The Diary

07 January 2006: Bunfight At The Railway Corral!

Greetings, pop-pickers. Just got back from my sister?s 60th birthday/retirement ?do? at The Railway Inn near Oldbury ? think ?Shameless?, but without all the drugs, plus a smidgen less of the dodgy ?fallen off lorries? stuff flogged in some downmarket pubs, and you?ve got a pretty good idea of what it was like ? only to discover we?d got a largish chunk of real-life drama happening right on our own front doorstep. Plods, fire-engines, the lot, and the main road blocked, off, too. That meant a small diversion around the side streets ? infuriatingly so, as our house was just yards inside the ?exclusion zone? ? and once we?d parked up, natural curiosity meant we simply had to find out for ourselves what was going on. The truth wasn?t too difficult to ascertain, though; just outside our newsagent?s, a matter of yards from the corner of our road, a police van had run into the back of a car, the sheer force of the impact reducing the van?s bonnet to a complete and utter tangled mess of twisted scrap metal. The fire-engine was there, presumably, to extricate someone, or several ?someones?, from the wreckage. No ambulances, as yet ? unless the unfortunate occupants had already been removed prior to our arrival. By the amount of water dribbling out of one fire engine, I really hated to think too deeply as to why they?d had to use the stuff in the first place - and if you?ve got any sense, you won?t dwell upon the subject for too long either.

I daresay I?ll get the complete chapter and verse from our friendly local paper-chappie tomorrow morning, but right now, I can only assume that the police van ? one carrying dogs, apparently ? had been responding at high speed to some emergency call or another, and the accident happened as a result. Well, either that, or the van was actually in the process of chasing the car it ran into; it?s got to be one or the other, and much will be revealed ere the cold light of day has once more dawned upon an icy Bearwood High Street.

A shame this had to put a little bit of a damper upon the night?s festivities, really; tonight was the night when some 27 members of my large family descended mob-handed upon the Railway Inn to let their hair down a little, then stuff themselves to death with a three-course meal. Wonderful stuff, including discovering the real reason why my pregnant niece, although living nearer Wolverhampton than Walsall, recently elected to give birth at Walsall Manor Hospital instead. When given the option by the medical staff, she told the totally-bewildered junior doctor taking her case notes that there was no chuffin? way her baby was going to have a ?Dingles? place of birth on its documentation!

As few medical staff these days happen to be versed in the subtle nuances of Black Country ways ? footballing traditions and preferences included; what those American-imported ?Doctor?s Aides? currently working in the Tipton area think of it all, God alone knows. It?s not the sort of training they give you at most medical schools, sadly ? in our Donna?s case, the whole thing crashed and burned, until it was all subsequently explained to the poor bemused medic in words of one syllable.

Got something alternative arranged in your diaries for Fourth Round day, then? Yes, it?s that time of year when any Albion-lover worth their salt just knows what?ll happen ? and without any psychic aids whatsoever, too. Sadly, though, it?s also been a time when our football club saw us coming from miles away ? or thought they did ? and it doesn?t half appear to have rebounded on ?em.

Remember the business about booking Reading tickets on-line, the issue I raised via this same column about a couple of weeks ago? The unnecessary ?1 so-called ?convenience fee? Albion imposed on their punters? Well apparently, once on-line potential customers clocked what they were being asked to stump up, they simply shifted their efforts to the Ticket Office instead, most, of not all of ?em trying to book that way instead. Result? Yep, the ticket office phone lines were absolutely inundated, hence the thread on the Boing list this week about people not being able to book that way and complaining mightily about it. Oh ? and are people aware that the longer they?re kept hanging on the phone, the more dosh goes into the coffers of our football club? Those phone calls cost the caller 7.5p per minute, just in case you didn?t already know.

I?m given to understand it?s been quite an ordeal for the ticket office staff also; they?ve had to put up with all the usual guff people get from annoyed and frustrated potential purchasers, so all in all, this game ? or, rather, the run-up to it - hasn?t exactly been one of the club?s finest moments. And serve them jolly well right, too. Whichever bright business brain drummed this one up in the first place, did it never occur to them that in the so-called harsh world of the free market, to encourage the practice, thereby saving on labour costs, those offering goods and/or services for sale via the net tend to offer something called a DISCOUNT for people wanting to book on line? Airlines, coach operators ? you name it, they do it. This month, ?Im Indoors is ordering a new mobile phone (?10 less if ordered on line) and renewing our house insurance (5% to 15% cheaper on line). Small concessions, true, but tangible savings all the same. Do try and keep up with the flow, chaps!

