The Diary

28 January 2007: Hormonally-Rampant Houlty - Or Just A Naughty Little Boy?

Oh, dear? That?s about all I can muster, right now, in response to the absolute shocker I heard last night ? Houlty suspended, and disaster-on-two-legs Zuberbuhler taking up position between the sticks instead, tomorrow. And it wouldn?t have mattered at any other time, really ? but just days before a crunch Cup tie involving our ghastly local rivals, and one that will be contested fiercely all the way? What a klutz, complete and utter.

Sure, I?m more than well aware of the fact Houlty?s had an ongoing frequent-user-problem with his rampant one-eyed trouser-snake for several years, now ? tying a knot in the blasted thing before engaging females of the species in any kind of serious conversation might help enormously, for starters ? not to mention the fact he?s really embarrassed the club with pictures of his more lurid sexual shenanigans ending up on a website, but this whole thing has come at a most unfortunate time for both the club and for us. For all his faults, sexual or otherwise, Houlty has always been a pretty sound performer once he?s put those gloves of his on, and taken up position on the goal-line. With Mister Disaster at the back, and not him, how the hell are we going to make a half-decent fist of it, even, at Molineux, tomorrow?

To be perfectly honest with all you lot out there, after hearing in some detail about what he?d been up to when engaging in what he?d fondly hoped was his ?private life?, my next gut reaction (after the above had finally worked its way around my brain, registered, then left by the nearest exit) was to scream to the highest heavens, ?How terminally stupid can you get??

Some people will never learn, will they? Here was a bloke who?d originally come to us after landing in trouble of a similar nature when at Pompey, then, after keeping goal pretty ably for two or three seasons more, allegedly developed the ?hots? for a member of the Hawthorns staff, in yet another moment of hormonally-driven madness. From what I heard via the grapevine ? no, not the one that serves excellent pre-and post-match curries! - his other half, coping with young twins at the time, wasn?t exactly best pleased by it all at the time. Did she leave him, or was it the opposite way on? By the way this article?s been worded, it would appear they?ve since reunited. And now it?s happening all over again, with just a few subtle refinements added, so I suspect the reconciliation won?t be a lasting one.

First off? Talk about a professional ?death wish?: following the departure of the Pole In Goal to Old Trafford, and our tame serial-disaster-merchant goofing off with depressing regularity, the coming of Mogga meant the guy got his regular first team spot back again. And deservedly so. Age wasn?t exactly on his side, any more, but he did do well, and earned himself some pretty glowing post-match testimonials from the press along the way.

Don?t forget, this was the guy that was knocking very loudly on the door of the England squad just five seasons ago: it wasn?t his fault that Sven no speaka-da-language, was it? So much going for him, career-wise, this season, glowing embers very much fanned into flame once more ? then, courtesy of a combination of arrogance and sheer lust, he had to go and stuff it all up again, and in the most spectacular manner possible. Not only are the lurid details of his couplings currently available on a very well-known website ? and national newspaper, come to think about it - Houlty didn?t exactly do himself a favour by audaciously wearing a club tee shirt while ? erm ? ?on the job?, did he? No wonder the club are furious, and no wonder they?ve suspended him with more or less immediate effect.

If I were him, I?d watch out: should we lose heavily tomorrow (and with all my pessimism glands going full-blast and screaming fit to bust right now, the way I see it, we?ll be bloody lucky to get away with a draw at their place tomorrow, never mind nick a flaming win), then Houlty?s sure as hell going to wind up with a popularity rating considerably lower than that of George Bush with the resident populace of the Tora Bora Mountains, even. Should the unthinkable happen tomorrow, and it all hangs upon the serial misfortunes of our Swiss Crichton boob-alike, I were him ? Houlty, that is ? I?d find myself a very low profile indeed, and stay there for about the next ten thousand years.

Professional footballers constantly accuse those who write about the game of stereotyping them, of giving the non-football-loving public the overall impression that they?re a monosyllabic lumpen lot, mostly fixated on just a few select matters, for the most part involving conspicuous consumption, over-productive gonads, and the hypertrophied size of their next wage-packet.

Oh, and giving their agents an earhole-bashing on what they happen to think about the rank injustices perpetrated upon them by slave-driver managers demanding far more in terms of workrate than they?ve ever given before, and for a level of remuneration that doesn?t necessarily resemble the dialling code for an overseas telephone number. It doesn?t help their cause one little bit, either, when supposedly mature and responsible men, and family men at that, indulge in such wanton sexual behaviour off duty, unwittingly spreading the scandal much further than originally intended purely and simply because they?re hopelessly addicted to their own egos. (Three in a bed is bad, very bad, Russell, and the only one not to realise this is you?)

You can do a good many things as an Albion player, and, more likely than not, get away scot free, provided discretion be your constant watchword ? but to willingly engage in certain sordid off-duty bedroom pursuits, knowing full well that discovery would mean Albion?s good name getting dragged right through the dirt, and very likely via the helpful medium of at least one national publication desperately wanting some sleazy sort of story to spice up their inside pages? After interviewing him at length for our former fanzine, I?d always considered Houlty to be one of the more intelligent members of his particular species: it would appear from the crass stupidity of his more recent actions, I?d got just about everything about him dead wrong.

