The Diary

04 August 2006: Humber Lumber, Tomorrow - Or Hull Null Instead?

As Lance-Corporal Jones of Dad?s Army fame used to shout when confronted with the scary or unexpected?.. ?DON?T PANIC!? As those of you long enough in the tooth to remember this particular form of light entertainment will know ? and all you kiddiwinkles privileged to see the repeats of this gently-affectionate World War 2 comedy as well ? it was when this gentleman also started running around in ever-decreasing frenzied circles his comrades really had to worry. The same rule has to apply to we Albionites right now, because just a few days ago, I spotted something in the Evening Mail that really had my blood running cold, and wishing fervently for the vocal powers of Clive Dunn?s superannuated Home Guard character.

Remember, last Sunday night, how I?d bemoaned the distinct lack of firepower in our ranks, and predicted a sorry season for us should we not get the problem fixed within a very short space of time? Well, it appears that our favourite football club might have also pondered a little on this very same subject in recent times, because that was the subject-matter under discussion in the Mail article I mentioned. The trouble was, it was GEOFF HORSFIELD they were talking about. The possibility of bringing him back to the club in order to get us out of what was likely to prove an almighty mess, I mean. The club have since played down the story ? and I do believe that in any case, our former hod-toting striker?s services have since been snapped up by another top-notch outfit, Leeds ? but, terminal cynic that I am, I?m still prepared to go as per the old saying ?there?s no smoke without fire?. As I pointed out last Sunday, the grabbing of League goals in any quantity ? or not ? is going to be absolutely crucial to our eventual fate come the end of this season, and right now, our two advertised solutions to the dilemma ? Hartson and Ellington ? totally fail to stir my imagination.

Tomorrow will see the start of our Championship campaign proper, Hull City providing the opposition, of course. We?ll also start with another striker light, because our old mucker Kev Campbell has since jumped ship to Cardiff City, and free-agent Kanu looks as though he?s on his way to Pompey. According to the press, Duke Ellington wants out and back to Wigan, while our old mucker Jason Koumas ? well, such is his antipathy for everything Albion right now, I?m not sure if even his own parents know what he really wants. The way his fines are going, it won?t be long before he?s the only professional footballer to pick up wages slips preceded by a MINUS figure! Joe Kamara is also out until October, apparently, but I?m not too sure as to why. Suggestions from the floor, anyone?

Given our likely problems in front of goal, I?m not exactly anticipating a landslide come five to five tomorrow; should we manage to grab all three points for ourselves, the probable margin will be by that of a single goal only. More realistically, I can see the score-sheet still bloodless after sixty or seventy minutes, say, and there not being a realistic ?Plan B? anywhere else in the offing. I do hope I?m wrong, of course, but the Real Sociedad game didn?t exactly transport me to a state of total rapture. Oh, well ? if nothing else materialises, I can always rub the balding and bespectacled pate of Supporters Club publicity man John Homer for luck ? the poor sod (plus his missus!) just happens to sit right in front of me!

There has been talk in the press of Man United?s young hopeful Rossi wending his youthful way down the M6 on loan as part of the proposed deal for The Pole In Goal: should it actually materialise, then my hopes of us getting out in one come next May would increase tenfold. Although very much on the fringe of meaningful action at Old Trafford right now, the lad Rossi is no slouch in front of goal, and could do us a pretty useful job indeed here were Fergie and Robbo to come to an amicable agreement over our Polish custodian. Sure, I?d be sorry to see us lose such a bloody good keeper, but sometimes, you have to ride with a lesser blow in order to land a much more telling one on the opposition later in the contest. Fingers crossed, and all that?

Most of the news in these here parts, though, has been totally dominated by the (well, for me, at any rate) astonishing news that Martin O?Neill has actually agreed to sign on the dotted line for Villa ? and, what makes their capture even more bizarre, with octogenarian chairman Deadly Doug still very much steering the ship, too. With news like that, you really have to wonder precisely what manner of mind-altering substance they stuck in O?Neill?s beverage before they finally got him to sign on the dotted.

As O?Neill (who has a psychology degree, by the way, and is therefore no mug when it comes to the day-to-day wheeling-and-dealing of modern football management) is known in the game for being very much his own man, you can only assume that Deadly Doug will be riding into the sunset ere a few weeks have passed ? and the new man has made sure he?s got it well and truly in writing, too! Far be it upon me to wish ill-fortune upon a local rival, but there still remains a secret hope that Doug?s decaying brain cells, combined with an a very much overactive sense of self-importance on his part, lead to a subsequent 180-degree change of mind - in which case, it would all end in tears, no doubt.

Not being 'in the loop', as it were, I've got absolutely no idea how many season-tickets have been sold/renewed in anticipation of 2006-07, but if you read carefully between the lines, there are certain strong indications to be found. One such clue is the publicity-hype normally peddled by Albion's media department around this time of year - or, more pertinently, the lack of it this time round.

