The Diary

11 April 2006: "We're Only Making Plans For Nigel (And Jeremy, And Bryan, And.....)

?If you get a dead goose duck or swan, call?..? That?s the latest advice offered by DEFRA in the wake of last week?s snuffed-it swan bird flu panic, and we Baggies followers, being sound and rational people for the most part, should heed those wise words very carefully indeed. What else was there to witness yesterday but the final act in a classical last-ditch theatrical performance involving some waterfowl officially deemed to be on their last legs? As The Bloke In Front Of Me was constantly saying versus Liverpool: ?We just ay cowin? good enough, am we?? Seems to me that someone from our club should certainly be making that call before too long.

Having seen TV replays of both Seal Park penalty shouts earlier this evening ? and some pretty unpleasant footage of Robbo erupting like Vesuvius in full volcanic flow at the ref come the final whistle - I?m now even more firmly convinced that the man in black called it right each time. The first simply served to confirm what I?d first thought, while the second, viewed from a completely different angle to mine when it happened, made the argument against giving it nigh-on bomb-proof as far as I?m concerned. ?Ball to hand, not hand to ball? pretty much sums it up; well, for me it does, even if other Albion supporters aren?t to be satisfied quite so easily.

That?s football for you; no two groups of people in complete agreement when faced with various contentious issues affecting their side. At least I can walk away relatively unscathed; players, managers and club chairmen, on the other hand, can find their entire future career resting upon what the bloke in the middle ordains (or not) during the course of a game, be it right, wrong, or indifferent. Not surprising they react so violently when crucial decisions go against them, is it? Yet another reason for my strong suspicions that aspiring top-level whistlers get their appointments via some ?Care In The Community? scheme or other. No wonder that whenever you ask ex-pros if they?ve ever considered a belated whistling career once they?ve hung up their boots, they tend to go rather pale and ask you to mind your language!

Mind you, I didn?t half have a shock early this morning, and it?s all my fault, sad to report. The problem came about as a direct result of that awful weather we experienced during the last ten minutes of yesterday?s game, when the hail pelted down painfully ? some of those stones were knocking on for half an inch in diameter, so little wonder most Baggies were uttering variations on a general theme of ?OUCH!? by then - and the temperature plummeted dramatically. When we?d left the house, the clime had been spring-like, almost, so I hadn?t brought either gloves or scarf with me. Wrong!! By the time we got back to our car (after around a 15-minute walk from the ground), I was absolutely perished with both cold and pain, so much so, my back and limbs completely seized up, and I could only exit our vehicle after an almighty struggle.

A clear indication for an immediate dose of my strong-painkillers, right up to maximum amount, then ? and that?s precisely what I did for the remainder of the day. Pop those damn pills. The trouble was, though, even when used within the guidelines printed on the label, my little tablets do have this unfortunate tendency to make me drop off, and, just like the old Martini adverts ?Any time, any place, anywhere?. And that?s precisely what I did. Drop off. Right in front of this very same keyboard after finishing yesterday?s instalment, would you believe? When I next awoke, the sun was shining fit to burst, and after some initial confusion as to time and place, I was left feeling very silly! Oh, and some pretty ribald comment from my other half ? just in the process of getting up for work, ironically enough! ? didn?t help my temper one little bit either!

But back to our moribund football club. As I said at the start of this piece, as a Premiership club, we?re now getting to the equivalent stage of a funny rattling sound appearing in the patient?s throat, and the relatives being contacted by Sister and told to attend ASAP. We?ve had it. Time, then, to start looking towards next season, and how we?re going to rebuild the side. Note carefully that term ?rebuild?, because the vultures are starting to circle already. OK, it?s the worst kept secret in football that those football gossip pages so beloved of the tabs get it wrong far more times than they get it right, but even so, there are several consequences of relegation we know will happen for sure. For starters, we?ll lose Kanu, who has an automatic ?escape clause? written into his contract. I believe there?s another with a similar ?get-out?, but can?t for the life of me remember who it is! Oh dear, is this senility setting in already? Dammit, I?ve only been 54 for twenty-four hours!

