The Diary

19 December 2005: Reading Tickets - A Word For The Wise.

Oh dear. What an absolute bummer of a weekend ? and not purely for the poor sods that made the tediously-long trek to Pompey and back yesterday, either. My first item is of general concern to those who normally choose to buy their match tickets via the wonder of email. Looking to make a ?block-booking? for we two, The Fart, The Noise, plus sundry other Baggies having the ?pleasure? of knowing us well, we checked out what was happening on-line for the Reading game ? and discovered that our wonderful football club had seemingly decided to embark on a rather nasty catchpenny stunt. Yes, you can book electronically for this game, and I?m sure the club will be absolutely delighted if supporters do elect to sort out their ticketing requirements in that way, but those of you who haven?t plumped yet for an optimum method of payment, please be aware of the following financial health warning.

It now appears ? and if I have got the wrong end of the stick, I?d be highly delighted if the club were to advise me of the error of my ways so as to put on-line a correction ASAP ? if you want to book for our home FA Cup tryst with the Championship high-flyers on-line, you have to pay a shiny pound extra for the privilege thereof. And not just a pound per transaction either, Baggie people, it?s a stonking pound per person wanting the ticket. Which means anyone wanting to order four, say, electronically, the whole shebang will cost an extra four quid; gilding the lily a bit to call this monstrous rip off a ?convenience fee?, is it not?

Not only that, if one or more of your party ? children, pensioners, whatever - are entitled to concessions, the fee is still a quid per punter, a sad state of affairs that would seem to completely nullify any monetary gains made by having the concession in the first place. The way the scheme currently works, the only people to derive real benefit from this nasty little trick are the football club themselves, who stand to make a tidy little sum should a substantial number of people not be able to go to the ticket office in person ? work commitments etc. can make this difficult during normal trading hours ? and they really should be ashamed of themselves for even considering the idea in the first place, never mind actually putting it into practice.

Yes, I?ve heard the counter-argument ad nauseam: that such charges are bog-standard in other spheres of the so-called ?entertainment industry? ? pop, opera, West End musicals, that sort of thing, and yes, it?s perfectly true ? but there is one fundamental difference, and it?s this. When you book for a show etc. some of the ticket processing work is performed by human beings, who have to be paid for doing the necessary leg-work e.g. if you pay up front, and ask if you can collect on the night, the theatre concerned has to employ someone to hand out all those little bits of cardboard to their intended recipients prior to the performance. In those circumstances, yes, it?s still a monumental cheek, but I can see at least some justification for agencies wanting to work it that way.

With Albion, though, it?s totally different; when you book for a game on-line, and you already have a stilecard, everything is done electronically. Microscopic bits of silicon do all the hard yakka of telling your stilecard you are a legit customer when it?s produced at the turnstile on the day of the game, and there?s no human involvement whatsoever ? so why this swingeing charge? Even calling this rip-off a ?convenience fee? is a shameless distortion of the Queen?s English; if you have several people to cater for, it makes far more sense to attend the ticket office in person, a highly-inconvenient undertaking if you can?t spare the time off work, thereby completely negating the reason why Albion?s booking system was set up to operate this way in the first place.

Oh ? and yet another thought before I finally pull up my tent and trek to another oasis. Remember when the club first sold the idea of stilecards to us? ?No need to bother with the postal system when making applications for tickets ? or the ticket office either, once it?s up and running?.?they said, ?You?ll be able to book on-line, no problem?.? To those Baggies ? exiles, those working peculiar hours or distantly, and so forth - the ability to purchase via the almighty silicon chip represented a significant advance on what had been in place previously, so people?s minds remained totally focussed upon the benefits, rather than any prospective snags.

It?s at this point I can lay claim to a bitsy vested interest, however tenuous or distant. I can remember only too well my own desperate struggles to acquire tickets for big games when working near Bristol during the late seventies and all of the eighties, and that in spite of being a season-ticket holder for more years than I currently care to remember, so the advent of such a concept the season we first went up must have seemed like manna from heaven ? or Bill Gates, should you want to get all pedantic on me - for some at the time. In retrospect, that claim now looks a tad silly, because it?s precisely because the club will be trying to make easy money at our expense we?ll all be trotting off to the ticket office instead. Or I will, more like. Dearie dearie me.