Professional footballers constantly accuse those who write about the game of stereotyping them, of giving the non-football-loving public the overall impression that they?re a monosyllabic lumpen breed, mostly fixated on just a few select matters, for the most part involving conspicuous consumption, over-productive gonads, and the hypertrophied size of their next wage-packet.

Oh, and giving their agents an earhole-bashing on what they happen to think about the rank injustices perpetrated upon them by slave-driver managers demanding far more in terms of workrate than they?ve ever given before, much further than originally intended purely and simply because they?re all hopelessly addicted to their own egos. With all that lot providing such a soot-black background, it?s difficult to see precisely how he can remain at the club, and still retain a tiny figment of credibility, even.

Onto things somewhat more agreeable, then, in this missive of mine, some of poor hubby?s ongoing skirmishes with both pollen antigens, and his increasingly snotty nose. Reckon we?re also losing quite a bit of that particular battle, right now: he?s just gone beddy-byes, a walking, snuffling red-nosed lump of misery, nasal membranes bathed in loads and loads of irritants. Not to mention a whole lot more tomorrow! The gold-and-cack sort, I mean.

But, onwards, ever onwards. Hubby?s rhinological ailment apart, Houlty won?t be the only casualty in our ranks tomorrow, of course. But we will have Jason Koumas and John Hartson back following completion of their suspensions. We also have Stuart Nicholson back from Bristol Rovers. Important consideration, the Koumas thing, as our only real hope lies in being a little more creative than normal, and seeing the buggers off that way. A Baggies Blitz is called for, I reckon. Will he start off with Hartson up front, I wonder? If he does go with both players right from the off, who will end up getting the bums? rush as a result? Zoltan Gera? The new lad Koren? One dead cert: Alby still isn?t right after a groin injury, so won?t be joining in the opening line-up versus The Dingles tomorrow lunchtime.

Unfortunately, we?ll have to wait until Wednesday's clash against Plymouth Argyle for our first glimpse of new loan signing Sherjill MacDonald. The 22-year-old has now arrived from Dutch second division club AGOVV Apeldoorn OK, but signed too late to be eligible for tomorrow's Black Country derby, and is still awaiting international clearance. And, as we already know from bitter experience, should a club decide to be snotty about the paperwork accompanying a transferred player, even one on loan, we?re completely stuffed. The overall master-plan is for MacDonald, a Dutch under-21 international, to join Albion until the end of the season, with a view to a permanent deal. Mogga seems to rate the player, who came through Ajax's youth system before joining Anderlecht as a 17-year-old, gaining UEFA Cup experience. "Sherjill is a young player who came to our notice when he played against Curtis Davies in a recent under-21s international," said the boss-man. As for the Dingles, they will have Gary Edwards and Rob Breen back from suspension and on the case, but good news insofar as Michael Knightly and new signing Andy Keogh are Cup-tied. That?s two of the sods won?t be bothering us tomorrow, then. Good.

More surprising still, though, is the Daily Mail?s assertion today that serial-wanderer Nathan Ellington will be staying with us after all. (Mind you, it IS The Daily Mail?.) According to them, Wigan?s Paul Jewel has now turned to Chesterfield's Caleb Folan, with a ?500k bid, after giving up on trying to re-sign Ellington from us. Still, we?re only just over halfway through the ?window?, so our gangling chum could still end up picking up his little knotted bundle, and head off into the sunset, in true Charlie Chaplin style.

Personally, if true, I?d like to see him use this knock-back trying to have another go at rebuilding bridges with the club. There?s a very talented young player trying to get out, there, and for some unknown reason ? be it misplaced pride, stubbornness, or simply his cat not getting on with all the others in his street ? the Albion thing stubbornly refuses to settle down. Mogga?s no firebrand, and appears to come across as quite a reasonable manager, so if he won?t play for him, just who does he want to play for?

And Finally?. Now, up until this part of my missive, I was pretty hopeful that we might still overcome the Dingles. Yep, despite labouring under the 90-minute handicap of a keeper with a track-record as riddled with holes as his nation?s most famous dairy product, we might yet manage to nick it: after seeing who?s been given the job of officiating at what will undoubtedly be a powder-keg of a Cup-tie, I?m not so sure. Uriah Rennie, would you believe? Mother, I?ve come home to die!

And Another Bit Of Late News?.. According to an Albion supporter living in Hull, our game will be live on Asian TV. To watch it, he advises Baggies to just log on to fsicrew.co.uk (or enter fsi into google)....and follow the instructions....download ppmate it seems to be the best. (Some of that lot I understand, the rest is complete gibberish: oh, well, if it helps some poor sod or other getting Baggie-deprivation symptoms obtain their fix, then it?s got to be worth it, hasn?t it?)

 - Glynis Wright

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