The Diary

30 November 2005: Donny Rovers 3, Villa 0.

I?m a bit late starting tonight?s effort,peeps, but that?s hardly surprising, really; trying to stem uncontrollable torrents of laughter and sort out a change of underwear at the same time doesn?t half soak up the minutes. And, just in case you?ve not heard by now, the main reason for all this levity on my part is the mother of all absolutely hilarious scorelines at the end of the full 90 minutes: Doncaster Rovers 3, Aston Villa 0. Yep, that?s right. And their overwhelming League Cup stonking of our near-neighbours most certainly wasn?t a fluke, either, that I know, because I was watching the game live on Sky myself.

Normally, when David overcomes Goliath in the knock-out competition sense, the smaller club achieve their aim by kicking just about everyone wearing an opposition shirt into near-Earth orbit. Not this one, though; right from the start, Donny were causing the claret-and-spew big problems, simply by dint of intelligent passing and movement, and in a manner far more accurate and stylish than that of their so-called top-flight opponents. Having come very close indeed in the opening minutes of the tie, Donny finally struck gold, courtesy of a lad called McIndoe, who put away their penalty very nicely indeed.

Odd Fact Number One; the lad shares his surname with that of a very famous World War 2 plastic surgeon, and you certainly couldn?t argue with the clinical dissection job he did on the visitors tonight. Apparently, when taking previous spot-kicks, he?d always aimed to the keeper?s right, but not for this one, instead, he decided to dispense with the filthy habit for once, and go for the bottom left-hand corner. Which suited McIndoe and Donny no end, as the visitors? custodian, having clearly done his homework, opted to aim for the Donny striker?s ?normal? side instead. Result? Donny 1 Villa 0, and the pair of us laughing like a demented drain.

After that ? oh dear. Try as they might, Villa just couldn?t rid themselves of an extremely fired-up Donny Rovers, who were in their faces constantly, and mopping up any potentially-dangerous incursions into their territory with the greatest of ease. Not only that, at the other end of the field, Villa were extremely fortunate not to fall further behind still. That goalmouth of theirs led a charmed life, but we had to wait until the second half for another bout of helpless giggling; eight minutes into the second 45, Donny did it again! This time Hefferman was the man doing the damage, and the shot that had the Seals floundering? An absolute humdinger, sent on its merry way from the very edge of the box, and their keeper completely all at sea once more.

By now, Villa were looking very much second-best; every time they tried to build up towards a threatening move, Donny were right in there to snuff out the danger, then take it to their opponents in no uncertain terms. As the commentator so rightly said at the halfway-point, had someone landed from the planet Mars at that precise moment, they would have had great difficulty in discerning which was the genuine Premiership side. But the fun wasn?t over yet; with about ten minutes to go, Thornton grabbed Donny?s third, that goal being very similar to the one that preceded it. Sure, Villa kept trying to salvage at least some pride from the rout, but they couldn?t even manage that. Time after time, the Donny defence sprang to the rescue, competently, too; as for the visitors? travelling faithful, stuck on a pukka terrace for their sins, I?ll bet the lines to the Samaritans must have been really humming. As for Donny, players, supporters, everyone ? just by looking at the shots of kids on the terraces, those on the subs? bench, manager included, and those in the directors box ? their Chairman, who?d been helping out by flogging programmes outside before the kick-off, cheekily broke out a T-shirt, on the back of which was emblazoned the legend ?Bring On United!? ? this was undoubtedly their night. Probably one of the biggest they?d ever had. Cut camera to David O?Leary ? and the look on his face said it all. Something on the lines of ?Now where can I find a brown paper bag to put over my head this time of night, I wonder?? perhaps?

That?s not the first time Donny have turned over top-flight opposition in the current competition, mind. They did it to Bolton in the previous round, and after being three behind, as well. And, with that, I guess you can see where all this is leading, can?t you? Should we get past Man United tomorrow night, that?s sure as hell one club I wouldn?t want to see coming out of the hat next to our name ? unless it?s on our own turf, and by inference, on our own terms, that is. As for having to travel to the Racecourse Ground ? no, I wouldn?t enjoy it one little bit, not least because despite improvements, the fragility of our rearguard is legendary. Sure, we?ve bettered ourselves of late, but were we to draw them at their place, I?d be very much inclined to regard this as a banana skin just waiting to happen.

?We?re gonna put the band together!?..? Some may recognise the cinematic source of my last; ?The Blues Brothers?, a cult hit of the eighties, starring Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi, only one of whom are still with us, sadly. But the quote is apposite; tomorrow night, strictly as a one-off, but sans fanzine duties of any description whatsoever, the old Dick ?Ed First Team Squad are going to reform once more, so look out for us at Old Trafford. Should be like old times; The Fart and The Noise chuntering away in the back of The Dickmobile like they?re worried the noble art of conversation?s about to be banned by the government, or something, and this column, plus ?Im Indoors at the wheel, both trying to keep a straight face.

As for the game, well, emotions will be running high, what with the George Best factor pervading every nook and cranny in Old Trafford right now; remember also, this will be the first real chance home supporters have had to show their respects since his death on Friday, so by the time we get there, that impromptu shrine they?ve already created outside their ground could well be rendered unmanageable, almost. It goes without saying a good many Baggies will want to pay their respects, too; virtually all of my Albion contemporaries saw George in action, both at The Hawthorns and Old Trafford ? plus Northern Ireland, of course ? so expect the whole thing to take up a considerable proportion of the pavement tomorrow night. Let?s just hope the recent icy weather hasn?t caused too much to spoil.

