The Diary

24 October 2006: Shiney Happy Baggie People - REM, Eat Your Heart Out!

You just wouldn?t believe the buoyant mood that predominated among ticket office patrons when I travelled to the ground earlier today, to pick up our Blues and Derby tickets. Or, maybe, just maybe, having laid on your own workplace retaliation very thick indeed already, you just might! Arriving around 15 minutes early on a beautifully-sunny autumn morning, I found the ticket office doing pretty brisk business already. The thing was, though, I had to wait for The Fart, as we needed tickets for Derby together, our chum having made his own arrangement for Saturday?s game already.

Neither of us had planned to go to Small Heath next weekend, mind. As my other half had shown great reluctance before, I decided not to go either, on account of having to make my own way back by bus after (probably) spending the greater majority of the game standing up, which would have caused my back to seize up completely: you all know what that St. Andrews away end is like ? but yesterday?s win caused the seeds already sown in ?Im Indoors?s mind by missing the Ipswich caper to really blossom forth. ?If I go, will you go?? That was the stark question from him, as we journeyed home yesterday: after going to Ipswich alone (bar for The Fart, that is) and witnessing our 5-1 trouncing of the East Anglian side, it was only the possibility of incurring severe back pain that had stopped me before, so I readily said ?Yep!? And as we?d sort of decided to go to Pride Park anyway, that was those two away trips sorted, then!

Anyway, a couple of hours after we?d got back yesterday, we had a call from The Fart, mainly in order for the three of us to indulge in a bloody good helping of Schadenfreude, at the Dingles? expense, of course, but also to confirm my midday rendezvous at the ground. For whatever reason, we then decided an earlier visit might be advisable, so after a bit of humming and hawing, I suggested half-nine. ?Nope,? said The Fart, ?Can?t do it at that time ? it?s ?Twirly?!?

Confused? You bet ? but for only a matter of nanoseconds. As you may already be aware, pensioner free concession passes on WM buses are only valid after that time, hence the joke, prevalent locally, of wrinklies innumerable asking bus drivers pulling up on or about the ?magic hour?: ?Am I Too Early?? (Twirly? Geddit?) In the end, we went for a compromised half-ten, a pretty civilised sort of time by anyone?s lights, especially mine.

Linking up with the old codger about five minutes earlier than anticipated, we then shifted ourselves into the ticket office, where a fairish-sized queue had already accreted. The best bit, though, was after we?d joined it: it?s been a bloody long while since I formed part of a line whose members were all, without exception, grinning manically, just like hordes of Moonies on a recruitment-drive for the religious cult. While we were waiting to be seen to, it was inevitable we got drawn into the buzz of conversation that animated the line so much. Take the chap in front of us, who was still recounting his personal ?magic moments? of yesterday?s game, for example. For some reason, conversation then turned to our Swiss international keeper, and his various custodial blunders, widely documented elsewhere. ?Well I thought he didn?t have a bad game, really?.? said our new-found chum, trying to keep a straight face, and not succeeding.

?Stoppit!? said I, ?You?re oozing sarcasm from every single pore, you rotten thing, you!?

Another tale I heard, if not from the same guy, another pretty close by, concerned a mate?s workplace, and intelligence, conveyed by mobile, presumably, that in this particular factory (or whatever) all of the workforce, bar two, were Dingles. Bearing that in mind, guess who spent the whole of the morning with their chins scraping the floor (along with their knuckles, I wonder?), and who carried out their duties as if they?d been sniffing powerful solvent, or something?

What with that, and the general air of Baggie-happiness being exuded there, that waiting-time flew past in an instant ? or so it seemed ? and pretty soon, I was requesting my wants from the guy at the counter. While I was sorting everything out, The Fart asked the chap doing it how our Blues tickets were selling. Not very well, it would seem, which may seem quite surprising considering our recent form, but we both reckon the awful cost of the enterprise has acted as a pretty-steep deterrent to most supporters. In any case, as I pointed out earlier, St. Andrews is not exactly the most salubrious of away destinations, now, is it?

Everything having been sorted and squared away, so strong was my personal ?feelgood factor? after yesterday, I decided to pop into the club shop, and spend some moolah there, with The Fart acting as fashion adviser, of course. We also ran into the delectable Dee, she of ?Old Cross? pub fame, who also works in the club shop; my outstanding memory of her place is taking part in the ceremonial burning of a Dingles scarf on the day we clinched our first-ever promotion to the Premiership, thanks to our 2-0 win over Palace. As I recall, after partaking of a considerable amount of liquid refreshment inside the boozer (which is what led to the idea in the first place!) we all decanted to the car-park, and stood in a circle, cheering like mad, while the gold-and-cack object of our derision was duly torched. Don?t ask me who actually wielded the cigarette-lighter: after all that time, I haven?t a clue. What I do remember about the incident above all, though, is the disgustingly-awful reek emanating from said garment as the flames consumed it!

