The Diary

04 November 2006: Tomorrow: A Ram-Raid, Or A Throstle-Shoot?

Hooray! It?s Friday, and tomorrow morning, The Baggies Magical Mystery Tour will be gearing up yet again to visit ?foreign climes? ? assuming you want to class Derby as being a trip into the Wild Unknown, of course. We?d grabbed our Pride Park tickets ? well, I had, at least - a couple of weeks back, so that?s where we?ll be headed come the morrow, along with The Fart, of course.

Yesterday saw me doing my Stan Flashman impersonation at the ground again, my little rectangular bit of plastic flexing almost to breaking-point with the force of unaccustomed monetary weight being slammed upon it without so much as a by-your-leave, so I can only hope it?ll all be worth it when we all travel to Stoke, our first ?proper? away trip as a foursome in absolute yonks, a couple of weeks hence. Plus The Noise?s two, of course.

I do happen to retain certain ?memories? of Stoke, and not all of them good ones, unfortunately, especially when you go back to the time Lou Macari managed them, back in the early nineties, and the obnoxious little piece of ordure they had up front at the time, one Mark Stein, aka The Golden One (should that read ?Golden Shower? I wonder?), regularly netting whenever we had the great misfortune to play them.

And, just a few seasons before that, a certain Chris Kamara, ?uncompromising defender? of that parish. You wouldn?t think butter would melt in his mouth when he does commentaries for Sky, would you? Just ask Gary Robson about that, should you ever get the chance to have a little chat with him. Ask him really nicely, and he?ll show you the scars. And I still hate bloody ?Delilah?! But we?ve well and truly buried that particular curse, of late, haven?t we, children? Er ? haven?t we?

But back to 2006, and what?s been going on today in the Wright household. Firstly, His Nibs finally took possession of the first job-lot of his new book, to cries of great excitement all round. Having only clapped eyes upon the finished product tonight, I must say that the general layout and cover is the bees? knees. (A shame about what?s on the blank pages at the end, mind, but the fault is not with my other half!) Also having had it up to my eyeballs with courier firms, of late ? yes, Parcelforce/Parcelfarce (delete as applicable), I mean YOU ? my other half thoughtfully arranged to have the whole shebang delivered to his place of work instead. Had the arrangement been otherwise, I stood in great danger of doing something I?d really regret to the bloke that delivered ?em.

The only problem was, that when they finally arrived, the dozy bloke on the front desk didn?t ring His Nibs first, as previously arranged, so the first he knew about ?em was when one of their ?messengers? (general factotums, in other words, and splendid chaps they are, too) nicely brought the whole lot first to his floor, then his desk, on a kind of pallet thingy, huffing and puffing copiously along the way! Mass-dropping of jaws in hubby?s workplace when they actually arrived, so I?m told!

It all sort of tied in with that when our phone rang this morning ? I was on our PC catching up with some belated email correspondence at the time ? and it was Radio WM?s Paul Franks on the blower. After my other half, he was, concerning his new literary tome, so I duly pointed him in the right direction. Apparently, they?ve now both agreed on a Monday afternoon (pre-recorded) publicity phone-in slot for his show (Franksy?s, I mean not His Nibs!), so keep those peepers and lugholes peeled. Incidentally, as I mentioned the other day, those who?ve pre-ordered copies should be receiving ?em pretty soon. All posted today, so I?m assured.

So, off to Derby we all go, tomorrow, The Fart, ?Im Indoors, and I ? and I sincerely hope that since the QPR game, we?ve now managed to get our rearguard engaged in a much higher defensive gear. The very last thing I want to see tomorrow is yet another series of elementary blunders committed at the back, and we long-suffering Baggie people cursing ?em all the more richly because of it. Having got the ?entertainment and enjoyment? bits OK after such a long period of watching primarily defence-orientated dross, it would be a real shame to let things slide by way of inattention in other, equally-important, directions.

As far as Derby are concerned, it?s looking very much as though former Albion favourite Big Dave will be taking part in this one. I?d previously harboured doubts that he?d be fit in time ? he?s been out through a combination of injury and suspension, of late, apparently ? but he came through The Rams? victorious midweek game versus Barnsley without too much in the way of trouble, so he?ll be in, bar accidents. Both their goals, from behind, came from an 18-year old called Giles Barnes, a lad who sounds very much as though he?s an absolute menace up front for them. Two in a five-minute spell, as well. Incidentally, on the Albion website, our former defender has correctly fingered who?ll provide the greatest threat to their well-being ? Joe Kamara, whom he knows extensively from his time with us, of course. Expect his fellow-Rams to be amply forewarned, of course.

