The Diary

17 December 2005: Festive Cheer At Pompey Tomorrow?

?Christmas is a-coming, the goose is getting fat?..? Well, that?s how the ancient rhyme puts it, so with barely seven days to go before the Big Day, my two sisters and attendant ?other halves? revealed their joint pressie to the pair of us. ?You?ll have to come over our house to pick it up, mind,? warned Wendy, last week. ?It?s too bloody big to carry, for a start?.?

Well, that, if nothing else, got our curiosity running totally rampant over the course of the intervening seven days, but tonight, all was revealed, at long last. Both Big Sis and Hubby were grinning like maniacs when we called to collect it ? and now we?ve got it, I can see the reason for their massive outbreak of seasonal glee; the Object In Question is a garden ornament, about two and a half feet high, but dressed in an Albion home strip, carrying a ball, and carrying a facial expression highly-suggestive of someone either suffering from a complicated form of haemorrhoids or having only just found they?ve chucked a winning Lottery ticket into a rubbish bin by mistake. And yep ? so heavy was our new acquisition, it took Im Indoors all his strength to lift the blasted thing into the back of our car, never mind lock the thing himself once we?d arrived back at Chez Wright.

I have seen similar before, though; the Astles have an analogous figurine adorning their own front doorstep, but only around half the size of ours, and with facial features strongly suggestive of The King. I don?t suppose the one we now have is of similar lineage, but according to Sis, they got this one from a chap who was making them especially for a garden shop by the Malt Shovel pub, near Great Barr. When my family went to enquire, they discovered the shop had since closed, but some helpful people there gave them a contact number for the person who made them, and it all carried on from there. It isn?t half going to look good among our plants next summer, though. And, what?s more, I don?t suppose there?s many others in the area like it!

And that wasn?t the only shock I had today. As per usual this morning, I?d spent around a couple of hours in Smethwick Library; on my return, among all the Christmas cards and sundry bills awaiting our attention on the doormat was another envelope, but hand-delivered this time. Curiously, I opened it ? and discovered a cheque within. And that?s where the shock came in, folkies; around ten days ago, I?d purchased some away match tickets for The Fart, and told him to write me a cheque by way of payment. This he did, but on Tuesday, when I came to pay the damn thing in, I found out El Tel had neglected to sign it! Only one thing to do, then; I simply enclosed it with his Christmas card, accompanied by a suitably-enigmatic message; i.e. ?Forgotten something, Tel?? Posting same off only yesterday lunchtime, I?d completely forgotten about it, so it came as something of a jolt to discover the same cheque returned, signed, this lunchtime! When I rang The Old Fart, it turned out that the Royal Mail had done us proud ? card plus cheque arrived this morning, so Tel very kindly signed and delivered it personally! Impressive or wot? Wow.

Tomorrow, it?s very much a case of ?Hello, sailor!? when our travelling contingent head off into the wilds of Darkest Hampshire, and Portsmouth Football Club. Plus an additional swift chorus of ?Hello, hypothermia!? Mainly because of their awful facilities for away supporters ? a visitors? section completely open to the elements isn?t exactly 21st Century state-of-the-art facilities, now, is it, chaps? ? and the long journey involved, we?re both giving it a miss tomorrow, but The Fart will be there, as ever. I really do hope for his sake the weather doesn?t turn too nasty down there, but whatever happens, it?s certainly going to be cold on the old tootsies. Temperatures of around 3 Centigrade predicted for those there parts tomorrow, according to The Beeb. It?s moments like that I realise what a sensible thing it is to be heading off down the (tropically-heated!) library, and not courting trench-foot or similar circulatory disorders on the old South Coast.

