The Diary

14 September 2006: Baggies Veteran Striker Problem: Sanatogen And Phyllosan All Round, Chaps?

So. Last night, we stuffed up very badly indeed against a lively and hungry Preston side that leapfrogged right over us in the table as a result. Thanks to last night?s combination of all-round ineptitude with a quite remarkable Ayengamang overhead kick that found the target, the Deepdale crew now occupy what was our fourth place spot, while we?re left contemplating life in eighth place, sandwiched between Luton Town and Southampton, both of whom are not exactly the greatest of bedfellows, really. Having read a number of diverse accounts of last night?s game, as gleaned from various sources, including emails sent by fellow-Baggies of my acquaintance over the last 12 hours or so, and realising the perils of increasingly relying upon what amounts to two distinctly overripe campaigners to get goals, I really am beginning to wonder, now, whether The Hawthorns ought to be registered with Sandwell Social Services as a care home for geriatrics as a matter of urgency. After all, would it only lend a certain amount of legitimacy to something that appears to be ever-so-gradually creeping in as club policy, of late?

Come on, Albion: just think of the numerous advantages! First off, there?s that nice heating allowance that well and truly breaks the heart of aspirant Dear Leader Gordon Brown every single time he has to dig out the money from the battered biscuit tin kept under his 11 Downing Street bed. Paid around November, too, so my step-mother informs me. And what about that free TV Licence deal for the over-75?s? Time to have yet another long lingering look at John Hartson?s birth certificate, I reckon. Of particular importance to the medical staff, more than anyone else, is the free prescription concession to OAP?s. Wow, Jeremy ? just think of the ackers the club could save there! Any vexing problems sorting it all out, just enlist the assistance of a charitable organisation like Help The Aged to do your lobbying for you. A lurking posse of umbrella-toting-and-poking wrinklies to add to existing Parliamentary discomfiture is always favourite, and concentrates minds wonderfully every time. Easy peasy, isn?t it?

Even the commercial department could cash in on the benefits should they really want to: simply write to a leading manufacturer of Zimmer frames, and ask if they?d be interested in sponsoring a game or three! A similar deal for manufacturers of incontinence aids? Er ? perhaps not, at this stage. Why not really push the boat out and offer membership of SAGA to those players believed to be eligible; after all, the way things are going, there?s bound to be more superannuated elderly journeymen bound for Planet Albion ere the Christmas and New Year festivities are done with. Or, join the environmentally friendly brigade, and incorporate the offer of free bus passes into any future player-club contractual negotiations involving footballing geriatrics wishing to give their ailing careers a bit of a jump-start?

Seriously, though, after last night, you really do wonder how we?re going to amass enough goals to not only get us back into the top six, but keep us there for the remainder of the current season. A quick look at the latest Championship table is particularly illuminating in this respect. As things currently stand, we?ve managed to bang in a miserable ? not to mention totally embarrassing - seven goals thus far, both home and away. Of all the sides keeping us company in that top eight, only The Dingles have notched up less. Look much further below, though, down in the basement, as it stood pre-kick-off tonight, and you?ll quickly notice two things. Firstly, QPR (7 ?for?), and Sunderland (was 8, now 11 ?for?, thanks to an astonishing 3-0 win at Elland Road tonight. Here?s more food for thought, should you still need it. Post-Roy Keane ? hands up all those veteran Baggies who, like me, reckon Keane?s demeanour, enthusiasm, and passionate touchline antics as seen during games reminds them very strongly of a youthful Brian Clough, before his subsequently-famous Derby and Forest incarnations? - they?ve now won as many away games in four days as we have over the course of the last two years. Only two points now separate them and us. Be afraid. Very afraid.)

Even more astonishing are lowly Colchester; this division?s savage amusement-fodder they might well turn out to be, but even they have managed to knock in no less than 10 thus far, beating our measly tally by a good three. As for the bottom three proper, only bottom-bumpers Hull City have racked up less than us. The inference is obvious, and I shouldn?t really need to spell it out, should I? Put in a nutshell, our current main armament is absolute pants: in our current state of complete ineptitude, we couldn?t hit a cow?s backside in a blizzard (so amply demonstrated by that appalling Hartson miss from about five yards out last night), and unless we can get it sorted, and soon, you might as well all kiss a swift return to grace goodbye.

