The Diary

16 September 2006: A Shrimpers Showdown At The Shrine Tomorrow?

Well and truly back into the Championship groove we go tomorrow, when we play host to Southend United (pronounced ?Sarfend? by the natives, of course), known by all and sundry as ?The Shrimpers? despite the depressing fact that if you will insist upon wading through the chemical-infused mudbath one generally finds in the Thames Estuary these days in order to grab yourself a cheapskate seafood dinner ? yes, Steve The Miser, I mean you, just in case the inclination strikes you when we play them at their place - then you damn well deserve everything coming to you.

Shrimps ? well, most sea creatures with shells and carapaces on, actually ? are what?s called ?filter feeders?, which basically means that barring bog-standard sand, which comes in at one end, then leaves by the other as if nothing at all had happened, whatever else gets sucked in, good, bad, indifferent, can and does wind up completely incorporated into their tissues. Wonderful if the pollutant just happens to be, say, mercury, and you?re next in line in the food chain. In short, you name the chemical pollutant and it?ll very likely stay there.

Mind you, given the way global warming?s expected to go right through the roof over the course of the next thirty years or so, and knowing the predicted vulnerability of that part of the world to regular flooding, I strongly suspect that Roots Hall will be staging not the beautiful game, by then, but water-polo tournaments innumerable. Unlike fellow-newbies Colchester, this season isn?t their first ever at this level. Back in the nineties, our path and theirs crossed in League action for several seasons in a row ? which is why I?ve now developed a healthy respect for the distances involved when travelling to the return fixture. Believe you me, that bloody M3 seems to go on, and on, and on?..

But back to tomorrow?s tussle, then. After Tuesday night?s Deepdale defeat, if our current management team value their jobs, they?ll be busting a gut to get things back on track by teatime. Stuff up badly, and things might just turn a little nasty out there for our dynamic duo. Don?t think it likely? Well, we only managed to sort out Leicester because of a flukey late own-goal and penalty. Just prior to the unintentional strike that finally got us off the hook, I?d written the whole thing off as a goalless draw.

Although being one of the current Championship clubs with the infrastructure to be much more upwardly-mobile, The Foxes are currently bogged down in the morass of the area immediately above the drop-zone, therefore it might be argued that we should have done much better than we did last week. More chance of the entire population of Tehran converting to Judaism than our favourite football club getting off the mark, I?d thought by the 80 minute mark at the time ? but that?s football for you. Always a potential twist in the tale, however superficial the story.

Team news? Well, according to the club website, Clem and Curtis Davies won?t be back for another four weeks at the very least. The prognosis for Davies?s broken foot is much improved upon what was originally anticipated, apparently, and Clem will also be back to full training before too long. At least we?ll have another couple of additional options available when they finally get match-fit ? hopefully, that will help. As for Steve Watson and Tommy G, both have still a long way to go. As for the rest, well, as our leader seems ecstatically happy with understudies McShane and Chris Perry at present, let?s assume they?ll both be getting the managerial nod tomorrow afternoon, shall we?

According to the pre-match blurb, John Hartson has an ankle problem following Tuesday?s defeat, so it looks as though both Nathan Ellington and Kevin Phillips will be carrying the attacking torch for the Baggies tomorrow. Well, that would constitute a considerable improvement in my book: at least we?ll be blessed with at least one striker possessive of considerably more pace than that of a Mogadon-overdosed slug. Let?s just hope that The Duke is suitably fired up for it, eh? Oh ? and that someone else, Koumas, maybe, after his sudden re-conversion to the cause, starts providing them both with some ammo they can actually make good use of, for once.

For Ellington to get well and truly back on the goalscoring trail now would do a great deal to assuage any further outrage caused by the depressing news both Rob Earnshaw and Kanu are knocking ?em like nobody?s business for both their own new clubs right now. Astonishing, but the latter?s (precise date of birth impossible to establish, mainly owing to the lad?s country of birth having extremely lax policy rules when it comes to registering births!) one of the Prem?s highest scorers; no wonder I?m still as mad as hell about it. Southend? Their star performer appears to be Freddie Eastwood ? surname, by some coincidence, the same as The King?s place of birth ? who notched up 23 goals to get The Shrimpers up last season, and with the current campaign but young, he?s already hit the back of the net on three occasions. (Unlike a few others we know) Not a man to be ignored, clearly.