As far as the game?s concerned, had not Harry Redknapp decided to do a modern-day re-enactment of the ?Return Of The Prodigal?, I would have fancied our chances very strongly indeed ? Pompey have yet to win at home - but the advent of ?Arry has changed things enormously. It?s always the case that with any new gaffer ? even one as ?old-new? as the former West Ham man ? there will always be players setting out to impress, a factor that might just put more of a sheen on performances than would have been the case had ?Arry not come into the equation. Add to that the sheer charisma of the guy, plus his yonks of experience at that level, and you?re set up very nicely for a muddying of the waters. Should we just get a point there, I?ll be totally chuffed, but should we get anything more from the trip, I?d be absolutely delirious with joy. A win would not also put a fair bit of clear blue water between us and the South Coast side, we?d also be registering our first ?back to back? Premiership triumphs of the current season, not to mention our first on the road this term. All nicely in time for that all-important Christmas programme, of course.

Mind you, no matter how hard the lot of today?s bunch, nothing compares to times of yore, when players were routinely expected to forsake their own family festivities, especially when playing away, and turn out for The Baggies on Christmas Day. In season 1931-32, the one I was looking at earlier today, the pill had been sugar-coated slightly by the fact their opponents, both home and away, were Blues. Not all that bad then ? but more often than not, the fixture lists took players to some pretty wild and woolly parts of the country come the festive season. Oh ? and another thought. I was most surprised to note that the local rag actually brought out an edition on Christmas Day; not only that, the buses were actually running, albeit offering a limited service only.

But I digress. Back to the weighty question of tomorrow, and precisely who will play and where. The main doubt at present seems to be Steve Watson, who has a hamstring injury ? not something to have when playing in the sort of Arctic temperatures likely to be encountered tomorrow ? so I suspect we?ll have no choice but to revert to plan ?B?, in the shape of Martin Albrechtsen. Despite Kirkland being fit for duty, I would assume The Pole In Goal will continue between the sticks; to drop him now would be a somewhat irrational decision to make, to say the least. According to some sources, The Mighty Zoltan will be travelling with the party as well, but I can?t seriously see him making a contribution, not until after the festive season, at any rate.

As for Pompey, they appear to be treating this as a ?must-win?, and rightly so, as defeat would really put them in the doo-doo. And, if accompanied by wins for any/all of their fellow-travellers in misery at the bottom of the heap, their plight would be made much worse still. Their keeper, Sander Westerveld, will probably play, though, by way of replacement for their regular custodian, Jamie Ashdown, who had to go off versus Spurs earlier in the week. I hadn?t realised until tonight, but Westerveld was the custodian who cost them the game in the corresponding Hawthorns fixture, at the start of the current season. Up front will be that thorough nuisance, Lua Lua, accompanied by Pericard, the lad I?d previously thought was named after a piece of tissue completely enclosing the human heart.

Well, if the corresponding Hawthorns fixture was anything to go by, a fair number of their own supporters must have ended up in Heart Attack City come the end of the allotted 90 minutes, so I suppose that name does have a certain ominous cardiac cachet to it. ?Arry does also have the option of bringing Laurent Robert in from the cold. No, this one sure ain?t gonna be an easy ride. Desperation does the strangest things to sides, as we all well know. Personally, I?d just take the bloody point and run.

And talking about the Fratton Park lot?? From the heady delights of our Hawthorns Saturday, sybaritic pleasures of a different kind come last Monday, as we tuned in on Sky and the Spurs-Pompey clash, shown live. Lots of Baggie interest, of course, as we didn?t fancy them grabbing any of the spoils; at the time we?d joined the game, that was looking to be very much the case, as the score then stood 1-1, with Spurs looking very much the more frustrated of the two sets of combatants. No matter what they tried, they simply couldn?t hurt ?Arry?s lot, and that was conveyed to the home crowd, becoming increasingly irritated with every Spurs move that ended in tears.