So what?s going to be the end result of our labours tomorrow, then? I sincerely hope I?m wrong, but I really do have a gut feeling this one will have gone disastrously pear-shaped come five to five Saturday evening. As far as the important news is concerned, it looks very much as though we?ll have both Ronnie Wallwork and Inamoto fit and raring to go for this one, which helps. There?s also talk The Mighty Zoltan will be back in the squad ? let?s hope that niggly groin injury of his has properly cleared up this time ? but we will be missing Clem (head injury) and Tommy Gaardsoe, still struggling with a dodgy hamstring, apparently. Plus Joe Kamara, who has already emulated lots of migratory birds by belatedly flying to sunny Africa. As for Kanu, unless something is agreed with the Nigerian FA, and soon, this will be his last appearance for us for some time. Can it really be right that Big Dave will be performing at the heart of our defence tomorrow, along with Curtis Davies? Why not Albrechtsen?

As far as our high-flying opponents are concerned, their gaffer, Steve Coppell, has a depressingly-large number of players just back from injury, including Bobby Convey, Dave Kitson, Glen Little and Shane Long. Annoyingly, formerly-injured striker Leroy Lita, who has been in fine form for Reading of late, will be returning to full duty tomorrow. Talking about Kitson, both he and Steve Sidwell are reputedly two of the best players you?ll see outside the Premiership. For this one, Kitson will very probably be partnering up front a lad called Kevin Doyle. As I understand it, the pair of them, in combination, are absolute dynamite. Eek! Glen Little has also pretty much made a name for himself since arriving at The Madjeski Stadium from Burnley in the summer. It says a lot about their chairman when he goes and names the place after himself; just like Deadly Doug, and that wretched stand in Seal Park, I suppose! As far as their away support goes, the visitors have sold every single one of their 2,800 ticket allocation, so they won?t be all that short of vocal encouragement tomorrow. The result? Unless I?m hopelessly wrong on this ? and I do sincerely hope so ? I can visualise an almighty banana-skin looming large. Sorry, and all that, but that?s genuinely the way I see it going.

Enough of such depressive twaddle, and on to the other little bit I promised earlier in the week ? a few notes from another Albion-Reading FA Cup encounter, this time one dating from 1948. It must have been at the same stage in the competition also, as this was played in the January of that year. The final score? Albion 2, Reading 0. but getting through that tie wasn?t all that easy for The Baggies. The problem was they simply couldn?t muster up enough decent players to make a ?proper? side. The reason? Well, none given as such, but it has to be remembered that around that time, a lot of players were being taken by the Army, who got their icy clutches on most male youths the moment they turned 18. In fact, on another memorable occasion in the fifties, a certain Don Howe, then doing his National Service time at Donington (there used to be a huge Army stores there, so I can only assume he was in the then-Royal Army Service Corps, or similar) couldn?t get leave to play one weekend, so he had to go AWOL ? and really got it in the neck when he finally went back, according to accounts at the time. The Army suffers a complete and utter sense-of-humour failure when it comes to flitting squaddies, footballers or otherwise. Don?t they, Mister Fart?

But I digress. For whatever reason, Albion were in a right old mess regarding available bodies, so what they did instead was excavate an audit clerk resident in Oxford, working for their borough council Treasurers Department, of all places, to fill at least one position. Denis Gordon was his name, age 23, and he, along with two more Baggies played out of position, held the fort just enough for the lads in the stripes to triumph come the end of the game. Unsurprisingly, it wasn?t exactly a classical Albion game; both defences featured heavily, but our lot must have done just enough to outwit theirs and progress to the next round.

We now consider in the following paragraphs stories concerning various transfer-related rumours, likely or unlikely, springing up in the wake of the opening of the transfer window. First off? Steve Bruce is looking to ease his injury worries by bringing West Brom midfielder Darren Carter back to St. Andrews for a cut price ?750K. Loved this one, though; apparently, some leetle teenker frequenting a different Albion-related message-board sent this one to the ?Rumours? website to see if they would bite ? and they did!

Some of the rest? (And please remember I?ve absolutely no idea as to what?s on the level and what?s simply a load of utter sphericals!) West Brom are set to sign Hull City's Craig Fagan (who wants to return to his native Midlands) and make a surprising ?2m bid for Kevin Doyle of Reading. Robert Earnshaw is likely to fetch ?2.5m and Geoff Horsfield will used as bait for Fagan.

Rob Earnshaw (but see below!) has had talks with Robson and will join Everton for ?3m. Bent will come the other way for ?2m. It?s also rumoured Martin Keown has also been at the Hawthorns, and there?s the possibility of a 6 month contract to help as defensive cover. Someone?s cousin knows a director at the Wolves who told him that Joleon Lescott is on his way to West Brom in exchange for Jason Koumas, and Robbie Earnshaw. Wolves value Lescott at ?5m, and West Brom have placed a value of ?2.2m on Koumas and ?2.3m on Earnshaw. Wolves are prepared to accept a swap deal with no money changing hands. Albion manager Robson allegedly thinks that Lescott and Curtis Davis can provide Albion with one of the best central defence partnerships in the Premiership, and feels that in the future both could be England regulars. I?ve also seen more about Ugo and Albion, but it would appear that this one might have more going for it than the rest.