In recent seasons gone by, the club haven't been at all backwards in coming forwards about the number of bums plonked on seats for the next nine months or so. This term, the silence has been positively deafening. Oh, and the sudden mushroom-like eruption of a little kiosk by the Astle Gates advertising the sale of Brummie tickets for cash on the day is a pretty big give-away, also. I know it's difficult to make a snap-judgment on the basis of last Sunday?s game, but the relative paucity of the attendance (and I still find it difficult to believe there were actually 4,500 people watching that day: my own estimate was for around half that figure) leads me to think that we'll be seeing some pretty embarrassing gaps in those seats come the start of hostilities proper versus Hull tomorrow. I'm also basing my views on the number of former regulars who have told me personally they'll be either restricting their support this time round, or not attending at all.

With an awful lot of ?waverers? still out there wanting to be convinced, wanting to believe that they should still remain faithful to what has been their virtual religion for so long, should we get off to a bad start, then I think we should all start worrying about what the subsequent slow haemorrhage of long-serving supporters will do to the place. Certainly, the Supporters? Club told of a steady drop-off in their membership numbers these last couple of seasons at their AGM last Thursday evening ? in fact, a brace of outlying branches have had little alternative but to fold.

The reasons for this don?t necessarily mirror what?s been happening on Planet Albion of late, of course; some have been deterred by current club policy not to allow players to attend any outlying branch meetings, while others have suffered because of an inability to find successors for long-serving committee members who have had to give up owing to other commitments. Another problem is the current Supporters Club matchday HQ, The Hawthorns Hotel, which some former Throstle Club regulars ? that building?s still there, by the way, some two or three seasons after the club closed it in anticipation of eventual demolition to make way for new school premises - absolutely detest. The current overall committee are doing their level best to get the best possible future deal for their wide-flung flock, of course ? more news as and when I can make everything ?official? ? so it?s now a case of ?fingers crossed? all round.

The other news of note emanating from that AGM was the elevation of former defender ?Big Dave? - now doing his thing for Derby County, of course, where, to no-one?s surprise here, he?s been voted their Player Of The Season, and by a country mile, too ? to the rarely-bestowed position of Supporters? Club Life Member, in other words, effectively becoming ?one of us? for ever more. As most active Baggies will know, it?s very few players, current or former, that end up crossing the ?great divide? that customarily sunders those who turn out in the stripes every Saturday from those less-talented mortals who can only watch ? and admire - from afar.

In my own supporting lifetime (The Fart would most certainly add his own generation?s names to the list as well, given the chance to do so) I?ve seen The King, John Osborne, Bomber Brown, Cyrille Regis (in my experience, the only Wolves player ever to get genuine applause ? not abuse! - when running onto the Hawthorns pitch as sub) and Bob Taylor elected to this very unofficial elite by popular consent, the main criterion being an ability to engage in precisely the same matchday activities as their followers, to totally relate to and with them, be as one with them, both mentally and physically ? and be absolutely sincere in their motivation for doing it, as well.

A strikingly good illustration of what this relationship can mean was en-route to our last away game of the Premiership season, at Goodison. It?s not every day you can travel on the coach to an away game, and be served coffee and eats by one of Albion?s most popular recent strikers, SuperBob ? then sit, cheer and mutually groan with the guy in the same stand, same row of seats, afterwards! And no ?one-off? that, either: football commitments elsewhere permitting, of course, it?s not at all unusual to see ?Supes? turning up ?incognito?, as he playfully terms it, in some away end or another at some stage of the season or other.

Some have tried to court popularity by other means, of course, but Black Country people are pretty good when it comes to sniffing out insincerity at forty paces; that sort of player invariably crashes and burns in the attempt, and spectacularly so, too. Others ? jailed and disgraced striker and local lad Lee Hughes being a prime example ? would have achieved similar status as a matter of course had not Fate, coupled with a mega-dosage of terminal stupidity, intervened, while others ? you could argue Don Goodman to be one such player ? completely blew their own chances of supporter-immortality by what seemed at the time to be the underhand and distasteful manner of their hasty departure from the club.

Having had dealings with Big Dave from his very first day at The Shrine ? neither The Fart nor I will ever forget the sheer bulk of his body as he descended the stairs in the Halfords Lane Stand that Friday morning ? ?a mobile eclipse?, I called him, due to the fact he actually managed to blot out the sun on his way down, his wonderfully-friendly manner won us both over there and then. Having pointed him in the general direction of where both future team-mates and manager could be found, and at what time, plus the approximate whereabouts of the team coach ? we were due to play Watford away the following day, if my memory serves me well - he thanked us both profusely for the info. ?What a lovely man?.? we both exclaimed, once he was well out of earshot. No, as far as I?m concerned, ?Big Dave? can now be mentioned in the same breath as all the aforementioned former Hawthorns icons, and deservedly so, in my opinion.

Oh ? and a late tale from my sister, who happens to know a parent with a lad who eats, drinks, and sleeps football, 24/7. Apparently, the adults running his kids league needed a footballing celeb to present some end-of-season trophies to the kids. A certain former local favourite (no names, no pack-drill, but I DO happen to know who it was!) was approached, but unbelievably, he wanted SEVERAL GRAND to do the evening?s work, so instead, the officials got in touch with Big Dave, who was more than pleased to oblige, you won?t be too surprised to hear. Not only did he fulfil the engagement for nothing, I?m told his wonderfully charismatic personality really made the night something special for those kids. What with all the awful publicity the game normally gets, it?s wonderful to hear of a professional ?putting something back? for a change. Good on yer, Darren.