As for their own lame and halt list, they?ll be without veteran defender Spencer Prior after he was ruled out for two weeks with a knee injury, but former England striker Michael Ricketts ? fancy that, a footballer named after a bone disease caused by lack of Vitamin D - is in contention for a start. Additionally, defender Spencer Prior will be playing wallflower owing to a knee injury sustained in training. Striker Lee Bradbury remains sidelined thanks to a recent thigh problem (I?d ? erm ? ?thigh? if I had to live in a place like Southend!) while attacking oppo Michael Ricketts is still regaining his fitness after an Achilles problem. Must be feeling a bit of a heel for not being able to play, I reckon. (Sorry, folks, it must be that bloody Normal Bartlam influencing me again ? don?t worry, I?ll get me coat!)

Tomorrow?s game will be significant for yet another excellent reason, and that?s because of my great nephew, age six, who will be attending his first-ever Albion game. Altogether, now ? ?Ahhhhhhh!? It?s all because of Albion?s admirable ?kids for a quid? incentive, of course, and when he goes, he?ll be accompanied by doting mum and dad, plus uncle. Just like the abrupt ? and classic ? realisation that local bobbies are looking much younger these days, the news that your great nephew is about to undergo his Baggies baptism of fire doesn?t half make you wonder where all those years have gone, all of a sudden.

Thinking back to four seasons ago, when The Noise?s youngest, Bethany, attended the Crystal Palace promotion decider at a similar age to that of my nephew ? yep, that wondrous day was one of her first ever experiences of The Shrine ? I?m now furiously speculating upon how tomorrow?s Baggie doings will look through young Ethan?s juvenile eyes, and what manner of impressions he?ll take away with him come the final whistle. Returning to Bethany for a moment, when we asked her what she remembered of the occasion, her reply was short and sweet. ?Lots of colour, and lots of noise??? which, when you come to think about it, is a pretty accurate summary of what transpired that sunny April day when SuperBob and Big Dave struck, and Albion history was made at The Dingles expense.

Given where we are in the table, and given where they are, form says we should collar all three points with minimal effort, but it?s at moments like that my mental processes proceed to give me a stinging whack on the wrist, thereby bringing me straight back to Earth again with a jolt. It?s Albion we?re talking about, here ? remember? I may be getting the heebie-jeebies over nothing at all, of course, but nothing surprises me in football any longer.

Mind you, a home defeat could prove very career-stopping for our manager indeed. Not necessarily because of this one, but because of a possible perceived need on the part of our board to rectify any damage done while it?s still possible to reverse the decline. It might well be that the cut-off point will prove to be the Dingles game, classical graveyard for other Baggies gaffers found wanting, of course. Win, and the descent of what?s rapidly shaping up to be a metaphorical sword of Damocles ominously dangling above the head of our gaffer is averted, albeit temporarily. Lose, and the club might well be frantically looking for a replacement before very long. Which way is it going to pan out, I wonder?

And Finally??One. Before I start, let me get one thing absolutely straight - what now follows is 100 per cent gospel truth! When he?s not writing about football or actually watching games. ?Im Indoors just happens to work for a large government department. A boring sort of existence, sometimes, but the sheer human frailty and/or idiocy shown by some clients certainly makes it all worth while in the old humour stakes. Take yesterday afternoon for example, when one of his colleagues rang my other half with a wondrous tale to tell about a close encounter just he?d had with two clients.

What happened? One of the lad?s duties involved interviewing Wolverhampton job-seekers at great length, but on this particular occasion, he couldn?t actually supply the couple seated in front of him with the specialised job information they so urgently required to enter the labour market. A long pause from Simon?s chum, then ? EUREKA! ?Tell you what,? he said, ?Why don?t you go to Birmingham Job Centre, where they?ve got staff with just the experience to sort out this kind of problem for you??

