The Diary

06 November 2004: Albion - A Real Banger, Tomorrow, Or A Damp Squib?

?Remember, remember, the fifth of November, gunpowder, treason and plot?. Well, that?s what the old playground song says, and as I casually gaze out of our ?office? window tonight, it seems to me pretty much the whole of Sandwell has taken that mediaeval homily very much to heart. Either that, or someone out there?s putting on a pretty convincing imitation of Baghdad on a bad night. Venture out of doors, as I did earlier this evening, and the sulphurous smell of spent fireworks admixed with the acrid pong of burning wood pervades your nostrils and eyes the moment you hit the street. And do people realise precisely what they?re celebrating, here? A conspiracy to plant explosives underneath our foremost legislative chamber, which was foiled in the nick of time, and the perpetrators hung, drawn and quartered. Not necessarily in that order, as I understand it. And all that after a torture session that made what goes on at Guantanamo Bay occupational therapy, comparatively speaking. Yuk. Hang on a minute, though - the way the current lot?s performing, you might want to argue Guy Fawkes And Co had the right idea after all!

As a spectacle, such an abundance of richly-coloured pyrotechnics makes for enchanting viewing, especially if you happen to be around six or seven years of age, but at my time of life, all I can think of right now is the sheer amount of air pollution the whole thing?s going to cause. That, plus a certain regret at seeing thousands of pounds literally go up in smoke right before my eyes. Money that could find a much more worthwhile home, I reckon. Like mine? And another thought. Is it me, or are Bonfire Nights becoming distinctly warmer affairs these days? When I was of an age to fully appreciate such flash-bang treats, frosty nights were de rigeur for the occasion; a perfect excuse to shove potatoes and the like into the embers of the fire, then leave them to bake for an hour or so. Then scoff, with well-frozen fingers, the butter-slathered and carbohydrate-rich results. Not any more, it would seem; as I write, the outside temperature?s around ten centigrade. Not ?comfort food? level at all. And as for the fireworks, what I see outside is nothing to what we?re going to get should we fail to get anything from tomorrow?s trip to St. Mary?s, I reckon.

The problem, of course, is we have still to appoint a new manager. The front-runner for the post is Glenn Hoddle, still, but I do sincerely hope that Spurs losing their own gaffer today is a distraction, nothing more. As I understand it, the last time Hoddle was at White Hart Lane, it all ended in tears, something that wouldn?t auger particularly well with Spurs should he suddenly elect to chuck his hat into that ring, and leave us in the lurch. Mind you, some of the media reckon Hoddle?s already stalling with us over the proposed contract terms; Albion want him to take a three year deal, but ?yer man? doesn?t want to commit to that extent. If that?s right ? and I?m not saying it?s gospel for one moment ? then I for one would be deafened by the loud ?clang? of alarm bells ringing in my lugholes. And, I hope, the board. Sure, bar the ?poaching club? having to pay us a hefty wodge of compo, there?s chuff-all to prevent him walking away from The Hawthorns if a ?better ?ole? subsequently heaved into view, but demonstrating from the outset a certain willingness to commit to the cause in writing, and for a very long time indeed, would be a great relief for many supporters. This one included, of course.

The other bit of hot gossip today revolves around Scott Dobie possibly going to Preston for ?750K. As I understand it, the fee?s ?500K up front, 250K should the Lancashire club get promoted to the Prem, and a 15% sell-on clause on top. Scott, though, has said he needs the weekend to think it over properly, which is perfectly understandable. I have seen a fair bit of criticism of the decision to sell voiced via the mailing-list, but as far as I?m concerned, it?s a bloody good deal, and far more moolah received for him than I would have thought. Was the move Jeremy Peace?s decision alone, was Frank kept in the loop as well, and if not, why not?

There?s been a fair amount of debate surrounding this issue today. Personally, I would have thought The Unfeasibly Large Cap And ?Tache would have been consulted on this one, if only through common courtesy, but you never really know about these things until well after the event. Now where have I come across this sort of thing before? The head of a very large organisation allegedly diving in head first without getting soundings from expert colleagues about possible snags and/or repercussions? Sound familiar? Yep - not only does Jeremy talk (and possibly think!) like a senior Labour politician, if all this conjecture about Dobes and who orchestrated the move is correct, right now, our chairman?s acting very much like Tony Blair does with his own Cabinet! Which is where I came in, really - where?s Guy Fawkes when you really need him?

To be perfectly fair to the guy, us Baggies should remember that the season we got to the Promised Land for the first time of asking, Scott?s early-doors goals were very much instrumental in helping take us there. The following Premiership term, he was our top scorer, and was picked to play for Scotland also. The problem was, although he had great pace up front, was an honest professional, and always gave of his best for the cause, his progress and maturity as a player seemed to grind to a juddering halt around the time of that first promotion, and the few occasions he?s been in the side since haven?t exactly set the world on fire, either.

His last goal for the club at first-team level was at Goodison, a few weeks back ? and I?m not altogether sure it wasn?t going in anyway. A great shame if he goes, as he was such a likeable, genuine person off the pitch, too self-effacing to conform to the stereotypical image of a professional footballer, really. If I were Dobes, now the offer?s on the table, I?d be off like a shot. The Nationwide, or whatever it?s called right now, would give him the perfect opportunity to get that shattered career back on course once more. Bang in a few goals for Preston, baksin some genuine adulation for once, and that currently-subterranean self-esteem level of his would positively skyrocket.