Isn?t it the Bible that says: ?Lead Us Not Into Temptation?? I do wish someone of a religious bent had spoken to me before going in there: before I knew it, I?d splashed out on a 1976-style away shirt, and a T-shirt celebrating The King, mad thing that I am! All essential wear in the weeks and months to come, no doubt. Certainly, after yesterday?s fine win ? until then, The Dingles had boasted one of the meanest rearguards in the entire division, remember ? I was really fired up for what was to come. As for ?them?, going by what I saw yesterday, they might well make the play-offs, and by some miracle, get in via the back door, but as for automatic promotion ? unless something changes pretty drastically, and soon, they can forget it!

As far as individual performances go, it goes without saying that Jason Koumas was, once more, the real architect of our Sabbath victory. How those Dingles must have hated the very sight of him: come the time he eventually left the action, not a few grateful prayers must have been offered to whatever gods power Dingles. Played them right off the park, he did, and what?s more, despite an (ultimately-abortive) attempt to double-mark him, he still managed to wind up top of their ?hate? list. That long pass to Greening, the one that made the first goal possible in the first place, was absolutely sublime. If he can continue in the same vein without being kicked into the air too much, there?ll be plenty more Championship defenders rueing the day they first clapped eyes on him before the current season finishes.

Greening? During the course of his entire Albion career to date, away crowds innumerable have loudly flagged up his resemblance to either a failed hippy, or a longstanding member of the travelling community. It?s the long lank locks that does it, I reckon; when he played for the club, it was Richard Sneekes that usually attracted similar comments from opposing supporters, something they generally regretted, once he?d planted one in right in the back of their net. But there?s nothing remotely like ?Neil?, the Nigel Planer perpetually-stoned student character in ?The Young Ones? about Greening, especially the way he belted that first goal in yesterday: visual ambrosia, it was, given the identity of the opposition. And on a Sabbath, too. Clearly, our man holds his religious beliefs in suspension when he?s up against a bunch of pagans such as our local rivals.

Joe Kamara? He?s got to be the revelation of the season, hasn?t he? Six goals in a little over three games thus far can?t be bad, can it? As the late Al Jolson once said, ?You ain?t seen nuthin? yet?? All this, remember, from a chap who struggled to get into our first string, last season, and was injured. With Jason Koumas out there providing the necessary ammo, just how good can things get for him? An honourable mention also for Albrechtsen, whose sound work on our flank led to our second.

Chris Perry? Doesn?t get proper credit for what he does out there, as far as I can see. It?s what you DON?T notice about his game that really makes the telling contribution. Gera? Only now is he getting back to the kind of form we know he can produce. Last season, when pitched up against some seriously-good sides, he gave more than a good account of himself. Hopefully, as our charge on the promotion places continues to heat up, so will Zoltan. In theory, when at his best, he should be murdering opposition defences at this level. As for that ?Spring-Heeled-Jack? trademark leap in the air of his ? how the hell does he do it? For a bloke as small as that, beating defenders to the ball in that amazing fashion should be a definite non-starter. Has he somehow chanced upon the secret of anti-gravity, or something? Or has he been secretly given muscles and tendons whose specifications defy all that?s currently known of anatomy and physiology? I think we should be told.

Nathan Ellington. Hmmmm. Despite looking much better of late, he doesn?t quite look the part, for me, still. As far as I?m concerned, he?s underachieving, and massively so. Now we?re of a more attacking bent, and the midfield ammo?s coming thick and fast, you would have thought he?d be back to his scorching form when with Wigan ? but he isn?t. Once more, he really needs a goal to get his confidence-glands producing more copiously, but they ain?t coming easily, are they? Hopefully, that?s something our coaching staff can work on over the weeks and months ahead.

And that, my friends, brings me neatly to what has to be the most vexing question on my mind right now: what to do with our Swiss international goalkeeper. He really worries me, that bloke. Unable to cleanly hang onto opposition attempts on goal, irrespective of how fiercely-struck, and a kick that?s as lousy as anything you?re likely to see during a Sunday League pub game ? how the hell did he get into the Swiss World Cup side in the first place? Being well aware of the fact that we employ specialist goalkeeping coaches to improve their game, and at considerable expense, no doubt, you do have to ask just what they?re doing to earn their coin right now? Assuming we aren?t going to ditch him, there?s a considerable amount of reconstruction work to be done in that area, methinks.

And that brings me to the vexing question of what our leader is going to do about tomorrow evening?s Cup game. Are we going to keep our powder dry until the Blues fixture, thereby giving some fringe players, some of them young, a chance to impress, or will we go for a rather more mature line-up? Well, there?s one big clue on the club website tonight: according to them, Kevin Phillips won?t be playing. That calf problem of his not properly resolved, the club reckons he?s not quite there fitness-wise, still, but should be OK for Saturday. One bit of good news, though: Darren Carter will be back from suspension once more, and available for Tuesday night.

