The Diary

22 August 2003: Lee To Sting Hornets, Or The Noise To Deafen Norm?

Tomorrow?s matchday routine is literally going to deviate slightly to the Norm, not away from it. How come? Instead of us Dick Eds going to Vicarage Road four strong, our Away Team?s going to be augmented by one ? erm ? Norm. Bartlam, I mean, intrepid GD matchday correspondent, and creator of some truly awful puns. The reason? Those Bank Holiday rail ?improvement? works, that?s what. Poor old Norm didn?t realise until the other day that those line closures would be so extensive over the weekend, hence that frantic phone call from him earlier tonight. I just hope he realises precisely what he?s letting himself in for in the ear-bleeding stakes; I recall our bespectacled friend accompanying us to Bolton last season, and on arrival, our little mate?s desperate pleading for some headache pills, the principal cause of the malady being none other than our loquacious Mr. Lewis, bless his friction-burned lips. Last time, Norm?s plight was slightly ameliorated by the fact The Noise joined our happy band at Stoke, roughly halfway; this time, there?s no such respite. He?ll have the dubious pleasure of Martin?s verbose observations on life?s peculiarities for the whole journey. Knowing our co-editor?s volubility track-record as well as I do, I suspect poor Norm will be a broken man come the end of the day.

So, what?s likely to happen tomorrow? Well, of one thing I?m sure; Watford are no mugs, as they demonstrated so successfully last term. They?re currently third from bottom, but that may be a false position, as they had their opener postponed because of the tragic death of Jimmy Davies. They still retain a fair few players from their Prem days; their midfielder, Neil Ardley, faces a late fitness test, but Jason Norville, who has an ankle injury, will definitely be out. It?s hard to say right now as to whether Danny Webber will be in their strikeforce tomorrow; the E and S report that he took the death of Davies rather badly, and it could well be touch and go as to whether he turns out for them tomorrow. As for last season?s perpetrator of the damage, Heidar Helgusson, it looks as though he?ll be in the opening line-up for The Hornets tomorrow, worse luck.

Mention of that wrecker of cup dreams brings me to my assessment of our lot?s chances. After last season?s pusillanimous Vicarage Road display, there?s a groundswell of opinion amongst Baggies that our finest owe us one big-time tomorrow; come to think about it, I don?t suppose they have fond memories of the game either, and I would expect the survivors of that clash to be more than eager to expunge the shame of that ignominious exit from the psychological record. The main poser for our manager tomorrow is whether or not to include Hughsie in the starting line-up; after that late-doors two-goal demolition of Burnley, it?s going to be awfully difficult to justify leaving the guy out. Presumably, if included, he?ll partner Hulse. Deech, being fine in the air, but limited on the ground, will probably be on the bench, as will young Dobes. For Lee?s part, ever since the pre-season friendlies, he?s been looking more fired-up than I?ve seen him for ages. Personally, if it were left to me, I?d have him on from the word ?go?; when Lee gets one of those moods on him, he plays as if impelled by something demonic, and having something to prove at the moment, it?s going to take a nuclear strike to stop him.

At the back, I suspect the Dear Leader?s going to stick with what did the biz last Saturday; sure, a footsore Greegs is mended once more (trust Albion to once more corner the market in the ?unlikely accident? stakes, wasn?t it a traffic-cone that felled Del Boy last term?) but you can?t beat continuity in a winning side, so I?m not going to quibble. No joy for Siggy, though; he?s still nursing a ?bad back? from the Walsall game. Mind you, so is the Dingles? keeper, from last week?s Blackburn game, but for an entirely different reason! Whisper it quietly, but I?m pretty confident we?ll get something from tomorrow?s outing, and just to demonstrate, I?m putting my (metaphorical) money where my mouth is by predicting a 2-1 win. Yes, I know, I got it disastrously wrong on the opening day, but over the last couple of games, I?ve seen some pretty hopeful signs our new signings are finally beginning to gel. Now it?s settling down, the Sakiri-Koumas combo is promising much for the future, and defensively, we have yet to factor into the equation Big Dave and that ginormous noddle of his. Once recovered from injury, judging from past form, he?ll be as good as a new signing for us - providing he can get his place back, of course. Oh ? and within a few days, we should hear the outcome of Big Bertha?s passport application; according to the club, all the other problems ? international clearance, medical et.al. - have been sorted, so once the French government gives our lad the definite ?Oui!?, he?ll be available for immediate selection, with no more bureaucratic hurdles left to overcome.

Interestingly, there will be some tickets available on the door at Vicarage Road tomorrow, so if anyone out there wants to go, but thinks they?ve left it too late ? it ain?t necessarily so! Just remember what I said at the start of this piece, though ? the railways are a definite ?no-no?, and it?s best to go by car to this one. I noticed earlier in the week that Baggies Travel are nigh-on fully booked, so the signs auger well for a massive ?boing!? in the away end tomorrow, should we take the lead. Talking of goalscoring, according to the official website, amazingly, some bookie or another has Lee 40-1 to score the only goal of the game. Blimey - didn?t they learn from that superb Richard Sneekes effort at Leicester five or six seasons ago? My principal memory of the game centres around that goal, not because of its brilliance ? it was a stonker of a strike, but that?s not the issue at stake here ? but for the plethora of betting slips that were being waved by jubilant Baggies all around the ground. Those gentlemen of the turf, you see, had our Rapunzel-haired Dutchman at unbelievably-uninformed odds of 12-1 to score ? despite the fact he?d netted for us the previous six or so games! It?s not often you see these people taken to the cleaners, but it sure as hell was fun seeing it happen at Filbert Street.

And finally?. One. I?ve now solved the mystery of the ? ?orrible fate? that befell our finest after those 1979 successive four-goal victories. It transpired that cryptic message emanated not from Dave Watkin, but from the pen of our very own webmaster, Finbarr Saunders. I know not how it happened, but his words became inextricably intertwined with those of our resident statistics machine, so I wrongly attributed that bit to Dave. Just in case you were wondering, the ?bad news? was our subsequent 2-1 away defeat, at the hands of Derby, nothing more, nothing less. And here was me thinking the entire first-team squad had been kidnapped by rampant Lower Gornal religious fundamentalists, or something. There just remains one issue to clear up; now I?ve finally solved the mystery for once and for all, is it OK if I come round your house tonight, Finn, and sort out your grundling trunnions instead?

Two?. My small great-nephew, Ethan, might be only two-and-a-bit, but even at his tender age, he can already count to twenty, knows all his colours, but more importantly, he can?t half ?Boing?! Oh ? and he hates Dingles as well. That?s my boy!

 - Glynis Wright

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