The Diary

20 November 2004: Happiness Well Overdue At Highbury Library

It?s Highbury tomorrow, so let?s have a look at the old check-list and see whether everything?s in place for the trip. Library ticket? Yep. ?Silence Please? notices? All AOK. Sticky tape to put over our gobs whilst we?re in the ground? Right there. Notebook and pen so we can make our requirements perfectly clear to the Arsenal stewards without stirring any of their own supporters from their usual matchday torpor? Yep, at the bottom of our bag. Plus, not forgetting of course, a great big wodge of paper hankies for our use come the final whistle! And backache pills for poor Houlty, of course. Something tells me both he and us Dick Eds are going to be in great need of such items before tomorrow?s finished.

At least the weather promises to hold up pretty well for our forthcoming encounter with Wenger?s lot. It wouldn?t have been at all nice to see us get thrashed in an icy blizzard backed by a stinging east wind emanating from Siberian regions. Sunny is the forecast, apparently, and should tomorrow?s clime turn out to be as lovely as today?s, then I won?t argue that much, really. Mind you, tonight I was nattering to my sister, who has just returned from Tenerife; by all accounts, we had much better weather here than they did there, incessant rain and howling winds being their lot for most of their 7-day stay on the island. Oh yes, and just to round things off nicely for them, they had their suitcases searched for illegal drugs on their return to Brum Airport. My sister a suspected drug-pusher? Blimey, that?s one for the books; the strongest substance she ever ingests these days is Strongbow cider.

Freezing cold temperatures have also been the lot of The Fart tonight, who, along with Radio WM sports presenter Paul Franks, did such sterling service outside the Mailbox drumming up donations for Children In Need. According to our elderly chum, Franksie appeared in drag this evening; must have been a sight to behold, that one, what with Paul being 6 feet 6 inches tall, and built like a brick outhouse with it. Our presenter-chum was, according to the old reprobate, dressed in a long slinky number with a bum-side slit running the entire vertical length of the garment. Add a pair of rather fetching three-inch heel ladies shoes, plus enough slap on his face to keep an entire string of supermodels going for a fortnight, all finished off with a massive coiffured wig, and you?ve got one hell of a sight, whichever way you care to look at it! In fact it wouldn?t surprise me at all to discover Franksy?s still fending off amorous advances even now!

Returning to matters Albion once more, what is there to say about tomorrow?s destination? The club itself was formed in October 1886, and had the name of Dial Square. Why? That was the name of a workshop at the Woolwich Arsenal, the place where great heaps of heavy guns and shells were made for the benefit of the British Army, which was, at that time, pretty much scattered all over the world, upholding the rule of the British Empire, and all that. (The music-hall song that gave rise to the expression ?jingoism? was very popular about then). And near to the aforementioned square was a sundial, in quiet repose. Some accounts have it that from that sprang the notion of The Clock End.

Strange as it may seem, the club was first kicked into life by some ex-Nottingham Forest players; not long after its formation, it was decided to change the name once more to that of the parent arsenal. I?m also given to understand that at one point in the club?s early history, there were serious plans afoot to merge with Fulham, but that one fell through. You might also care to argue that in their own way, The Arse sprang up in similar circumstances to our own favourite football club, inasmuch as our lot were initially formed from George Salter employees. Just change ?Woolwich Arsenal? to ?West Bromwich Strollers?, and you?ve got pretty much the same situation. Changing its name to the present one in 1915, it?s a club that?s never suffered relegation from the top-flight, ever, and given the massive stash it now enjoys, I really can?t see that situation altering in my lifetime. Can You? Oh ? and one other thing. Arsenal (the club, players, etc.) played a sizable role in a Thirties cinematic crime thriller called, imaginatively enough, ?The Great Arsenal Stadium Mystery?. Sad to relate, though, despite all that exposure on British cinema screens, The Gunners playing and coaching staff were never invited to the USA to partake in any of Hollywood?s Oscar awards ceremonies!

With an illustrious background like that to contend with, you won?t be too surprised to learn that the parent arms factory had quite a chequered history when it was a going concern. Founded to assist the navy in the 1500?s by Henry the Eighth (when he wasn?t having the heads of his many missuses chopped off, of course!), the earliest surviving buildings date from 1696, when a facility for making ammo was first built, and the Royal Brass Foundry, needed to cast artillery, added in 1717. The arsenal expanded greatly from then on in, and was still in use come the end of the second world war.

Surplus to requirements now, following a Government threat to demolish the place after it effectively closed during the mid 20th century, a preservation order was quickly slapped on most of it, and there are now plans afoot to develop the place as a tourist attraction in the near future. Also in the same vicinity is what used to be the Royal Military Academy before the present one at Sandhurst came on the scene. In more recent times, comparatively speaking, pre-war, the place was used to train officers for the more technically-oriented corps and arms of the Army eg. The Royal Artillery, Royal Signals, Royal Engineers, the place then rejoicing in the nickname of ?The Shop?.