Additionally, our leader has reported no other injury worries arising from yesterday, so, theoretically, at least, we should have a decent-sized pool from which to select the best eleven tomorrow evening. Whether that?s actually the case, though, remains a moot point. Both we and Arsenal played on Sunday, and both have a heavy programme coming up over the course of the next ten days or so, both in the Champions League and its Coca Cola lesser-light. A little fairy sitting on my shoulder tells me that when it comes to current priorities, it?s going to be league commitments, first time, every time. Sure, it would be nice to progress at their expense ? given all the above, they?re not likely to put their optimal eleven out either ? but, being realistic, how far can we go in that competition? Look at the way it mucked up Warnock?s lot in seasons gone bye: had they not had to contend with a gruelling League Cup programme in tandem with all the bread-and-butter stuff, they?d have been promoted long before now, I reckon. And what?s sauce for the Championship is likely to be sauce for the Premiership, especially given those European commitments I mentioned before. The Arse are after that Champions League title, and the rest can all go hang as far as Wenger is concerned.

No, I?m taking the pragmatic view, and regarding the Arsenal Cup game tomorrow night as a side-show, pretty much. If we can use that 90 minutes for developing young players, or similar, then fine. Saturday has got to be the ?biggie?. Blues are camped upon very rocky ground at the moment, and their manager, Steve Bruce, must be all-too aware that his time as their gaffer there could be coming to a pretty swift end, especially if we win. That could send our game one of two ways. If their players like their gaffer, don?t really want to see him get his P45, then they?re going to pull out all the stops when we get there. Should they feel otherwise, though, what a convenient way of getting the Gold brothers to shift their backsides, what? Could be we?ll be in for an absolute humdinger of a game.

And now, as promised, something of that call I had from Laraine on Friday. As per usual, we were nattering for ages ? I?d hate to see her phone bill, I really would ? and one of the subjects we discussed was young Matthew, The King?s most likely heir. We now reckon we know why the sudden interest from the Premiership club I mentioned in a previous column. After getting the phone call, a very puzzled Dawn spoke to one of the coaches at the Academy the young shavers attends these days, and recounted what happened. Not knowing that young Matthew was Jeff?s grandson ? the family have always been insistent upon the fact he doesn?t use the composition of his DNA as an ?easy in? ? he then enquired of Dawn whether there was a professional in the family. Apparently, when on ?fishing expeditions such as this one, big clubs always say that being related to someone of demonstrable talent ticks one of the ?bones? they specify when asking scouts to check upon a promising child. Dawn apparently, got the impression that he was only expecting her to tell him about someone playing for, say Crewe, because he nearly fell down with shock once she?d revealed the truth!

The second ?box? that big clubs like to see ticked? That became apparent when the same guy asked Dawn what foot the lad used. When she told him Matthew favoured his left one, you could see the light-bulb lit almost immediately, for that?s the SECOND big box ticked. Somehow, they?d discovered Matthew?s ancestry, and after watching him play (that?s why they rang in the first place, to get permission) that?s what really made them sit up and take notice. Apparently, of all the lads this particular club have taken on at that tender age, only Matthew is a left-footer.

Oh ? and another thing. When Dawn was watching him take part in the winnowing-down process that starts to take place around that age ? many are called, but few are chosen, it would seem ? when he did things wrong, as you might expect, the coaching staff pulled him up, but not in a nasty sort of way, of course. Apparently, young Matthew?s reaction to criticism was to take it on the chin, and give as good as he got ? but, again, not in any way disrespectful of his seniors. After the session, Dawn spoke to the coach concerned, and apologised: his response was quite illuminating.

?When I?m looking to choose between two lads, I?d much rather take on the lad that takes criticism right on the chin, shrugs it off, and carries on, rather than a kid that tries to hide all the time, or moan, when you do it. The reason is I know that if they make it all the way, they?ll be good in the dressing-room!? According to Laraine, although still very young, Matthew has the same cheeky sort of grin The King had, and as I said, isn?t short of a quip or two, either. You can certainly see where all this is leading around ten years or so hence, can?t you?

And so we come to the end of a satisfactory day ? if you?re an Albion fan, that is! Back tomorrow evening, with my account of our doings versus The Gunners, so hang loose until then.

And Finally?? One. When leaving the East Stand car-park and passing through the Astle Gates, I happened to notice The Fart patting both images of The King quite lovingly as he passed by. Thinking this to be no more than a foible peculiar to our ancient chum, I said no more ? until I saw the Midlands Today footage of supporters at yesterday?s game, that is. Loads of people passing through the same gates in the same way as we did today, and around 80 per cent of ?em doing exactly the same thing! Are we witnessing the birth of a brand-new Hawthorns tradition, I wonder?

Two. Nothing whatsoever to do with either Albion or football, this one, but seeing as it had me in stitches when I saw it tonight, I consider it my bounden duty to pass it on. Picking up tonight?s E and S to read their comments ? and, if truth were known, to have a damn good gloat, also! ? then, once I?d caught up on the important stuff, turning the pages to other newsworthy items, I eventually came to their letters page, adjacent to which was their ?Gary Rhodes Column?. His is not a viewpoint I necessarily agree with on most issues, but that?s not the real point. What was, though, was the picture featured about halfway down, which depicted a direction sign placed outside what was, presumably, a hospital of some description. What did it say? ?CONTRACEPTION ADVICE - USE REAR ENTRANCE?. ?Nuff said?

 - Glynis Wright

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