All in all, the game looked as though it was headed for a sharing of the points all round, which would have been fair to both parties on the overall run of play ? until Nemesis, in the unlikely form of Uriah Rennie took a hand in the proceedings, that is. It all started when the home side were awarded a perfectly legitimate free-kick right on the edge of the box. Up stepped the Spurs man to take it, up went Pompey to defend it, with the predictable ?wall? formation ? and that?s when it turned pear-shaped for poor ?Arry. When struck, the ball seemed to hit one of the defenders with an almighty ?thwack?, then sailed upwards into the night sky, but that?s what walls are there for, surely?

Not according to the lad Uriah, it would seem ? he adjudged the Pompey player to have handled, which was a bit bloody rich, the poor sod being only a matter of a few yards away at the time, he had absolutely no chance whatsoever of evading the strike. On seeing the replay, this was illustrated perfectly; the classical definition of such offences is ?hand to ball? rather than the other way around, of course, and in this instance, there was absolutely no way you could say that was the case. A penalty it was, then, and duly potted by a delighted Spurs, no doubt, the game finally being wrapped up with a third from the hosts not long before the final whistle. Rotten luck on Pompey, of course, but isn?t that sort of thing typical of your luck when you?re struggling to keep your head well above the ever-rising bottom-three ordure? Nice to see them, not us, end up on the wrong end of a refereeing stinker, for a change, though. Er ? I don?t suppose there?s any chance of us grabbing some of Tottenham?s great dollop of jam at Pompey?s expense this weekend, is there?

As you might imagine, much of this column?s time this week has been spent sorting out Chrissie prezzies, some by the simple expedient of going into West Bromwich rather than Brum. It?s always interesting to wander around both shopping precincts, then into nearby W.H. Smiths to check out the new publications, but what with it being the festive season and everything, everyone seems to have such a lovely smile on their faces right now. And should the shopper also happen to be a Baggie, that?s yet another reason for looking so benevolently upon the world around us. Yep, it was good to see so many people wearing Albion colours out there; old, young, male, female, whatever, and looking HAPPY, too. Clearly, Saturday?s win has boosted morale enormously, yet another excellent excuse for walking around with a stupid grin on your face ? or is that one simply down to industrial-sized quantities of Christmas cheer ingested beforehand? Whatever the reason for such naked bonhomie, it?s certainly been one hell of a long time since I last saw Baggies looking so happy ? and so willing to show their true allegiance, as well.

Thought of the festive season also brings me to great speculation as to what will be happening come the ?January sales?. Will we be in the market for loan replacements for both Kanu and Joe Kamara, doing their thing in Africa by then? And another thought ? young Earnie?s transfer request having been turned down almost instantaneously, what will happen regarding our other ?prodigal? currently lurking in the murkier holes and corners of the Principality, a certain Mister Koumas, who is now on the list, it would seem? Will we be looking towards cutting our losses, finally, simply trying to get a decent price for him, I wonder?

Certainly, reports would suggest he?s been doing the biz at Cardiff, but of one thing I?m certain: in their currently-enfeebled fiscal state, they sure as hell won?t be able to afford signing the lad on a permanent basis. There have been faint whispers on the grapevine that Leeds might be ready to dive in, but surely what goes, financially, for the pecuniary-disadvantaged Ninian Park mob must also apply to the cash-strapped Yorkshire lot as well? Our little spy in those parts tells us that Leeds still persist with a pricing-policy that puts them well up with the Premiership clubs. Only three more in the entire country are pricier to watch, apparently. A bit much, even for a middling top-flight outfit, but absolutely suicidal for one currently languishing in the murkier bits of the Championship, I would have thought. Attendances at Elland Road have since fallen right through the floor, apparently. For the life of me, I really can?t imagine why.

Returning to the ticklish problem of Koumas once more, should a side with greater (and more realistic) ambitions emerge ? dare I say The Dingles, maybe? - perhaps January might represent the best chance we?ll ever have of offloading the lad and getting us a half-decent payback while we?re at it? Mind you, should someone come in for him, he?ll present as a player with a metaphorical albatross hanging around his neck; the stark fact two Albion managers with much past experience behind them quite independently of each other decided not to include him in their first-team plans at this level.

