The Diary

09 January 2007: Dingles! It Could Be YOU!

Funny isn?t it? Two or so seasons ago, in this very same missive, I happened to remark, around the time for the Third Round FA Cup draw to be made, something on the lines of: ?The only thing that worries me is the fact that we?re well overdue for our numbered ball, and that of the Dingles, to come out of the hat one after the other?.? Not quite what I actually said ? I?ve been to bed since then! - but the sentiments were very similar. The last time that happened was also in the 4th round, season 1961-62, when we played them on their own muck-heap, and Chipper Clark got us a lipsmackingly-lovely brace, in front of a 46,411 crowd. All the Dingles could do by way of reply was come up with one strike only. What a shame I wasn?t there to see it.

It?s not yet all that clear cut, mind: our forthcoming dalliance with Dingle destiny is very much conditional upon them sorting out Oldham Athletic, for the second time of asking, at Boundary Park. I?m not quite certain whether the replay will happen next Tuesday, or Wednesday, but without any fear of contradiction whatsoever, it?s a pretty safe bet that come the night, every single Baggie eye/ear will be glued attentively to TV screens, radios, and/or PCs in an effort to keep up with the latest stuff on what?s happening there. And, if truth were known, try and enlist the reputedly telepathic powers of the human mind in a serious attempt to change the destiny of the game in favour of the Boundary Park persuasion. Blow the ball into the back of the Dingles net by sheer will-power? Why not ? stranger things have happened at sea.

It?s not as unfeasible as one might think for the lower division side to go and do it, either. Having banked a pretty impressive 48 points already thus far, they currently stand in a League One second spot, on goal difference, with third-placed outfit Forest getting somewhat close and personal just below them. That?s only one point off the top placing, currently held by Scunthorpe, who are on 49: it?s so tight up there, stick together a few good results over the course of the next few weeks, and they might yet go up grabbing a bit of silverware ? not to mention an awful lot of bubbly! - by way of celebration. Another sobering thought: should we not do it this time round, it?s highly conceivable we?ll be playing them for real next term.

More important still, they?re certainly not shy when it comes to banging the bladder into the old onion-bag: 45 League goals they have to their credit, at the time of writing, which appears to be the best scoring record in the entire division. The nearest other sides in terms of goals scored are Crewe and Swansea, both on 42. Equally important is the state of their rearguard: are they profligate at the front, but wasteful at the back, perchance? Not according to the table I?ve seen. They?ve only let in 21 thus far this term: the only outfit to better that are currently sitting in Number One spot, so give a nice big hand to Scunthorpe, currently on 20. With that impressive record on show, something tells me our intellectually-challenged Championship bedfellows are not going to enjoy that replay one little bit!

And, to be perfectly honest, I?d much rather do FA Cup business with the Lancashire high-flyers than that degenerate bunch of Uncle Festers any day. Assuming they do get past Oldham next week, what will that mean for us? You don?t have to be Einstein to work that one out: Dingle victory will bring in its wake a Sunday kick-off, and a super-early one, to boot: being a pretty intelligent lot, you Baggie people, I shouldn?t have to spell out the reasons why. I don?t want any of that kind of messing about on the Sabbath: yet another good reason for rooting for the home side next week.

On the other hand, should Oldham carry the day (night?), we?ll be faced with a short trundle up to the Greater Manchester area instead, risk the rapid onset of hypothermia while actually watching the game (Boundary Park is the second highest League ground in England and Wales, and it doesn?t half show, especially in late January! No prizes for guessing which club has the dubious honour of being substantially nearer the clouds than them, mind.) then, like as not, end up getting turned over by them, and in somewhat embarrassing fashion. No, it?s not hitherto latent clairvoyant powers I?m invoking tonight, just the godawful state of our defence. Honesty is always the best policy, and right now, I?m being honest, brutally so.

But the prize money?s not to be sniffed at either, especially when it comes to claiming Fifth Round status and beyond. We?re not strapped for cash, of course, but anything above and beyond what we?ve budgeted for would be a nice little windfall. The 64,000-dollar question is, how badly do we really want it? It?s to be fervently hoped by that time, that Cup games or otherwise, we?ll have brought to our place a (Cup-eligible) defender or two, with not only good strong leadership skills, but proven steely authority when mixing it right at the back. I wonder what the current state of the market is in Bonny Scotland, or in Europe?

No farting about, backing off and backing off (no names, no pack-drill): in goes the tackle, probably one the person being tackled won?t like at all, then away goes the ball, quicker than s**t off a shovel. John Wile did it in his sleep, almost, as did Martin Jol, current Spurs manager, and former Baggie. Earlier still, there was Dougie Fraser, Graham Williams. Cop a tackle from any of that lot, and you knew about it almost instantaneously. Or, to be more accurate, your legs would. What was left of ?em, that is.

Let The Fart or Vic Stirrup loose on an unsuspecting public, and I?ll wager they can quite easily come up with other examples culled from their own supporting lifetimes. That?s the real problem we have, right now, and it?s rapidly looking to be the one thing that could easily prevent us from rejoining the Premiership?s social whirl, come the end of term. Sort that one, and I might even be persuaded to opine that bookies odds on our promotion prospects will rise proportionately.

Lay on a repeat performance of our famous 1930-31 feat, go up and win the Cup while we?re at it? Come on, what do you take me for? FA Cup Finals, bloody Millwall excepted, are very much the preserve of the Prem these days. That record will still remain ours the day the Sun goes nova, in about 5 billion years time. This planet will be reduced to nowt but a puddle of molten slag by then, of course, and its inhabitants, both human or otherwise, well out of the equation also, but you sort of get my drift.

And that?s all, folks. Until Thursday night, preparatory for our televised romp against Luton the evening after that. I hadn?t planned on ?producing? but given the status of our likely opposition the next time we do FA Cup battle, I decided to have a bit of a ?quickie?! For the twin purposes of pleasure and procreation, and against the wall? Ah ? that?s for me to know, and you to find out!

Oh, and another thing?? Football. It can?t half drive you barmy, sometimes, especially on those all-too frequent occasions when you lash out a load of ackers in fond anticipation of seeing your side play, victoriously, at some godforsaken away hell-hole, or other, then rage in impotent fury as a distinctly-unimpressed opposition proceed to rack up a cricket score on the actual day, instead.

But there?s a bloke out there in sunny Italy who reckons he?s found the answer, according to my latest Guardian. No, not how to cure our football team, but how to use football to cure ? or considerably lessen the impact upon patients he?s treating made by chronic mental ill-health - other people?s ills, instead. He?s a psychiatrist, who somehow made the happy discovery that a fair number of his patients, all of whom suffered from depression and schizophrenia, and were rendered virtually unemployable as a result, perked up considerably once the good doctor arranged for over a dozen of them to form a football team, one that actually played in a ?proper? league. To the point where not a few of them improved to the point where they?d virtually halved their drug dosages, and others managed to find regular employment again, surprisingly.

Could it be that this works on the homeopathic principle, viz: using whatever made you ill in the first place to cure you, or, in simpler language, treating ?like with like?? It?s certainly a thought. One that will hopefully give Mogga et. al. plenty of time to work out what to do about the thousands of half-crazed wrecks that will descend upon our ground, once the word gets about that we?ve lost to The Dingles, then completely and utterly stuffed up our promotion bid!

 - Glynis Wright

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