right now, and all with covetous eyes on that pot, so best forget it, eh?

The most recent time we played them in the League, Ossie Ardiles was our gaffer, and his exciting Albion side was wowing ?em the length and breadth of the country. It was all lower league stuff, of course, what was formerly known as the Third Division, in fact, but anyone who could bring success back to the side, and encourage his players to have a bit of fun scoring freely while they were at it had to be a bit of all right, didn?t they?

Results versus The Gargoyles, both home and away, that season? A horrible 5-2 drubbing at home for us, and very much against current form, too, with a very much shackled Bob Taylor and Kevin Donovan getting our consolatory double for us. Away? A dreary, but pristine, 0-0. The time before that was two seasons previously, the one where we went down to the Third for the first time ever in our entire history. The scores on the doors then? Away from home, a 2-0 defeat, and come March 1991, when the home fixture was played, we lost 2-1, so they?d ?doubled? us. Les Palmer got our solitary effort, if my sources are correct.

The season before that? A Boxing Day 2-2 at their place, Don Goodman doing the biz for us with a handy brace, and yet another points-sharer, a 2-2 once more, at ours, scorers that time being an ?oggie?, and the lovely Colin West. Not a very good record at all, and that?s just our most recent League encounters. No, in order to protect the sanity of those who suffered on the day, I won?t drag up that FA Cup 5th round home game we played back in the early eighties, and lost: you?ve had quite enough trauma to be going on with, by now, I reckon!

Nope, our current record regarding this particular fixture is most certainly not one to write home about. So it?s high time we put things straight at long last, what? Surely the percentages must be ready to turn in our favour this time round? Alby probably still won?t be in contention, mind, that groin problem of his still giving him serious gyp, of course, and neither will Watson, so it seems. With any luck, we could be seeing our new outfield capture, Sherjill McDonald, play some sort of part tomorrow night, though. Mogga doesn?t consider him quite ready for a proper start, just yet, so we might just find him keeping the bench warm instead. Whether he?ll get on for a quick blow or not is anyone?s guess.

John Hartson? It all depends upon what the resident club quack has to say when he visits early tomorrow, apparently. As long as he doesn?t give it me, I really couldn?t give a flying fornication as to what kind of malady he?s got. Let?s just get Plymouth coughing up the three points, and worry about the sordid details afterwards, what?

As for the lads from ?Guzz? ? that?s the old Royal Naval nickname for the place, by the way, derived from the call-sign that was in regular use back in the early days of ship-to-shore radio, which is why any sailor that considers himself an old salt (and, of late, herself, of course!) will probably refer to the place as such - Argyle gaffer Ian Holloway is awaiting the results of a fitness test on left-back Gary Sawyer.

The lad was unwell ? altogether now, aaaaaahhh, poor ickle diddums! - and missed Saturday's 2-0 FA Cup fourth-round win at Barnet, where his place went to recalled Northern Ireland international Tony Capaldi, who is presumably unrelated to pop star Jim, instead. Capaldi's return was the sole change to their starting line-up as they made it four wins in a row. As for the rest of their sick, lame, and otherwise left out bodies, Sylvan Ebanks-Blake is available following his suspension, while new ?300,000 striker Rory Fallon could make his full debut. Additionally, striker Nick Chadwick (groin) is nearing fitness, while winger Bojan Djordjic (fractured cheekbone) is sidelined along with central defender Mat Doumbe (back).

Not much else to say, now, except the fervent hope that we?ll take just a little of the fighting spirit we showed against the Dingles into tomorrow night?s fixture, and turn it into points. Thanks to Blues, and their monumental incompetence in trying to re-lay an entire football pitch, right in the depths of winter, and with games still being played on it, we?ve been given the automatic promotion lifeline we never really expected to have thrown in our direction. All we have to do now is ensure we have a tight hold on it, come the end of tomorrow evening?s game. And having done so, keep the sod firmly in our grip until the fat lady starts her singing lessons, come the very last day. A tall order? Depends how badly eleven blokes wearing blue and white striped shirts want to be Premier League players, I suppose.

And finally?.. Tomorrow sees, of course, the mad scramble that is the last day of the transfer window. That?s the moment panic tends to strike those clubs belatedly acknowledging they have weaknesses in their sides, resulting in a last-minute feverish scouring of the marketplace for the player that just might prove to be the answer to their prayers. And that could well include us, of course. Of those we?ve already got in, I?m fairly happy with. Keily?s been around a fair bit, of course, Koren looks OK, and although not blooded as yet, the Dutch lad looks as though he has a pretty good pedigree, too. But we?re still left with our resident enigma, striker Nathan Ellington, hanging around like a small kid in the same room as his big sister, supposedly babysitting, but using the time as an impromptu heavy-duty snogging-session with her boyfriend instead, and, fearful of what he?s going to tell Mum afterwards, greatly resenting the nipper?s presence on the scene. I know, you know, and, most certainly, all four of our cats know, that we?ve tried talking to Wigan about taking the lad back already, but it?s the finances that are proving the real stumbling-block all round.

But Wigan are pretty desperate: yet another defeat for them tonight means they?ve now gone eight or nine games without a win, and proximity to the trapdoor looms large. They need a half-decent striker, and they need one very quickly indeed. It?s Cuban Missile Crisis Time again, folks! Who will blink first before the stroke of midnight? HINT: My money?s most certainly NOT on Jeremy Peace!

 - Glynis Wright

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