As I?ve said before, to me, Jason is the sort of player who positively relishes being a big fish in a little pond, which is the situation currently prevalent at Ninian Park, of course, but appears to lack sufficient mental resilience to hack it in the higher sphere. Presumably, that?s the reason why there have been no straight Premiership enquiries. Well, none that have made it out in the open, at any rate. It?s all about self-belief at our level, naked ambition, too, but despite his undoubted talent, the lad still appears to be a tad lacking in that department ? why else would he continue to sell himself short by appearing, for the most part, both lazy and uninterested when with us? Ideally, should he move elsewhere in January and his new club get promotion, it would be instructive, to say the least, keeping tabs on his subsequent career. Oh ? and another thought. Why is it that whenever I get to thinking about Koumas and him constantly blowing ?hot? and ?cold? during games, plus his long history of largely-unfulfilled early promise, the name ?Richard Sneekes? keeps popping into my pretty little head?

Poor Wigan. Tatered by Man United to the tune of four in the back of their net on Wednesday night, which must make that their fifth or sixth loss on the bounce. Some may be due to the fact other sides are finally beginning to suss them out, but a large chunk of the rest is down to the horrendous run of fixtures they?ve had recently. Think of our own opening obligations the very first time we went up ? Man Urinal, The Arse, both away from home, then Leeds at ours (then a potent Premiership force), and stick a couple more top six sides into the mix, and it?s monstrously easy to see why The Latics are in freefall right now. It should be interesting to see how well ? or not ? their famous team spirit functions to get them back on the winning track once their Premiership commitments revert to facing sides they stand a much better chance of getting a result against.

And Finally??. As ?yer man? finally heads on out for the hedonistic delights of life in the fast lane, Glaswegian-style ? ?Ready-honed razors with your whisky, is it then, gents?? - here?s the real truth about what was actually said on the day Bryan Robson spoke to Roy Keane about the possibility of him becoming a Baggie.

Roy Keane: ? ?Allo, who is it??

Brian Robson: ?It?s yer old mate Robbo ? you know, we used to be in the same side, once, remember??

RK. ?Oh yeah ? er, whaddayawant, Robbo? Them bloody yam-yams getting? uppity about the way yer pick yer side again??

BR. ?No, they?re not getting uppity ? it?s just their warped Black Country sense of humour. Look, me old mucker ? the reason I?m ringing is because I want to make you an offer you can?t possibly refuse???

RK. ?What?s that, then, mate??

BR. ?Simple. Look, Roy, now you?ve split the blanket with Fergie, how do you fancy joining me at West Brom instead? Yes, I know we?re not exactly the best payers in the Premiership, but one thing I can guarantee is you?ll never, EVER have to endure the prawn-sandwich brigade EVER again; let?s face it, with our supporters, it?s all they can do to afford a cod and chips heavy on the old salt and vinegar and wrapped in yesterday?s Daily Express, never mind prawn sarnies, and if you do come I could find you a lovely house out in Great Barr, right by Barr Beacon, and not too far from our training-ground as well, and it?s great now ?cos we?ve managed to drain all the canal water off the pitches, at last, ?an talking of canals, there?s loads down here, lovely places to go on a Sunday afternoon, mind, as long as you keep yer kids away from all the used condoms on the towpaths, ?an then there?s The Malt Shovel pub not far away from here, got a carvery ?an everything, but if you really want a good pub meal and you like Indian stuff there?s always the Vine down the road, do a lovely Balti they do, ?an right in front of yer very own eyes, our supporters love the place to bits they do, ?an???

RK (interjecting vigorously!). ? ?Er ? Bryan, BRYAN!???

BR. ?Yes, mate??

RK. ?Me? West Brom? Hahahahahahahahahahaahaha???..!?

BR (In desperation?) ?I take it that?s a ?no? then??

RK. Click. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 - Glynis Wright

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