The Diary

03 December 2005: Mansfield, Des Lyttle, Roy Keane - And A Little Bit Of Fulham, Too!

Well, Mansfield Town certainly flabbered my ghast tonight. Their FA Cup tie versus high-flying Conference side Gray?s Athletic, I mean, and the astonishing fact The Stags managed to put three goals past them earlier this evening. It just goes to show how unpredictable the competition can be at times, but not in the more usual sense, i.e. the Essex-based visitors, and not the hosts being considered far more worthy of a crafty visit to the local turf accountant. Around this time of year, ?Im Indoors participates in what amounts to a ?postal betting? competition, based upon the real tournament, of course, but involving the expenditure of ?pretend money? only; guess who?d chucked the theoretical equivalent of a cool hundred in the direction of the non-League outfit, then?

Looking at the tie on paper, it?s dead easy to see why I agreed with his judgment, if only in the cockeyed sense of the word. Right now, Grays are conducting what virtually amounts to a one-club blitzkrieg on the Conference, even more astonishing when you consider it?s their first ever season there, and unless something turns really pear-shaped for them, or they can?t manage to upgrade their ground to the required standard (minimum capacity 6,000, or more, plus various other little ?ifs? and ?buts? I can?t rightly remember at the moment) in the time, make no mistake about it, they are going to be in Division Three come next term.

Mansfield? Thanks to our recent visit there, when Hereford played them in the Mickey Mouse Cup a few weeks back, I do happen to have a fair idea of their normal capabilities. At the time, they?d just lost their manager ? first of all Keith Curle, bizarrely given the bullet because of unspecified ?bullying? activities, then our very own ?Pinhead? Palmer. Remember him? You should. - and as a result, were tumbling headlong down a steep spiral staircase; even now, they?re right at the bottom of the heap. Hereford weren?t having the best run of recent form either, at the time, but they still managed to win it 1-0 against what was, quite frankly, a very poor and sorry League outfit indeed.

Had I been a betting person myself, I would have definitely have invested a few (?real?) bob on Grays meeting the big boys in Round Three, but that?s the sort of unexpected thing that happens when you end up on the wrong end of both a dismissal and a penalty early on. Mind you, although defeat must have cost them something awful, financially ? the prize money for success at this stage being around 20 grand, plus the distinct possibility of the next one being televised live, should there be a ?famous name? involved ? it might just be that without the distraction of a decent Cup run to worry about, they can now devote their entire attention towards lifting that Conference title come May.

Talking about cup-ties, and non-league involvement generally, tonight, I just happened to have Midlands Today on the box, when a very familiar face indeed appeared on our screen. Ever wondered what happened to Des Lyttle after he left our place? Well, he?s now at Worcester City, a Conference South mob, and enjoying himself hugely, if what I saw of him tonight is to be believed. Prior to that, he was with an outfit called Forest Green, a ?pukka? Conference side, based in Nailsworth, a large village situated between Bristol and Gloucester, and just about the most obscure place you can imagine enjoying football at that lofty level. How the hell they manage to sustain a Conference side there, year in, year out, even one perpetually struggling to avoid the drop, totally eludes me, but they do. Last season, they even managed to move to a newly-constructed place just up the hill from the original, pretty good going for a side that considers home attendances of more than a thousand a financial bonanza.

But that?s not the main reason I?m discussing Des right now. It?s just that whenever I think of the former Watford man?s time at our place, I always recall the wonderfully-infectious grin he had about him on all occasions. It sure as hell took a great deal to shift it from his face, and that?s the main reason why I liked him. Some players can be really miserable sods at times, but you certainly couldn?t say that about him. He also had the sunny personality to match, which you don?t always find with some either; many?s the time both myself and The Fart exchanged pleasantries with him in and around the ground on Friday mornings. Believe you me, it didn?t take very much to get him roaring with helpless laughter about something or other, and so infectious, within seconds, we?d both find ourselves with helpless tears of mirth trickling down our faces also.

Not only that, there was footage tonight of Des?s small son, aged around nine, I believe ? and guess what? Yep, he too had that wonderful trademark grin bisecting his face from end to horizontal end. Says something about the enormous power of both DNA and genetics, I suppose. Did I hear it right, that the lad was already on The Dingles? books? Dearie, dearie me. If correct, a job for Childline, or social services, surely? The other day, I spoke in this little column of Roy Keane, and the vexing question of whether or not he could be a positive influence in our dressing-room, a discussion I?ve continued below. Some say he would, some say he wouldn?t, but of the two, Keane and Lyttle, perfectly valid considerations about Des?s current age and vastly-decreased ability to properly cope at our level apart, I certainly know which one I?d rather have there.

And so, to tomorrow?s game versus Fulham, then. The League Cup party?s well and truly over now, time to get down to the serious business of survival once more. I can only hope that our reward in heaven for leaving out key performers on Wednesday night will be the gifting of three invaluable points come the final whistle; being of an era when we?d have simply rolled up our sleeves and gambled on winning both, let?s trust this is indeed the case, otherwise you really do have to question the sanity, financial or otherwise, of our supporters going to Old Trafford in the first place.