His two clients looked a bit - no, better make that VERY! - doubtful for a moment, then clocking their hesitation and profound uncertainty about embarking on such an almighty journey, and the probable reason why ? even in this modern day and age, Black Country people still tend to be somewhat parochial in outlook ? he then suggested they go to Dudley Port station, their nearest and easiest way of getting to Brum at that time, and take the train to New Street Station from there. Just to make things even clearer, he drew them a little map showing how to get there, and how to get to the Jobcentre from the station once there. Off they duly trotted, then, little map in hand, and as they did so, my other half?s mate went and poured himself a congratulatory cup of coffee, all the while musing greatly upon the happy thought that if you communicated effectively with your clients from the very beginning, thereby greatly facilitating genuine co-operation on future interviews, it all served to considerably oil the governmental wheels of shoving formerly-unemployed bums under office desks, or whatever.

Oh dear. Whatever smug warm glow of mental contentment and/or achievement he?d managed to stoke up afterwards was swiftly shattered by a phone call just a couple of hours later. The caller turned out to be the male half of the couple he?d advised only that same morning. ?Er ? we found Dudley Port Stayshun loike yow sed, ?an we gorron the train orl roite, but we doe think we?m in Brum?.?

?Er ? what station are you at, then??.? asked a by-now-very-puzzled Civil Servant, who?d only that morning had sent them on their merry way happy in the knowledge the instructions he?d given them were both simple and accurate, yet fully-comprehensive in scope: ?Idiot proof?, in other words.

?Doe know, cor say it?..?

Suddenly finding himself gripped by an awful premonition all was not well with the couple, trying to buy himself some urgently-needed mental time to devise a solution, he then asked them to do the obvious thing. ?Er ? so you?re not at New Street, then, and you?re not sure how to pronounce the name of where you are? OK, no problem, just spell out the letters one by one, then once I know where you are, I can put you straight again. Take it slowly, you?ve got plenty of time?.?

?Oo arrr, oi con dew that jed easy, aer kid ? erm, roite, then, am yow ready?? A pregnant pause followed, the sound of a very sharp intake of breath coming from the other end, then, Very?..Slowly?..Indeed: ?C-R-E-W-E??.?

Two?.. One of the Great Mysteries Of Our Time, this one. (Or, to be completely accurate, last weekend?) How come is it that bloody Sheffield United, in the Prem for the very first time of asking, just as we were about four seasons ago, manage to get TWO penalties in one early match, while we had to wait until the very last day just to get ONE? Having said that, something tells me God isn?t an avid Warnock fan. Two spot-kicks they got, sure ? but still they ended up not hitting the target with either!

Three (and chucking in this one because I want to, so there). Remember what I said recently about Pluto? Well, the planet?s relegation to astronomy?s Conference has stirred up a right old hornets nest, it would appear. Apparently, when the vote was finally taken to exclude what was then our outermost planet from the loop, a huge number of the delegates to that International Astronomical Union conference had gone home by then. And once they realised what had happened behind their backs, an awful lot weren?t best pleased about it, which is why there?s been such a lot of wittering about it of late in the scientific press.

Result? Thanks to all those protests, it?s now looking as though astronomy?s ruling body might well take this surprisingly contentious issue to the floor once more, which could mean Pluto?s reinstatement in the big time before too long. Confused? Not half as much as me, and as for the poor schoolkids who will most likely have to make several rapid mental readjustments regarding this issue, depending upon whether or not the decision?s reversed, of course, I really do feel for them. As for the planet itself, it wasn?t talking to the press the last time I tried to ask it how it felt about being demoted, so I don?t really know what its thoughts currently are on this issue, but rest assured, if it does regain its planetary status once more, it?ll be making damn sure it doesn?t get demoted again. Anything?s got to be better than a freezing cold and rainswept midweek away fixture to somewhere like Morecambe, hasn?t it?

 - Glynis Wright

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