Interestingly enough, the Arsenal site also has a history that pre-dates Tudor times, even. Excavations in 2000 revealed a late Roman cemetery lurking quietly underneath, as these things tend to do. Late, as in ?200 years late?, not? late for the funeral?, if you get my drift. Over 140 pagan graves have been excavated thus far, and whilst no human remains survived, coffin and body stains most certainly did. Ugh. Some 25% of the burials included artefacts, notably pottery vessels, shale, and copper alloy buttons, bracelets, glass beads and glass vessels. Other pre-arsenal features excavated included ancient foundations, ditches, pits and a medieval double flued, tile built pottery kiln. Any signs of early-Christian Gallic gaffers with an unshakable belief their side/players can do no wrong whatever the circumstances? Or, for that matter, senior proconsuls sporting red and white stripey woollen neck-garments over their togas? Not yet, but I?m sure the archaeologists are busily working on that one even as I write.

Famous folkies hailing from the area? Craig Fairbrass of both London?s Burning and East Enders fame. Ian Wright? Not only did he end up playing for the club, he was born right there in the ?real? Arsenal?s then military hospital. Truly a ?son of a gun?, then ? although that?s really a naval term dating from the days when wives and families were allowed to live on board ship as well. Ernest Bevin, Labour politician and trade union leader, was for quite a few years, MP for Woolwich. The famous ?Bevin Boys?, lads who were sent down the pits as an alternative to military service during Word War 2, were one of his many ideas. As was the famous Bevin report, that came out in the middle of the second conflict.

There?s also, in Woolwich, a rather colourful local gentleman, eccentric with it, who rejoices in the sobriquet ?Zorba The Greek?. His (obscure) claim to fame? He?s constantly obsessed with thoughts about a possible Russian attack, also for his unique interpretations of the Bible, which he lets loose upon an unsuspecting public from time to time. After trying to stage a strictly unofficial barbie ? indoors - which nearly ended up with him immolating himself in the flames (plus everyone else residing in the vicinity), the authorities then stepped in quick-smart to offer help. Another lad who grew up in the area was Boy George of Culture Club fame. Eccentric enough to live next door to Zorba? I reckon the jury?s still out on that one!

And tomorrow? Well, if I were you, I?d abandon all thoughts of actually getting something from tomorrow?s game right here and now. There can only be one possible outcome to tomorrow?s Highbury fun-fest, and that?s returning to the Black Country with our collective tails dangling between our legs. It?s not so much a case of ?are we going to lose?? it?s more ?by what margin will we lose by?? Even the Christians in the Coliseum had a better deal; at least they could throw themselves on the mercy of the crowd if they stuffed up versus all those big butch gladiators, and their metallic pointy things! Sadly, that facility is very much lacking in that part of London these days, so we?ll just have to hope our hosts decide to ?declare? cricket-style at half-time.

As far as the team news goes, Kanu?s got a groin strain ? I reckon I?d have brain-strain after a miss like last Sunday?s, never mind one ?down below? ? and may be doubtful because of that, but after five successful years with The Gunners, I would have thought he?d be literally busting a gut to be playing against his erstwhile colleagues once more. Especially as reports suggest former mates Patrick Viera, Kolo Toure and Lauren have been ringing him to have an almighty snigger about what happened last Sunday. Oh ? and should you be feeling in a suitably ?kamikaze? mood, or unable to remove the rose-coloured tint from your spectacles, Kanu is currently being quoted by the bookies as 210 to 1 to score in an Albion one-nil win tomorrow! Any takers? That doubt concerning the fitness of our Nigerian striker apart, everyone else seems to be in disgustingly-glowing health, including The Great Zoltan and Our Tim, who were both involved in international games during the week.

But ? get this. Some reports suggest Wenger might be in the clutches of a midfield crisis tomorrow, what with Gilberto getting crocked and everything, which might mean him having to chuck a still-wet-behind-the lugholes Francesc Fabregas in at the sharp end. He?s only 17, apparently, but is a Spanish under-21 and well able to take care of himself, so not much hope of any of ours successfully pulling off any old pros? stunts on the lad, is there? Mind you, such is the great quality and quantity of players at Highbury, I?m sure Wenger will have very few problems filling up any possible gaps in the ranks.

As far as the game?s concerned, Robson?s been saying we?ve got to stop leaking goals ASAP. A statement that really does beg the question, ?precisely how do you stop a footballing juggernaut such as Wenger?s lot?? I?m still getting flashbacks from the last time they turned us over in that midweek game early in our inaugural Premiership career. Right now, stopping Arsenal at their place is about as practical a proposition as trying to stop a supertanker by standing immediately in front of it, then yelling to the captain to slam his anchors on and be nippy about it. Or, if you like, standing on a railway line with a whopping great Inter-City 125 coming at you at a rate of knots ? it simply can?t be done. Oh well ? I?m going to wear my ?pragmatic hat? for this one, and predict a heavy defeat for us, about four or five goals in arrears come the final whistle. Any other outcome would be a distinct bonus as far as I?m concerned.

And finally?.. More embarrassing publicity for a local car-clamping firm courtesy yours truly tonight. Remember my recent sad tale about the guy who parked up about a mile from the ground for one game, then on his return discovered his jam-jar had been towed away and needed around ?350 quid to pay to get the blasted thing released from durance vile in Brum? Well, as I suspected, the clampers were acting illegally, and thanks to the good offices of the E and S, to whom I passed the paperwork, they?ve been made to look a tad silly tonight. I?m also happy to announce the guy?s got his dosh back once more, so the problem didn?t need to go to those daft-looking blokes in curly wigs and funny looking tights after all! Two-nil to me thus far this week? You got it.

 - Glynis Wright

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