I can only assume That The Necessary Homework Has Been Done Already by our leader: well, you would, wouldn?t you? That?s more or less what Mandy Rice-Davies said apropos John Profumo, and the-then Defence Minister?s subsequent Press denial of any kind of relationship with the aforementioned ?lady of the night?, so what was good enough for her back in 1963 is good enough for me. No reflection upon Darren, as he really is one of the most sincere guys currently playing professional football, and someone I?ve got all the time in the world for as a person, but I can only hope also that our former defender has an absolute stinker tomorrow ? and reserves the ?good stuff? for a time when we?ve got nothing whatsoever to do with ?em! Sorry, Darren ? but needs must, and all that jazz.

They also managed a creditable point at Ninian Park the previous Saturday, so it?s pretty clear they?re no mugs. Anyone that can get something from there at the moment is doing pretty well, I?d say. Their gaffer, Billy Davies, will be going very much with the side that won versus Barnsley at Pride Park the other night, which is understandable. Strange how personnel problems seem to afflict clubs at the same time, though: apparently, The Rams, too, seem to have a teensy bit of a problem in the goalkeeping department.

Theirs concerns a certain Stephen Bywater, whose performance between those sticks was about as unconvincing as Mister Zuberbuhler?s in their midweek win, apparently. The fact Barnsley took the lead in the first place was largely down to him, or so their site opines: it also goes on to remark that their keeper?s subsequent performance out there, or, to be even more precise, his handling, was ?shaky?. Sound familiar? At least they managed to grab all three points that night, which is a whole lot more than we flaming well did!

It also appears that our own gaffer was there to see them win.. The Thoughts Of Chairman Mogga? ?They won a tight game (against Barnsley) thanks to two great strikes?..they have some decent footballers, and scored a couple of good goals, which got their crowd going. They?re a handful going forward.? That was ?Mogga?s? verdict on their performance, and it?s clear he?s not expecting a walkover, so it?s to be fervently hoped we don?t contrive to stuff up in the awful manner we did the other evening.

As for our own, then, according to one source at least, our gaffer is considering a change of ?keeper, at long last ? and not before time, say I. With any sort of luck tomorrow, we?ll have Houlty in goal, and not Switzerland?s latest inheritor of the William Tell defensive tradition, thank goodness. (God help the child that Zoobie attempts to shoot the apple from off his head, for charges of cruelty and possibly murder would surely follow in his inaccurately-judged wake!) We?ll also be missing Paul Robinson, of course, and Darren Carter won?t be putting in a performance, either, which goes somewhat contrary to what I?d been led to believe, but that?s football for you. We will have Kev Phillips back in his accustomed socket, though, and, hopefully, ready as anything to rack up a few more for his personal seasonal tally.

Result? After Wednesday night?s disappointment, I?m not going to commit myself; to do otherwise would be tempting fate of the worst kind. All I can hope is that we can pick up from where we left off versus The Dingles, and go on from there. Let?s hope I?m not cursing a blue streak this time tomorrow night. And that?s about it. Not least because I?m still experiencing terrible trouble with both our PC and the software that?s loaded on it. Keeps crashing without any warning whatsoever, it does, and it?s driving me absolutely spare. Luckily, the machine?s still automatically saving my stuff as I type, so I?ve not, as yet, had to retrace my steps, or save things every few seconds, thank goodness. Had this not been the case, then I reckon a very expensive bit of electronic kit would have ended up in our back garden a long time ago!

And Finally?? Nothing whatsoever to do with the Baggies, this, but I was most intrigued, recently, to read that a ward at nearby Selly Oak Hospital was going to be transformed into a purely military one, in order to deal with the increased number of casualties from both Iraq and Afghanistan.

Conjures up a whole host of visions, that, some of ?em really giggle-making, too, so apologies in advance to any squaddies that may feel offended: I do genuinely feel for what you?re going through out there, but I also know most of you possess a highly-warped sense of humour when confronted with this kind of battlefield situation ? and that?s the sort of spirit in which I hope you?ll regard this!

I can just picture it now: sick and wounded squaddies being given bed-pans, and told to use them only on the word of command, and by numbers; nurses practicing bayonet drill when giving patients injections, and their charges being ordered to ?Lie To Attention? the minute a senior medic comes on the ward to do his rounds: in other words, feet together in the bed, arms brought stiffly to the sides, and both head and eyes pointing vertically towards the ward ceiling. Not so daft a thought, that last one, mind: even as recently as the Second World War, bar those considered far too sick or injured to do so, it was still standard practice in some military hospitals.

But the most vivid mental picture I have about the change concerns the ?tact and diplomacy? aspects of the situation. I can just see it now, the sergeant in charge, sheaf of lab results in hand, roaring: ?All them with negative tests for cancer, one pace forward ? march!? Every squaddie dutifully obliges, of course, at which point the NCO, in equally thunderous tones, then declares: "As yew were, Private Jenkins, as yew were....."

 - Glynis Wright

Contact the Author

Diary Index