And so to other matters. Correct me if I?m wrong on this, all you techie-freaks out there, but didn?t someone a few years ago prove conclusively there really was such a thing as Sod?s Law? The reason I ask will be come increasingly apparent as my tale proceeds, because its classical definition ? ?If something CAN go wrong, it sure as hell will.? ? certainly held sway in the Wright household over the course of the weekend just gone.

Yesterday, I told you of the vexing problems we had with our ?throne?, and my radical solution to the mounting crisis, which ? hope you?ve got strong stomachs, y?all ? involved judicious use of both a brickie?s trowel, and a couple of Sainsburys? plastic bags in combination. But that wasn?t all, sadly. That same day, the ignition system for our gas fire chose that precise moment to go on the blink also. Well, not so much ?go on the blink? as greatly exacerbate a pre-existing problem, viz: the really naff battery-operated thingy, with bare leads snaking this way and that; it was while replacing the battery we inadvertently pulled out one of the blasted things, a situation that necessitated the swift attendance of our remarkable rellie, ?Norm?.

He really is a gem, that man. Not only is he my mother in law?s ?significant other?, he?s been, at various times in his busy life, a senor Army NCO, Army Cadet Corps commander, a gas fitter, builder, brickie, plumber, plus, seasonal only, Town Crier and Santa ? oh, and he cooks a pretty mean Christmas dinner, too! A very handy bloke to have in your family, which was why we spent a few poignant minutes relating our various woes to him yesterday. Oh ? and it was bloody cold, too: why is it these things never happen when the mercury is lodged at a much more congenial level? Any road up, the toilet I sorted out for myself, but the ignition ?yer man? rectified today, and total warmth and joy now radiates forth in the Wright household once more! Just as well, really, as the drastic drop in our living-room temperature caused me to ?seize up?, more or less, despite my chucking on a few extra layers for good luck.

But back to our (not so, see above!) favourite football club, and yesterday?s somewhat disappointing away performance. Having now read in quantity what the media had to say about yesterday?s game, it sure looks as though the Fart?s summary yesterday was absolutely spot-on. Even Robbo declared, in his post-match love-in with the press, that neither side deserved to win this one. One statement in particular from our manager did puzzle me, though. "Our wide players, Jonathan Greening and Diomansy Kamara, never really threatened their full-backs so we didn't really put Portsmouth on the back foot either." Strange, that, because according to Sky, Pompey spent the whole of the last ten minutes defending ever-deeper, and looking more and more like they were about to be overwhelmed at any minute! So who got it right, then? Robbo, or Murdoch?s lackeys?

What does worry me, though, is our continuing inability to find the back of the net away from home. Or grab at least one three-pointer. With no less than six pretty classy strikers on the go ? well, five, if you take Gera out of the equation - this simply should not happen. If we are serious about avoiding falling into the same mess as we did last season, this has to be something we sort our for once and for all, and very soon. Come January, we?ll be losing the twin services of Kanu and Kamara, and although we should be gaining with the return of a now-fit Zoltan, their loss could mean the supply of goals drying up even more. Will our leader be looking out for a loan signing in the New Year Sales, I wonder? One thing?s certain; even given the complete and utter ineptitude of poor Sunderland this term, there?s absolutely no chance we?ll get away with a mid-thirties end-of-season points total this time round, so the sooner the problem?s finally sorted, the better.

Mind you, we do seem to be in much better overall shape than we were this time last year. A fair number of points ahead of the game, too, but it has to be borne in mind also that we need to notch up forty points or better come the end of the season. Seventeen games gone, sixteen points: won 4, drawn 4, lost 9, which leaves us with at least 24 remaining in as-yet-undiscovered holes and corners. That?s precisely why I found yesterday?s events so disappointing. The bottom line is simple; as the gulf between the top and bottom of the Prem is still nigh-on unbridgeable, and even mid-table sides can turn it on as and when their whim fancies, the only logical place to search for any such stray crumbs from the master?s table is from within our own peer-group. I?ve said it before, but that bottom third group comprises a mini-league all of its very own, and our aim should be to end the season topping it, or getting as near as fortune will reasonably allow.

