The Diary

30 December 2004: Dunnies And Trotters

Back once more ? and yes, I?m still laughing like a bloody drain at the events of yesterday afternoon! And watching the whole thing once more courtesy BBC West Midlands tonight necessitated yet another change of underwear on my part, sad to relate. The City defender I now realise to be the guy primarily responsible for the entire shambles goes by the name of Richard Dunne. Unfortunate, that, as he has such a good reputation in the game as a pretty solid defender. His club nickname, ?Dunny?, is highly-appropriate given the highly laughable circumstances, as our Australian cousins will readily testify, that one being the colloquial name for an Outback outside toilet! The trouble is, though, comical as the whole affair was, we are still left facing the fundamental problem that threatens to see us back in the Nationwide (or whatever it?s called this week) come the end of the season ? the fact, pure and simple, that we?re just not good enough at that level. Yesterday?s Comic Cuts performance from City simply handed our leader a ?get out of jail? card of limited duration only.

To be perfectly frank with you lot, that bit of late fun apart, the game was absolutely awful to watch, and I?m willing to bet anything you care to name that the City persuasion are saying exactly the same thing themselves right now. Another related thought, now, and most definitely not a pleasant one. Yesterday, although you might not have realised, we managed to set a new club record. What was it? Simple: the one for the worst ever start by an incoming Albion manager since the end of World War Two, with a measly 2 points from eight games well and truly salted away in the club coffers. Overall, it's one win in 14 under Megson, when he first came to the club, none in two for Burrows. The only other Albion manager that comes anywhere near this embarrassing statistic is former manager and resident loony, Bobby Gould! And there are other parallels with Mr. Gould, of course. A former Albion player, not wanted by supporters, of course, also an appointment made in haste to try to get us out of a mess.

I suppose that if we can genuinely use our little bit of serendipitous luck as a spur to greater things on the field of play, and employ it as a base for future progress, a lot will hinge on the next few games, most of them against outfits in or near the drop-zone. Take Bolton, for example. After that surprisingly-impressive start of theirs, after we notched up our first Premiership win at their expense, they?ve gone backwards at an alarming rate of knots. It?s six on the bounce they?ve lost, to date, and recent reports suggest they?re desperately trying to scrabble their way out of the hole they?ve dug for themselves by turning to that good old-fashioned standby, the long-ball game. And rapidly discovering, as we did, that good sides just laugh at such puny efforts at damage-limitation, then proceed to reduce the poor sods trying that sort of thing on to shreds within a matter of minutes.

And we should be bolstered considerably by the return of Big Dave, a chap we really need in there scrapping, right now. Cosmic Contra-clockwise will also be over his one-match ban for being a complete and utter dickhead versus Liverpool the other night. Whether Robbo will still stick up for him in public is anyone?s guess. Not only that, presumably, Jason Koumas will by then be well enough to get a start. Kanu? Don?t get me wrong, I?m genuinely respectful of all the charity work he does for good causes, but with the passing of every game, I?m becoming even more certain his continued absence from the side would be a help, rather than a hindrance. Certainly, I would have to see far more by way of results before wanting to invest ever-increasingly silly sums of money on the lad.

As they?re in such a mess at the moment, I?d dearly like to think we can actually get something on our Lancashire travels, but sheer pragmatism tells me I?m living in a David James-induced dream-world, and shouldn?t bother. Mind you, as we discovered the first time round, they?re not supermen, just a bunch of ordinary players occupying a position well above their station the day we played them at our place. Perhaps Prince Charles should have a word or three with them, you reckon? Like he did apropos that secretary who dared to suggest to her gaffer she be trained in more mentally-taxing duties? But before he does put pen to paper, our first three-pointer on the road would be just peachy, I reckon.

Having said all that, I?m now wondering now as to precisely how many supporters we?ll be taking to the Reebok come New Year?s Day. Not only is it a game scheduled to take place barely twelve hours after most of the country has taken advantage of the opportunity to become totally and utterly kaylied, it?s one completely devoid of what you might describe as ?star quality?. And our current league position won?t help, although the outcome of the City game might have given us a little assistance on that score, albeit dubious. Not only that, the location?s one totally lacking in any residual charm it might have once had when first built; even the nearest pub?s about a mile away from the place, and the stadium is already well-trodden ground for most of our faithful, of course. We do have an allocation of around 3,000, in theory, but because of all the aforementioned factors coming into play, this one could very easily become a ?turn up on the day, we don?t mind? job.

When ?Im Indoors told me Robson was trying to bring Juninho into the Albion fold, then seeing reports on Ceefax about the mysterious affair, my first reaction was to ask if he?d been partaking of too many magic mushrooms, or something equally-hallucinogenic, of late. Sure, I daresay both the South American and Robbo are as thick as thieves, thanks to the Boro connection, but leave Celtic, and a rock-solid guarantee of top-class football, for The Black Country, a club firmly-embedded at the bottom of the pile, and the bloke now at the age of 31? And only just after having bought a house in bonny Scotland? Yeah, sure ? and working on that basis, I reckon NASA will shortly announce to a stunned world they?ve finally found incontrovertible proof of the existence of an intelligent race of Dingles.

In any case, what would we do with the guy? He?s certainly a class act, but we have one already in the form of Kanu; with every additional game he plays up front for us, the more realisation grows he?s something of a luxury we can?t afford right now, so why chuck more money away buying a similar type of player? No, I can?t help but feel the issue only arose because, the Far East disaster apart, it?s been a pretty flat news week everywhere. So why did this get into the press in the first place? All supposition on my part, of course, but it?s maybe because the guy?s having trouble getting a first team game at the Glasgow club these days, and the prospect of being left out in the cold might not suit.

Slipping out daft stories the lad might be thinking of moving to a load of Premiership no-hopers might simply be ground-bait scattered about the water to attract others prevaricating as to whether to take a chance on him coming up trumps for them, or not. In fact, just checking on that story a minute or so ago, the substance of it seems to have come via quotes from Juninho?s agent himself, expressing his client?s dissatisfaction with affairs at the Scottish League club, but denying there?s substance in the so-called ?rumours? circulating about his client?s reputed suddenly-acquired affinity for the Black Country and all who sail in it.

And Finally?. We're eagerly awaiting our club?s matchday sponsors? Goal Of The Month contest for December. They normally pick four candidates from a list, then solicit punters for votes, but this month, the total choice consists of two ?oggies? and a tap-in from a defensive error. Should be interesting to hear the name of the eventual winner, then, won?t it?

 - Glynis Wright

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