That apart, it?s more or less taken as read we?ll be losing others, players who?ve tasted the big-time, found they can prosper in it, and, naturally enough, now want more of the same. But not with the good ship Albion. Lump into that category the likes of The Pole In Goal, The Mighty Zoltan (although his long-standing injury problems might well mitigate against an immediate move somewhere else), Watson, Davis, Robinson, perhaps ? and Greening, even. Just lately, he?s been one of our more proactive players out there on the park, and that can?t have gone unnoticed.

Bearing in mind the differing requirements of Championship football, it might behove us well to hang on to people like Nathan Ellington, who does have a decent track record at that level with Wigan. Provide him with some half-decent service for once, and we might just discover some as-yet-uncharted depths to the former Bristol Rovers lad. AJ? Yet another who knows that division like the back of his hand, of course. Russell Hoult, although a bit long in the tooth now, can also chuck in a wealth of custodial experience, a fair amount of which has also been down in the lower sphere.

Tommy Gaardsoe? He?s about halfway through his current contract right now, so I can?t see him going anywhere. Don?t forget the magnificent defensive performances he gave during our last promotion season that led to him winning the Supporters? Club?s Player Of The Year award. Surprisingly, he never quite seemed to take to The Prem in the way we?d hoped back then, but should push come to shove in May, he should be as happy as a porker in muck down there.

That?s just a few of the possible Championship ?perms? and ?coms?, then ? but that?s not all. Right now, we have out on loan several players who could do us no end of good. Forget Jason Koumas, who?s with Cardiff, of course: as far as he?s concerned, the metaphorical blanket was irretrievably split ages ago. He seems to be happy with the Welsh side, and they appear to be happy with him. Chaplow, now at Southampton? Apart from getting the strong feeling in my water we should be asking for him back pretty soon, I?ve since read via the BBC website he genuinely wants to return to the Baggies fold next season. It?s telling, though, that he should specify a possible Premiership return only, and no other, which might make things more difficult.

That?s the sort of aim we should be pursuing, then. The trouble is, though, having seen other promoted clubs crash and burn instead of us last time round, there?s no cast-iron guarantee we?ll be as lucky as we were just three seasons ago. Looking at the Championship tables, Crystal Palace, one of last term?s losers, are currently ten points in front of The Dingles, so they should be in the play-offs. No absolute guarantee they?ll win? em, though. So many variables over the course of those two or three end of season dates with destiny. Remember QPR, two seasons ago, and that early-hours fire alarm in their Cardiff hotel just before the Play-Off Final?

Certain suspicions as to its principal causes were rife at the time it happened, but, dirty trick or not, the disruption to their players? sleep proved unsettling enough to affect their chances of winning the game. Even The Dingles have proven that despite having a manager of Hoddle?s extensive experience, all garnered at both domestic and international levels running things, and some money to spend, it doesn?t necessarily guarantee you an immediate boarding pass to the Prem. In any case, come the end of term, I wouldn?t be too surprised to see him forsake the dubious delights of Dingle Town for an outfit much more upwardly-mobile.

Norwich and Southampton? The former are occupying the division?s ?comfort zone? right now, while the latter could so easily have had an unpleasant brush with even more relegation this season. Remember Forest? Ironically, they?re currently having one of their best runs in recent years right now, and only stand a couple of points short of reaching the Play-Offs. Amazing how a mid-season change of manager can completely transform a club, isn?t it? Even Leicester and Coventry, both of them top-flight clubs just a few seasons back, are now having difficulty adapting to the stark differences between the two spheres. As I said, it?s not going to be easy, and to be perfectly frank with you, if we do go down, I don?t anticipate us getting back for a fair number of years, if at all. Sorry.

Back next Friday, as per usual, with an appraisal of what we have to face at Highbury. Somehow, I don?t anticipate having to pen material predicting an Albion upset come the Saturday.

And Finally?.. So we?ve seen a Premiership game postponed through excessive rain and hail in April, have we? Given the current freakish weather, and given US president George Bush?s curious predilection for the sort of books in which strange happenings form the backdrop for a (totally-justified in the view of the author) holy war, what?s going to come next? We?ve already had a freak accident with tornadoes, so could it be showers of frogs and plagues of boils next on the fundamentalists? revelatory hit-list? And if so, would they be amenable to suggestions as to their first targets? (Oooh, if you?ve ever wondered what Molineux would look like with thousands of frogs hopping around their pitch, now?s your chance!

 - Glynis Wright

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