There is also an additional factor at play here, and it concerns Hartson yet again. Thus far this term, he?s managed to rack up no fewer than three yellow cards; at this rate, the time can?t be all that far off when his various accumulated misdemeanours trigger an automatic suspension. As far as that situation?s concerned, I can only hope Ellington somehow manages to relocate his striking mother-lode in the very near future, because if he doesn?t, we?re well and truly banjaxed.

Another cause for concern appears to be our gaffer?s penchant for long-ball tactics. Sure, with Hartson trying to be both the target-man and resident flick-on king, I can readily see why he goes with that option, but from what I?ve read about last night?s game, it didn?t really seem to be working. Either those balls from the former Celtic man went completely astray, or he was penalised for fouling his marker, a silly state of affairs that resulted in yet another booking, of course. Mind you, if we are going to be literal about last night?s striking cock-ups, perhaps I should also mention Zoltan Gera who, apparently, went one-on-one, with just their keeper to beat, but instead of busting the Deepdale net, as per the script, he squared it to Phillips instead, who, thoroughly startled by this unexpected turn of events, reacted as if it were a live hand-grenade his playing colleague had kicked towards his feet, thereby giving the attendant Preston defender ample time to intercept and nullify the danger.

As for the other end of the pitch, seven games into the current season, now, and it seems that my initial misgivings about Zoobie (committed to this diary piece as early as the Real Sociedad friendly, in fact) are still well-justified. Several people stated a distinct lack of confidence in his custodial abilities after last night?s game, and, as someone on the list said earlier today, perhaps it?s just as well that the incredible goal apart, our back four seemed to have got things very much sorted between them. Ish!

Come next Saturday, and our meeting with Southend, should our ailing strike-force not show clear signs of improvement by then, things may get just a little acrimonious come the final whistle, especially if we?ve failed to collect all three points. And it?s not just up front, of course; rightly or wrongly, other players, too, might find themselves landing on the wrong end of the crowd?s fury come ten to five, which isn?t a desirable situation at all. I can only hope that everyone connected with the club is working like stink to sort out our various problems on the training ground, and well before they end up sorting US out. If we supporters can watch a game, then correctly diagnose what?s at fault come the end, and without too much heart-searching involved either, then surely it?s not completely beyond the wit or imagination of our gaffer to assess the situation in a similar manner? And to actually be seen to do something about it afterwards would be awfully nice, as well, chaps! I really do despair sometimes.

Back again on Friday night with some sundry thoughts concerning the Roots Hall mob, plus any other scandalous and gossip-strewn snippets I manage to uncover in the meantime. Yes, I know, as the old Black Country saying goes (or used to) ? ?It?s bein? miserable as keeps ?er a-gooin?!? But do feel free to join me: after all, isn?t misery supposed to adore company?

And Finally?? Thanks to The Fart for this one?.. Apparently, two Baggies supporters, Josie and Mick Timmins (during the late 1950s, I used to be in the same class at Joseph Edward Cox Primary School, Friar Park, as a lad with the same surname ? any relation, I wonder?) managed to rake in 1.2 million pounds on last weekend?s Lottery, lucky sods that they are! Formerly too brassic to invest in his ?n? hers Baggies season-tickets, now they?ve scooped the pot, that?s precisely what they?ve gone and done, bless their little replica shirts to death.

First stop the Hawthorns, for a celebratory photo shoot/bottle of bubbly, apparently, closely followed by that all-important purchase previously mentioned. Mind you, had it been me collaring that amount of dosh or similar, never mind a sodding season-ticket. I?d have immediately had urgent negotiations with Albion?s commercial department concerning the purchase of an East Stand box on a long-term basis, on the quite valid assumption that I?m not getting any younger, and really cold weather does unspeakable things to my back these days! Having said all that, such is my appalling luck with such matters, it?s about as much as I can do to turn up just three balls with my weekly flutter, never mind all flaming six!

 - Glynis Wright

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