And then there?s the question of the ?minute?s silence?. United announced tonight that tomorrow?s game would follow normal football tradition, and the ?proper? respects observed, which is a bit of a shame, really. They're going to do the 'applause' thing versus Pompey, come Saturday. I hate to say it, but I reckon the Dingles had the right idea last weekend, when they applauded for 60 seconds instead of keeping their traps shut. That?s how George would have wanted it; applauded for his silky skills on the pitch in life, applauded for all those wonderful memories he gave us in death. And it had the added bonus of pulling the rug from right underneath the feet of the moron tendency, hell bent on spoiling the dignity of the occasion, as that Leeds contingent did. Mind you, when discussing same with ?Im Indoors earlier this evening, I do remember a precedent; after The King?s funeral, as the coffin was being brought out of the church immediately following the conclusion of the service, all the crowd listening to proceedings outside ? it must have run into the hundreds ? spontaneously burst forth with a sustained bout of clapping.

The practice of commemorating football?s dear departed in this fashion is quite common in Italy, I understand. But, as with most things Italian, all might not be what it seems at first sight, and for an explanation, you have to look no further than today?s Guardian. According to Tim Parks, the English chap who somewhat perversely follows Verona, both home and away - and made a pile writing about it not so long back, may I add ? there are other factors at play there. Firstly, Parks points out that the custom gathered favour over there purely and simply because, just like The Noise, Italians are totally incapable of staying quiet for sixty seconds!

For the second reason, you have to look no further than last year, when Gianni Agnelli, Fiat and Juventus owner, turned up his toes. As per usual, the standard minute?s silence was prescribed at every league game, big, small, indifferent ? and that?s when it went pear-shaped. Verona?s faithful, bless their little lumps of pasta, had a relationship with Juventus on a similar footing with that of ours with Wulves, just about. Not only that, most of Italian football?s lesser-lights regarded the dear departed as arrogant beyond belief, not to mention the allegedly-indirect source of far too many dodgy refereeing decisions in Juve?s favour, in their opinion, so when the minute?s silence was announced at Verona?s place, their home end immediately burst forth with repeated gusts of: ?O Iuventin, de? merda la-la.? Work it out for yourselves ? translation shouldn?t prove too taxing.

Once the mourning ritual takes place, afterwards will come the vexed question of whether or not The Red Devils will put out their ?proper? first-string, or simply assemble what amounts to a reserve side, instead. It?s a nicely-balanced problem for them, what with their Champion?s League future looking a bit wobbly these days, and badly needing the extra revenue further progress in the competition would bring. Will they stake everything on getting through to the knock-out stages of European competition? In other words, resting their stars, and by doing that, accepting their possible ejection from the lesser competition tomorrow night? Or, like The Arse, who took things much more seriously versus Reading tonight, putting out the full monty, and hoping like hell none of their more important performers badly overexerts themselves, or ends up with a serious knock?

If they do take the European option, then we might just be in with a realistic chance of beating them. I can only assume that all those who were instrumental in getting us that valuable point at The Riverside last Sunday will be in tomorrow night?s starting eleven, bar Watson, of course. If Kanu shows the same commitment he did last time round, and if The Duke can keep up the good work, I don?t suppose the Mancs will enjoy it one little bit. Mind you, I had forgotten Curtis Davies would be cup-tied, but it seems Albrechtsen will ?carry on regardless? ? apologies to The Beautiful South ? and Big Dave?s coming in from the cold also. Some have expressed concern we?re getting involved in an extensive Cup run when our main priority should be remaining a Premiership side. It?s that ?three games in six days? thing that?s troubling some so much.

My take on the subject? Here we are, on the brink of getting to the quarter-finals, the point when the tournament starts to get really interesting, and for the first time in absolute yonks; the two aims aren?t mutually exclusive, surely? Succeed in one, and that success will rub off on the other. The magic word, here, is ?confidence?. And in any case, I don?t recall many players complaining about fixture pile-ups back in the sixties and seventies, when the competition could quite easily run to replays. Our FA Cup Sixth Round encounter with Fulham in 2002 aside, this club, which has a proud tradition in such competitions, has been starved of success for far too long. Go for it, Baggies, and sod the possible consequences, I say.

And Finally?? It wasn?t only the good citizens of Doncaster celebrating tonight. So was a certain Norman Bartlam, I gather. The connection between the two? Easy ? just like me with Crewe Alex, when he was a student, he used to attend Donny Rovers home games, and as a result, ended up with a king-sized soft spot for the little Yorkshire side. That?s why his place of work will have a massive Donny Rovers scarf hanging from the building tomorrow ? and why his Villa-supporting workmates, some of whom travelled to Doncaster tonight and witnessed the slaughter at first hand, will be keeping a very low profile indeed! If you travel to work via the Hagley Road, and find yourself in the vicinity of Five Ways, do look out for it. On the other hand, it might also behove you well to mind the claret-and-blue-clad dead bodies littering the gutters!

 - Glynis Wright

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