The Diary

01 February 2005: It's Robbo v Meggo - But First, A White Hart Pain!

Happy with the Fifth Round draw, are we? Didn?t you just know what would happen? To be perfectly frank, I?d have much preferred us drawn to take on a herd of stampeding buffalo than our former leader at full adrenalin-induced tilt, but now the mop?s flopped in that particular direction, I suppose we?ll just have to grit our teeth and get on with it. Assuming we can get past Spurs at their place, of course, which is a pretty big ask, even at the best of times. Right now, a horribly-insistent little voice, calling from within, tells me the North London side will gradually grind us down over the course of the ninety minutes, then turf us out of the competition courtesy of yet another fluke. Remember 1981 and our League Cup encounter?

Back to Saturday once more - was it a penalty? That contentious Darren Purse incident, I mean; now I?ve seen the episode that led to the award on slo-mo etc. it?s highly debatable as to whether or not the former Bluenose did make contact with the ball when he tried to take on Defoe in the box. Maybe not, but what I am certain about is the incontrovertible fact that by toppling like a half-rotted timber the minute Purse breathed on him, the former West Ham player gave an Oscar-winning performance that would surely have moved the awarding body to tears, had they, and not the viewing public been given access to the footage instead.

Because my other half was at home and not the office today ? he?s taken a week off work ? I was treated to the full-blown version of my beloved?s Cup draw hysterics, of which I?ve made previous mention. But first there was yet another episode of Barnaby Bear to look forward to. No astonishing facts this time about what looked like perfectly-normal Scottish hills having a volcanic history, sadly, just a rather naff story about a police Mountain Rescue Team in mid-Wales, but never mind. Should we make further Cup progress, I?m pretty sure the Junior Beeb won?t let us down in that direction. (Come on Adrian Chiles, surely you can sort something out for us?) And so, daft-looking anthropomorphic bears having been dispensed with for the moment, we eagerly awaited the revelation of our fate ? and it didn?t take long in coming. Second pairing out of the old funeral urn, if my memory serves me correctly, and judging from the almighty wail that left the lips of my other half the precise moment the words ?Nottingham Forest? left the lips of the commentator ? surely they must have heard it in Smethwick, so eardrum-shattering was its intensity ? that was the moment I realised that God really did have a sense of humour after all. He might not be much cop at preventing massive tsunamis striking the shores of those Indian Ocean countries nearest the parent quake, but He sure as hell is good at winding up already highly-strung Albion supporters.

Blimey, Robson and Megson, head-to-head. Talk about ?light the blue touch-paper and retire?. Or, a la Fanny Craddock: ?First of all, take your two bits of enriched plutonium, stick them at either end of a large cylinder, then use an explosive charge to ram them together ? but be very careful not to be within five miles of the detonation when you do it?.? But then, another thought struck me. OK, Forest?s new manager might have something of a vested interest in winning that one, but then again, with a relegation fight of his own to worry about, what would be the true priority? Salvation, or a Cup run that might get the money in, but would lead to relegation anyway? Mind you, should we get that far, not a few of our own players would want a piece of the action, especially those who, rightly or wrongly, clearly believe Megson gave them a raw deal when with the club. Which means, at the very least, Wallwork and Clem, and probably several more if truth were to be known. The others, the likes of Dichio, Dobie, Jason Roberts, all left for pastures new well before he went, of course. And I?m damn sure Robbo would extract a deal of pleasure from getting to the quarter-final stage; he, above all, should realise what doing well in the competition would mean to supporters, especially those as long in the tooth as this column.

As far as tickets for the replay go, I?m given to understand they go on sale to away season-ticket holders tomorrow. I have to say I was quite surprised by the relatively small number of away tickets (3,000) allocated for this one. FA rules mean an allocation of 15% of the capacity. Theirs is 36,240. 15% of that means, in theory, 5436 tickets available. Does this mean just an initial release, to gauge interest, then a further one in the event of all the first lot being flogged, I wonder? We plan to sort ours out on Wednesday, as we have to grab The Fart?s season ticket off him tomorrow night, before the Palace game. One small snag regarding the club?s plans to flog to home season-ticket holders on Saturday, though ? a fair few people in that category will be heading for Norwich! Presumably, by taking the trouble to open the Ticket Office for business at eight and not nine in the morning, the club hope to successfully circumvent that one. Not that I?m expecting to see an away win at White Hart Lane, of course ? unpleasant little upstarts like us aren?t expected to upset the equilibrium of seasoned Premiership performers, are we? But at least we?ll have a bit of fun curing their supporters? long-standing constipation problems along the way ? and, you never know, blindfold or not, Justice well and truly owes us a biggie after last Saturday?s controversy, so we might just give them something to really remember us by.