As far as the reason for Robbo?s omission of Kanu from Wednesday?s Old Trafford tie goes, it?s because he didn?t want the lad playing three times in six days; that, plus he was chary of further aggravating a slight hamstring problem, but the lad will certainly be there for tomorrow?s game, apparently. Oh goodie. Also in contention will be Steve Watson, plagued also by trouble in the old ?hamstring? department. As far as the other ?walking wounded? go, Chris Kirkland is still some way away from a return, although, as I said the other day, I reckon he could well find The Pole In Goal giving him a pretty rough ride when it comes to getting his old place back.

The Mighty Zoltan? He?s still at the stage of gradual rehabilitation ? in the sports injury sense, and not the criminal one, of course. According to the stuff I digested about his condition recently, he could still be weeks, or, worst-case scenario, months, away from a return. By the time we do get him back, and giving his usual 100 per cent once more, the effect could well be not dissimilar to that of signing a completely new player. Let?s all hope that our League position has not reached anywhere near the irretrievable stage by then. Mind you, having seen what an almighty mess Sunderland are in right now, it would take incompetence of a spectacular kind on our part to boot them off the rock-bottom slot they currently occupy.

Both sides being so close to each other in terms of League position you?d need a crowbar to separate them, getting maximum benefit from this one would be just the ticket. Both have enjoyed reasonable results at home, of late, but Fulham do have a slight edge on us in that department, having won three on the bounce, in contrast to our most recent two, one versus the Arse, the other being The Toffees; of our last few, we?ve managed to notch up a single draw, while Fulham?s aways still await the single-pointed pleasure. Neither has yet won away, but as far as psychology goes, with that League Cup win at their place to our credit, I suppose you could argue we, and not the Cottagers ? is it still OK to call them that, by the way, or am I transgressing some unwritten PC law, or other? ? have the ? erm ? whip hand.

Let?s just hope this fixture will be somewhat less contentious than the corresponding one last time round, which ended with honours shared. Plus, of course, three, two Fulham and one Albion, heading for an early bath after tempers finally erupted. I?d also like to think we?d get officials of a much higher calibre than the ones doing the job last time round, as quite a lot of the bad feeling generated was entirely down to them. As some might recall, neither the ref or lino spotted their keeper around three or four yards off his line when Albion took a penalty subsequently saved by their cheating custodian.

Partly due to the lino-inspired incompetence above, of course, and partly because the visitors crowded the ref so badly beforehand, arguing the toss for so long, it was several distracting minutes before our lad could finally get on with it. And stuff up. Oh, and even at Craven Cottage they seemed to enjoy more jam than Hartleys; after dominating for most of the match, we then fell victim to a sucker-punch delivered literally seconds before the end. One way or another, I wouldn?t weep salt tears if Fulham got theirs in large measures tomorrow afternoon.

Cor, the vexing question I posed last night regarding whether or not Roy Keane should become a Baggie didn?t half get some of you going. Lots of input on that one, for which I thank everyone. At the moment, I?d say there?s mixed feelings about the idea out there, myself included, so I can readily understand. Let me put it this way, right now, I see Roy?s presence in a similar light to some famous scientist or other coming up with an extremely potent solution to the forthcoming world energy crisis, very effective when placed in the right hands, but dead dangerous if not. A bit like the time they ? Lord Rutherford, not Roy Keane - first managed to split the atom, if you like. Even back then, far-seeing people like Einstein were perfectly aware of what atomic fission could mean for the world. A relatively cheap and minimally-polluting power source to some, but a mushroom-shaped cloud, a hole in the ground a half-mile wide, not to mention a death toll running to many millions, to others.

And so it goes with the former Man United firebrand. Even our erstwhile treasurer, Steve The Miser, felt constrained to chuck in his very own ten pence-worth and send me a mail; quite a fiscal sacrifice for the ever-parsimonious Steve, that, I?ll have you know! Some cited his bully-boy tactics both on and off the pitch as the perfect reason why his Albion-shirted persona would be non-grata, as far as they were concerned. One even told me his neighbour, a dyed-in-the-wool United follower, and therefore not usually given to seeing his star performers in a bad light, had told him that mainly because of his prickly and argumentative demeanour, Keane had very few friends amongst his fellow-players, or supporters, come to think about it, and would take rapid evasive action should there even be the slightest danger of his own recognising him in the street, and wanting a quick chat.

Another pointed out that in Inamoto, we already had, potentially, what one might regard as ?the acceptable face? of Albion midfield football, so why rock the boat? Mind you, as far as being a ?hard man? in the classical sense goes, as someone said in an earlier mail, back in the 60s or 70s, people like Duggie Fraser would have relished chewing him up, then spitting out the crunchier bits! Hard man? Roy Keane? Yeah, and my name?s Chopper Harris. Still, should this thread actually look like becoming reality ? which I doubt, personally ? it might yet prove instructive to ask the same question again.

And Finally?. Besides that unexpected outcome to that Mansfield-Grays tie tonight, I couldn?t help but notice the sheer number of daft surnames on display out there. Did both gaffers do it as a wind-up, I wonder? A Nutter, a Coke ? just as well Shane Nicholson has moved on from Field Mill, then, isn?t it? - a Jellyman, yes, and a Kettle. In the case of the last one, a good job they didn?t have a Black out there, somewhere, otherwise the journos would have licked their lips mightily when putting together their copy for tomorrow?s editions!

 - Glynis Wright

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