The Diary

26 February 2006: Here Come The Smog-Monsters - So Mind My Aching Back!

Welcome to my Albion world, once more ? and what a painfully-truncated version I?m going to have to fling in your direction tonight, sadly. It?s my bloody back that?s the problem again, a formerly low-key sort of niggly nuisance that gradually intensified last night, resulting in this column being brought to you courtesy of some very strong pain-killers indeed (Could I get them to sponsor me, I wonder?) this time round. As the ultimate aim of the game is to get me into a sufficiently-fit enough state to actually watch tomorrow afternoon?s game versus Boro in relative comfort, you might want to see it as a trade-off of sorts. Well, that?s what I keep telling myself, and if I keep on bleeding my own ears for long enough, I?ll eventually believe it, so there.

Today?s results were a bit of a mixed bag, really, weren?t they? On the one hand, Chelski finally got their very own version of the Cossack Dance above first gear, putting two away at Pompey?s expense, but very late on in the game for them. There were times when I?d thought their mini-slump would continue ? but normal service was resumed, eventually, so at least The West London Tsar will see his very own answer to The Borg go steamrollering on. Great if you happen to be a Chelski supporter, of course, but not so great if you, like me, don?t want to see our top league gradually become a miniature version of its Scottish counterpart.

Blues and Sunderland? Much as I?d expected, really; yes, the visitors did have a bit of a go at it by all accounts, but as we all know by now, it?s only hopeless mugs like West Bromwich Albion that squanders precious home points like sailors on shore-leave piddling their back-pay against some the walls of some dockside tavern or other, and not the Premiership?s now-third-from-bottom club, so no joy there, sadly. Bottom line is, we?ve just got to restore that six-point cushion by well and truly consigning Boro to the deep tomorrow afternoon. They do have the small cushion of a two-point lead to protect; that, plus a clear Premiership place above us. Defeat at our hands would land them well and truly in the doo-doo, good FA Cup run or not. Getting as far as The Millennium Stadium?s no good whatsoever if the end result is you?re going to take the drop anyway, irrespective of whatever happens there.

There may be one additional major factor to take into account come the Sabbath, though. Boro, hopefully, should be really knackered by now. Having to play two extra European games when we?ve had absolutely sod-all in the way of fixtures to honour (but excess nocturnal energy aplenty to run off in Dubai, by all accounts), plus having to think ahead about an FA Cup 6th Round tie next week, might prove just enough to make all the difference between three precious Premiership points for us and ?nul points? for them. Well, that?s how those naughty Eurovision Song Contest judges used to term it, back in the halcyon days when an ?energy crisis? mainly involved Dad?s extreme reluctance to get off his backside and fetch in some more coal for the living-room fire, and Margaret Thatcher was merely the milk-monitor. The pressure?s certainly going to be on as a consequence of that Blues result reducing our safety margin to just three ? come on, you didn?t seriously think The Mackems were going to actually beat them, did you? ? so we?ll need all guns in perfect firing order tomorrow, then, won?t we?

By that I mean Kanu and Joe Kamara, now returned from their African Nations Cup jollities, of course ? and hopefully slavering at the very leash to get tore into them awful Smog Monsters good and proper. Apparently, it seems as though Kanu and Kev Campbell are going to make the start, with Joe going wide. That bit of good news will be augmented further by the return of Paul Robinson from suspension, thank goodness. Of The Mighty Zoltan and Steve Watson there is naught further to report, both seemingly well ?under the doctor?, still. But at least our absentee list is now minimal, comparatively speaking.

Boro? Both old Albion mucker Ugo Ehiogu ? now a grand old man of 33, would you believe? - and Danny Graham have declared themselves well and truly fit for this one. Ugo may have to sit it out, though, as Chris Riggott, our (very!) distant relation by marriage, ironically enough, is now declared fit to return to full first team duties, along with Gareth Southgate. Even more ironic, though, that just a few short weeks before, it was looking very much as though former Albion YTS kid Ugo (subsequently nicked from right under our very noses by a certain bunch of performing seals not a million miles away from our place, you might recall) might have ended the current season wearing the holy stripes once more!

According to today?s Daily Mirror, so advanced were the talks at that time, Ugo had actually gone as far as having his furniture moved to the Midlands and getting his house put up for sale, when Boro?s manager, Steve McClaren, in dramatic scenes highly-reminiscent of condemned men beating the gallows at the very same moment the hangman?s noose was scheduled to do its deadly work, recalled him to their first team (and back into favour once more) because of an impending serious injury problem among the Smog Monsters.

Or was it just air pollution taking its toll on the Riverside Stadium regulars? Honestly, the things ICI throw out of those massive chimneys of theirs these days! One really deep breath, and in one fell swoop, you have just about every element known to the Periodic Table (and probably a lot more we still remain in blissful ignorance of!) well and truly embedded in your lungs! Amazing, isn?t it? Mind you, should Boro eventually succumb to Mother Gravity?s relentless downwards tug, and we stay smugly in orbit, it?s not beyond the bounds of possibility we might yet see him doing precisely that. Moving to the West Midlands, I mean, not sampling the local pollution.

The man in the middle, the so-called ?wotsit in black? for this one is a certain Mike Dean, apparently. Not a name I?m at all familiar with, to be quite honest, a state of affairs that can only auger well for us; it?s when names and faces begin to get associated with moments of crass stupidity interspersed with very little in the way of common-sense that I start to get alarm-bells clamouring loudly in my head. Funny place to leave a clock that size, mind ? forget my head if it were loose, me?. I really must have a word with my GP about it the very next time I visit his surgery!

And finally?.. Seen the Forest result today, anyone? For the benefit of those who didn?t, they went and hammered poor Swindon Town by a massively-stonking seven-goal margin earlier today, with one only coming from the beleaguered West Country side by way of reply. Now, remind me, do - what is it they say about ?a picture painting a thousand words?? And that is my absolute final word on the subject, I promise.

 - Glynis Wright

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