And, talking about our very own mystery wrapped within an enigma, here?s some more about that gentleman. Apparently, Robbo recently gave Robert Earnshaw a DVD (presumably, one put together with the help of the ?Prozone? system, which most managers at our level use to assess the precise strengths and weaknesses of their squad players) highlighting what precise aspects of Earnie?s game needed to be improved for him to become an established Premiership player. It?s not the first time, though; according to the account I read, Robson employed the same methods earlier in the season with Junichi Inamoto; the Japanese star took his suggestions on board, and is now a valuable component part of the side. The problem is basically that Earnie, who has had two transfer requests rejected in the past month by Robson, is a proven goalscorer and was on target 14 times in his first season with Albion, but somehow can?t seem to do the biz this time round.

Unsurprisingly, Robson feels other aspects of Earnshaw's game such as his link-up play need to get better if he wants to play regular top-flight football. Robson said: "We know that when Earnie gets chances, he is probably our best finisher but he has got to improve other aspects of his game which contribute to the team???..We did the same with Inamoto and he has added the defensive qualities that a central midfield player needs as part of his game. Earnie has got a similar DVD to the one we gave 'Ina'. It is about things like hold-up play and the timing of his runs which, for me, is what Earnie needs to add to his game to be a Premiership player?.? One thing I simply refuse to believe, though; according to our gaffer, there have been no enquiries for him. Let?s hope this works, then ? with Earnie, his current problem is a bit like owning a car you know can do 0-60 in no time flat, but isn?t, and what?s more, it?s proving dead difficult to find out the real reason why.

And finally?. One. This one?s from Sauce, bless his sulphurous little vocal chords, and it?s my equivalent of a ?public service announcement?. Sauce tells me that for the away game at Charlton later this month, he will be running an early coach down to London for any travelling Baggie that wants to make a day of it, taking in a visit to the 'Albion Pub' in Bethnal Green. He?ll be picking up in Cradley Heath, Dudley, Tipton, Great Bridge, and leaving West Bromwich at 11-00 am. Check with the man himself for more precise pick-up times at those intermediate points mentioned above. Sauce reckons he?ll be arriving in London at around 1-30pm. The coach will drop off at the Albion Pub, and pick up again at approx 5-00pm The price? Adults ?15, Under 16s ?10. Bookings can be made/more details provided on the usual contact number - 07790 396 316. Don?t wait until it?s too late ? get those fingers a-tappin? them digits NOW!

Two. ?From all those operations, one of our radios was listed as missing?. No, not an Alvar Lidell wartime BBC announcement concerning even more RAF bombing raids against the dastardly Hun, just the current state of play regarding The Fart?s blasted radio! Remember when the pair of us boldly went to Old Trafford on Boxing Day? Well, after we?d both alighted back in West Bromwich, the driver found a stray tranny radio, one in close proximity to the seats we?d both occupied, in fact. Having the wretched thing in her possession by then, the steward that day, Pat Layton, got in touch with me, but remembering the fact that when we went to Liverpool the other day, The Fart had a tranny in his hot little hand, we told the lady we didn?t think it was The Fart?s property, and left it at that.

As I said to Pat by email at the time: ?Unless The Fart keeps another stashed away in that Tardis-like bag he currently owns, for precisely that eventuality, I don't think he's the person you're looking for. Over the course of the many years I've known both El Tel and that wretched receptacle of his, I've seen some quite amazing things emerge from it, sometimes - matching set of candelabra, three-piece suite, a stray black hole or three looking for a solar system to swallow up, even - but nary a spare 'tranny???...?

Wrong, wrong, and dead wrong, yesterday, Pat sent me yet another mail to say that since then, she had spoken to The Fart personally ? and guess what? Yep ? right first time, and yes, it?s his. We?ve now arranged a ?prisoner exchange? for the day of the Wigan game. Both of us are going ? who was it said ?Bloody masochists!? just now? Come outside and say that, you scurrilous swine! ? so hopefully, our well-matured Baggie chum will get his pride and joy back to the loving warmth of his bosom (ooer, Missus!) well before we finally set off in convoy for The Frozen North. Needless to say, when he does get his lost property back, I?ll be tying it around his neck, and with a bloody great reef-knot, as well, to ensure it doesn?t go astray again!

 - Glynis Wright

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