Turning from the story of a former player who totally won the respect of his former followers, we now shift to one supporter who most certainly got my respect very recently. Step up for your allocated 15 minutes-worth of fame, The Noise ? assuming you can stop yakking for long enough to read what I?ve got to say in this column, of course! How come? As per his Friday evening phone call to ?Im Indoors, dear readers, during the course of which it emerged that when Albion played Motherwell as part of their Scottish tour a couple of Sundays back, totally on the spur of the moment, our hero decided to pile both missus and kids into the back of his vehicle, and make the long, long trek up the M6 to the outskirts of Glasgow, where the Scottish club hangs out on a home matchday.

And, back, of course, and all in the same day, too ? no wimpish overnight stays for this Baggie! All laud and honour to Mister Noise, as the distance between the two places ? Stoke, and dear auld Glasgae toon ? is absolutely horrendous, even with the proximity of the M6 at both ends making the trip motorway nearly all the way. Chicken-feed to our Aussie brethren, of course ? they seem to regard an arduous two-hour evening drive through the bush, kamikaze kangaroos and all, as just a bit of ?Sunday driving? ? but, to we more compacted and compressed Poms, to all intents and purposes, a trip to the very ends of the earth. Plus, costing a small fortune in petrol, a factor which is assuming more and more importance these days, of course, especially if you?re trying hard to make those pennies count.

What makes the entire trip all the more remarkable is the fact that just the day before, our hero had worked an entire 12-hour shift at his place of work ? chucking heavy pottery pallets around for that length of time is no sinecure, trust me on that one - and following his little Sunday jaunt ? as Jayne doesn?t drive, his was a solo effort, both there and back - he then had to work a further two in succession! No wonder he told ?Im Indoors it had taken him three full days to properly get over it! The trip was also noteworthy for his wife Jayne?s abortive attempts to emulate the photographic feats of David Bailey, but using a mobile camera lens and memory to record various scenes for posterity instead of a conventional camera. Well, that was the master-plan, apparently ? when daughter Carly (now stated to be unattached, apparently, so any young Baggie getting the ?hots?, and fancying their chances?) came to see what had become of her carefully-posed effort with Darren Carter in front of the team coach, she discovered a lovely image of her two feet there, plus Darren?s, of course, but very little else, sadly!

And, on the ?Albion player with the silliest name? front, it?s looking very much as though we?re going to obtain the services of a certain Danny Shittu, formerly of QPR, of course. Mind you, it was not so long ago he had a chap rejoicing in the splendid name of ? wait for it! ? Doo Doo, as a team-mate! A capture very much in the spirit of former Albionites with slightly-dodgy names, as per Bernt Hass (who has a ?double working as a vet at our local practice, it would seem; very good at sticking thermometers up feline bums he is, too!), the splendidly-named John Thomas, and last, but not least, our very own ?admin king? Gordon Bennett, formerly of - nudge, nudge; wink, wink wink; fnyar!, fnyar! - Bristol Rovers!

And Finally?.. One. Just the other day, I found a little billet doux shoved through my letter-box, a ?flyer? for some enterprising chancer or other in nearby Sparkhill, apparently. According to the blurb, the gentleman responsible, a certain ?Professor Towfek?, claims the remarkable ability to sort out ?evil influences; bad luck; career problems; court cases; business difficulties; relationship problems?.

?I can help bring them back to you, and help you with any other problems you may have ? so don?t suffer in silence, call today for an appointment!? With such a wide-ranging (and, presumably, effective) portfolio of solutions for the many problems that beset the human race from time to time, who?s going to hand that flyer to our manager, then ? you or I?

Two? The Sunday Times last week informed me that scientists are planning to recreate the DNA of Neanderthals in the laboratory. It?s 99.96% the same as ours, apparently, and its secrets will take around two years to tweak out from fossils found in Croatia. Recent research has shown that Neanderthals lived happily side by side with our lot, up to around several thousand years ago, before finally becoming extinct, thereby forever ceding the evolutionary marathon to the human race proper.

According to the Max Planck Institute, in Leipzig, Germany, it?s going to take an awful lot of painstaking laboratory work to recreate the sequence of the DNA in question ? but, as any Albion supporter well knows, they could have so easily saved themselves all that bother and expense. Why go to all that trouble when you could have at your constant disposal some perfectly good clinical and research material just ten or so miles further up the A41?

Three?. Another ?Big Dave? revelation from Thursday night ? apparently, he car-shares it up the A38 to Derby with none other than former Blues and Albion man Paul Peschisolido for company. Must be a truly wondrous sight to behold, that one, on leaving their vehicle at the other end ? an irritatingly-small ?moon? buzzing in close orbit around its enormous ?parent planet?. Verily a true ?Little And Large ? combo, in every sense of the word!

 - Glynis Wright

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