Leaving Sunderland out of the equation for a moment ? to be perfectly honest, it would take the cancellation of the entire Premiership programme through war to prevent them dropping this time, poor sods - Steve Bruce?s plight might seem highly amusing right now, but it has to be remembered he does have considerable financial mazooma at his disposal, still; should The Golds and the Sullivans elect to splash the cash post-mistletoe and turkey, provided they?re sensible, and don?t panic, they?ll be in a perfect position to wriggle right out of it. Now ?Arry?s back at Fratton Park, of course, I can see Pompey doing similar also, although it might well be through them having to rely on Redknapp?s considerable expertise at this level to do so; if truth were known, they?re about as cash-strapped as we are.

As for those in our immediate vicinity, with Everton, despite the almighty creaming they had yesterday at the hands of Bolton (incidentally, had someone told me 17 or so years ago that an unremarkable journeyman Albion player by the name of Sam Allardyce would go on to become one of the best managers in the country, and not only that, get tipped as a possible future contender for the England job as well, I?d have probably succumbed to terminal hysterical laughter on the spot), they have managed to haul themselves off the ropes of late, so it could go either way with them. Then again, they do have considerable debts hanging around their scrawny Scouse necks, still, a highly-lamentable state of affairs that just might force someone into taking pity on them, eventually, but personally, my money would be on them wriggling out of it, although later rather than sooner.

Fulham? Villa? In both cases, an awful lot will depend upon their respective owners, and how much they?re prepared to stump up to fix the gaping hole. I do detect a slight waning of interest on the part of the Phoney Pharaoh of late, but with Deadly Doug, it?s all a matter of local pride, I suspect. Mind you, I would have given anything you care to mention to have been in that 1959 Hawthorns crowd the day we actually relegated Villa, and with a very late goal, too, coming at the end of the very last game of that season. The Fart was present on that magical April day, and last season, when relating the story en-route to some away destination or other, he didn?t half get this column oozing jealousy from every pore. If that were me, I?d still be celebrating long after the falling of the autumn leaves, never mind the final whistle. Still, you can?t help but wish, this time round, and very hard, too!

And Finally?.. One. I shall be going to Old Trafford come Boxing Day, in the venerable company of The Fart, which means I will be ?producing? later this week. What day I?m going to aim for, I haven?t quite decided, so watch this space. Of one thing I?m sure, though, I?m not going to be typing away come Christmas night, not if I can help it, that is. And just in case I neglect to say it next time round, everyone out there reading this, have a lovely Christmas, and a peaceful and prosperous New Year.

Two. Next Thursday sees the date of my sister?s retirement from work, and there will be, I'm reliably informed, a presentation from one (or several) of her gaffers when the time comes. Remarkable, really, especially when you come to consider that ever since she took the job, dearest Josephine has been involved in more ?heated discussions? with management that I care to remember. Just think ? Shaun Flynn? but only four foot ten or so high, and with a mouth the size of the Mersey Tunnel, you?ll get the general picture; my sis realy could start an argument in an empty room! But then I pondered slightly more deeply ? and the real reason for the ceremony became immediately apparent. It?s their way of celebrating the fact that as from that day forth, she?ll be off the payroll for good! Oh ? and one other thought. God help the West Midlands bus driver who tries to tell her she?s getting on the bus twerly* for senior travel concession purposes. Eeeek!

*As per the constant lament heard issuing forth from the mouths of pensioners boarding Travel WM buses around half-nine in the morning, the time when pensioners? free travel passes first become valid: ?Am I too early (?twerly?, plural ?twerlies? i.e. a whole mob of the buggers)??

 - Glynis Wright

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