The Diary

24 August 2003: The Art Of Living Dangerously

At least we?ll go into that game knowing how at least one of the sides above us have fared; Reading kick-off their game early, and as happened last Saturday, I?m hoping there?ll be loads of Baggie radio listeners eager to keep us up to date with things as we sell outside the Smethwick End. I believe our other top-six chums all play on Tuesday, and, if my memory serves me well, two of ?em will be pitted in mortal combat against one another. Assuming we get the better of the Lancashire club tomorrow, a draw would be tickety-boo, methinks. One other thought; because of what?s going down at The Madjeski, tomorrow might well be one of those days I?ll miss The Fart and that radio of his not being in close proximity any more. There were many occasions during our promotion season when his frequent updates on vital games elsewhere were essential to our mental well-being. He?s now stationed outside the East Stand for selling duties, so unless some kind soul with a radio takes pity on us, we?re virtually incommunicado.

In the aftermath of our Watford win, spare a smidgen of sympathy for one of our Away Team, albeit temporary, acting and unpaid, one Norman Bartlam. It?s not that often our matchday reporter takes his life in his hands and chooses to travel with us, but yesterday, because of an unfortunate combination of circumstances, he did precisely that, and may well be regretting it today. How come? The Noise, that?s why. The last time Norm had the pleasure of his company en-route was when we went to The Reebok last season, and as I said at the time, he looked pretty shell-shocked then. Mind you, when we were imbibing pre-match cold liquids at the rear of Mac?s Bar yesterday, I did take the trouble to discreetly enquire after his mental and physical health thus far, to which Norm?s weary reply was something on the lines of, ?How the hell do you put up with THAT every away game?? Perhaps we?re well used to the ? erm ? Noise level in the Dickmobile by now, but the truth is, after around twelve years of it, we hardly notice any more. The Fart, bless his venerable soul, has the perfect escape-mechanism; he simply reaches for his radio, ?plugs in?, wriggles himself into a more comfortable position, then journeys to oblivion via those tinkly headphones. Easy when your previous experiences of communication technology revolved around heliographs, Morse keys and reels of telegraph wire on the North-West Frontier. Unfortunately for ?Im Indoors and myself, The Land Of Nod is not a viable option, so we tend to rely on an evolved auditory ?filter mechanism? instead, but the trouble with that is sometimes, we miss out on vital messages from our verbose chum, like: ?The boot?s on fire!? ?The ground?s at the next exit?, or, ?There?s a bloody police car trying to flag us down?? At least we?ll be granted a respite next Saturday; it?s Destination Derby for us, and because it?s just as easy for The Noise to travel from the Potteries as it is to come here, our chuntering chum will be making his own arrangements for once. Trouble is, just as unnerving will be the relative SILENCE!

Something I didn?t mention last night, so overwhelmed was I with our win at Watford, was the astonishing revelation on Radio Five that the West Ham side, playing at Rotherham, chose to eschew their dressing room facilities in favour of their hotel. Arrogance beyond belief, of course, and The Millers duly gave their visitors their considered opinion on the subject by emerging eventual winners. Let?s be honest about this, what West Ham did was a monumental insult to their hosts, and the subsequent claim they only partially changed at the hotel simply made it worse. To be sure, Millmoor isn?t exactly the San Siro, but they were hosting a First Division fixture (Hammers, please note the lack of the word ?Premiership? in that phrase), the London club were visitors, and wise guests don?t normally shun facilities provided by a welcoming host. Or, put another way, if I invite you to stay at my place, you don?t suddenly declare you?re going to use the toilet facilities provided by my neighbours because you deem mine inferior, do you? I can?t help but feel this one?s going to be something of an ?own goal? for The Hammers in more than one sense of the word; judging by the supporter-reactions on Alan Green?s Six-O-Six phone-in last night, the mocking derision?s going to spread around our division faster than melted butter on toast. What jumped-up dorks; this one was as good as a goal start to the home club, and I dread to think what sort of reception the London poseurs are going to get on their travels elsewhere. I can?t wait to hear of their reaction when they go to Crewe, for example. Not that Glenn Roeder will be worrying unduly; he was given his marching orders today. The blame for The Hammers? decline and fall doesn?t lie completely with him, but somebody had to serve as a sacrificial goat, I suppose. Perhaps, with a change of manager, they?ll also get a common-sense transplant, plus a reality-check as well.

And finally?.. I must say, after returning from a paint-purchasing trip to Oldbury Do-It-All this afternoon ? we had planned to visit the Sandwell urban farm as well, but that?s another story - I was surprised to see some Albionites complaining via the internet that Wolves are currently getting more coverage on ITV?s Premiership programme than we did last term. My gut reaction to that is quite simple - why moan about it? Between you, me and the gatepost, as far as I?m concerned, every time the Dingles feature on the box, it?s an invite to gather up the tissues, clear the cats out of the room, make myself comfy on the sofa with a box of something chocolatey and fattening, and settle down to a bigger giggle than anything provided by professional comics over the last ten years! It?s superb Saturday night entertainment-value; I want MORE, not less, please! If they carry on shipping goals at the present rate, they?ll soon be prime candidates for this year?s Royal Command Performance comedy slot, and I?ll be in the daily business of laundering underwear. It really should be available on the NHS, though perhaps not in Wolverhampton. On Wednesday night, more fun awaits; our dysfunctional chums encounter Man United at The Coliseum ? er, sorry ? Old Trafford, and lots of their supporters will no doubt be in the away end, and indulging in the biggest act of mass-masochism since the religious flagellants of the 14th century decided to have the ultimate in ?whip-rounds?. I?ll certainly be tuning into Sky that evening, so if you?re in search of a good laugh, why not give it a go? Unless you?ve had recent abdominal surgery, of course!

 - Glynis Wright

Contact the Author

Diary Index