Well, apropos of Chaplow finally putting pen to paper for us this evening (a three and a half year deal, I?m led to believe), I did say recently that although I was pretty confident of eventually getting our man, negotiations could well go right to the wire, and I was spot-on. First of all, we heard the fee for the England Under 21 international had been agreed at 1.5 million mazoomas, plus the usual sell-on clause, then we heard there?d been a last-minute ?hiccup?. Cause unspecified, ?tis true, but over ?personal terms?, presumably. And, once we?d switched on Midlands Beeb tonight, we were told nothing had been decided for definite, but both parties were still talking turkey ? then, around eight tonight, The Fart contacted us with the glad tidings that the deal was now well and truly signed, sealed and delivered. No further mention of O?Connor, though, curiously. Or Hulse, for that matter; that was the original sticking-point when we first talked turkey with the Lancashire club. Whoopee! There you go, see; your Great Auntie Glynis WAS right after all!

Leaving the Clarets might well be a bit of a wrench for the lad; according to the Albion website, he?s been on their books one way or another since the age of eight. Since he first burst onto the first-team scene last season, he?s made 39 senior appearances, including nine as sub, banging in five goals along the way as well. Incidentally, despite his comparative youth, the poor lad is as bald as a coot. The reason? Alopecia, following a nasty bout of glandular fever, apparently. That?s a common enough young people?s complaint ? students and the like are very prone to it ? and most seem to get over it with no after-effects whatsoever, bar a short bout of mild-to-moderate depression, perhaps, but in a small minority of cases, the illness can produce far more serious symptoms, some very similar to leukaemia, it needing a fairly decent lab to finally differentiate microscopically between the two in those very rare instances. The more profound the physical effects, the longer it takes to get over the condition; clearly, those wrought on the poor sod in this instance caused the hair-loss. Oh, and his 20th birthday just happens to fall on the same day as that of my other half, this coming Wednesday. All together, now: ?Bless???

Palace, tomorrow night? My God, we?ve really got to pull our fingers out for that one. Win, and we totally ruin the three other relegation candidates? entire day, and probably render them all more paranoid than Richard Nixon after Watergate, even ? three points tomorrow night would leave us with but a two-point deficit to make up. Do that, and we then enter the realms of Cuban Missile Crisis football once more ? blink, just once, and you?re down. It?s not doing my nerves any bit of good, all this hope; at least when we were playing like bags of wet cement there was a certain natural order about it. The difference? The real buzz, the nascent sense of genuine optimism that Robson?s arrival has wrought on the place. Deadbeats no longer, we?re cooking on gas, now, and the change is really noticeable; anyone who couldn?t tell the difference last Saturday has to be dead from the neck up, I reckon. Personally, I?m of the belief that if we can get three points tomorrow night, and at least a point from Carrow Road this weekend, we will stand at least a fighting chance of getting out of it by the skin of our teeth. Lose? Eight points to make up between now and the end would sorely tax even the miracle-making abilities of St. Peter, I reckon.

As far as the team news goes, scuttlebutt has it Kieron Richardson is included in the squad after moving on loan from Man United, but as Jonathan Greening and Zoltan Gera are currently delighting both the Brummie and Smethwick with their skills, the lad won?t be guaranteed a place. No Chaplow either, as we signed him too late to be eligible for Palace. And quite right to have them out of the reckoning, too, as we only get one shot at this. I?d much rather see us go into tomorrow night?s encounter with players we already know can do the biz, rather than tinker with things at the edges, then blow it. If we can pull off a Black Country version of ?The Great Escape?, then our deliverance will allow us to start thinking more deeply about next season, and who to play where. As far as Palace are concerned, they might have both Joonas Kolkka and Aki Riihilahti back into the reckoning following recovery from injury. What they won?t have at their disposal tomorrow night is Nicola Ventola, and Tommy Black; they?re both still out for one painful reason or another.

And finally?.. Talk about a Freudian slip. Nothing to do with The Baggies, I hasten to add, more the hugely funny clanger dropped by Conference side Hereford United. By their unofficial website, actually, but what the hell. In correspondence with us earlier today, the subject of a former Cheltenham player, a chap called Cozic, somehow cropped up ? and guess what? Well, you look at their reply: ?Cozic was with Cheltenham after being spotted by Booby Gould but only managed seven games before joining Hereford?.? Well done, chaps - I couldn?t have phrased it better myself!

 - Glynis Wright

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