And what of our prospects tomorrow? It goes without saying that this game?s just as important to the South Coast side as it is for us. Stuff up in similar manner to Palace, and it?s six points down the suff, pretty much. New manager in situ or not, an adverse result tomorrow would pretty much place us in the doo-doo, with little prospect of getting out, either. As far as the home side are concerned, the news is Kevin Phillips returns from a calf strain and will partner Dexter Blackstock or Brett Ormerod. Defender Jelle van Damme is fit to resume at left back, but Fabrice Fernandes is still sidelined by a hamstring strain. As for our finest, Darren Purse is back from that long suspension of his, of course, but more worryingly, The Great Zoltan has now gone down with a stomach upset, and may not make the starting line-up. As he represents the sole spark of creativity we currently seem to have in the side, to lose his services for this one would be a heavy blow indeed. Our other injury worry is The Horse, who has a knackered fetlock to contend with. As Dobes is still pondering about the Preston move, don?t expect to see him on the bench, either.

To my mind, the worst thing we can possibly do tomorrow is just sit back and defend. To get anything whatsoever out of this fixture, we?ve got to really run at them, and right from the word ?go?. Watching them on the box recently, I wasn?t all that impressed with what they had at the back; take the battle to them, and I suspect before too long, their red and white striped Wall Of Jericho would come tumbling down in an almighty heap. Trouble is, Frank Burrows is seemingly so set in his defensive ways, I really can?t see him suddenly espousing the cause of attacking football to that extent away from home. If I?m wrong, I?ll stand corrected, of course, but that?s the way it appears to me right now.

Of one thing I am certain, though; it sure as hell is going to be a turbulent game tomorrow; no surprise, really, considering what?s at stake. Think ?Battle Of The Somme? and you?re on the right lines. Tell you what, I?ll be a tad impetuous, and go for a narrow win, ooh, about one-nil, I reckon. Not that my predictive ability?s ever likely to warrant a frantic phone call from the British Psychical Research Society; my record in that area to date?s on a par with a kamikaze pilot deliberately crashing and burning, but this time, maybe, just maybe, the lads will want to give Frank a good send-off, and what better way to do that than by registering our first win on the road this term?

Take former Albion favourite John Trewick ? ?I?ve bent balls around better walls than that!? ? back to Southampton, and he?d have a field day. The town?s history goes back to Saxon times, which is where the JT reference comes in; many of its medieval walls are well-preserved, and no less than 13 out of 29 of its towers still stand today. Prior to that, as you might expect, the Romans were pretty big in those parts. They stayed for around 400 years, when they were booted out by those naughty Saxons. The Vikings, too, were frequent visitors. No, not the sort of Vikings we saw at Reading, the genuine article. And guess what ? the infamous King Canute was crowned there. Sadly, history doesn?t record whether the tide was in or out at the time.

Southampton has also been one of Britain's foremost seaports for around 1,000 years. How come? Because, right from the start, nearby Winchester was the English capital then, so the sea-port thing came in very handy indeed. The French had a go at the place during the Hundred Years War, and the damage caused was reputedly on a Dingle-like scale. Around 1348, around one in three were bumped off by the Black Death, and later still, The Mayflower parked itself in the port prior to going off to what is now America. The port first developed properly during the Middle Ages, and the docks played their part right up until World War 2, when they were heavily bombed, along with the city.

It was also the home of many famous shipping companies and liners, including the Queen Mary, Queen Elizabeth, and the Q.E.2, but is probably best known as the port from which the fateful Titanic sailed in April 1912. There is a Black Country connection here; all the anchor chains for the doomed liner were forged at Noah Hingley?s steel-works in Netherton, and bloody huge they were, too. Aviation has also played a large part in Southampton's history. R.J. Mitchell developed the Spitfire there, and the Solent was also the birthplace of the Princess flying boats. Until the 1960?s, despite its importance as a seaport, the place still only had town status, but that small omission was finally rectified in 1964, when Our Liz granted Southampton ?city status?.

Famous Southampton people? The Rev. Isaac Watts was born there on July 17th, 1674, famous as a hymn writer and author, he wrote "O God, Our Help In Ages Past", amongst others. He died on November 25th, 1748; whether or not it was at the hands of someone who didn?t like his music, I wouldn?t really like to speculate. And there was Benny Hill, the comedian, whose show, very visual, and outwardly very sexist indeed, failed to thrive in these more politically-correct times, although the format did manage to successfully cross the Atlantic. He was famous, also, for writing ?Ernie, The Fastest Milkman In The West?, a comedy record that hit the top of the charts in the early seventies. He died a very lonely man indeed, by all accounts.

And then there was Ken Russell. Who? Aw, you know, the guy who wrote ?The Devils?, the controversial 1971 film that depicted nuns doing some very naughty things indeed with themselves. Ken also made ?Women in Love? which featured a naked wrestling scene between Oliver Reed and Alan Bates. Another film of his, Tommy, included stars like Elton John and Tina Turner, and told the story of a deaf, dumb and blind kid who becomes a pinball wizard. And the music, written by The Who, is still the canine?s dooh-dahs as far as I?m concerned! And there was Ade Edmonson, one of the guys in The Young Ones. And, with Rick Mayall, one half of the unspeakable duo that comprised the characters of ?Bottom?. Plus, last but not least, a guy whose claim to fame is standing outside River Island in the town centre and ?performing? with the aid of an accordion and some life-size models of the Tellytubbies! No, I don?t know why either.

And finally?. I read today that The Dingles have had no less than a hundred applications for the vacant managerial job there. Now let me see, once you?ve chucked out all the ones written in crayon, and all those in green ink, sent for The Bomb Squad to check the more bulky-looking applications, allowed for errors of grammar and punctuation, discounted the many written on prison notepaper, and so forth ? erm ? there?s not all that much left to look at, really, is there?

 - Glynis Wright

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