The Diary

24 September 2004: A Toon Doom Tomorrow?

Right, then. I?ve looked in our garden shed, and dug out all our heavy-duty ropes, crampons, cold-weather gear, and ice-picks, not to mention those all-essential oxygen cylinders. And high-energy snacks for use at the summit, courtesy The Fart, who, although he?s no mountaineer, is a Cadbury pensioner, and can be relied upon to keep us in heavy-duty carbs and glucose the whole length of the game. We?ve brought in Sherpa Tensing for mountaineering lessons, and practised on a nearby multi-storey block of flats, much to the annoyance of the residents ? and having conquered both our vertigo, and the symptoms of incipient altitude sickness, we Dick Eds now feel fully confident of making the ascent of the North Face of St. James?s Park without the worry of possible anoxia creeping up on us!

To be perfectly honest with you, I can?t think of another ground anywhere that?s quite like Newcastle?s place. Not only is it situated at the summit of a hill that dominates the entire city, the height of the away end has to be seen to be believed. For those fit enough to go the whole distance, there?s no less than 17 flights of stairs (225 steps, according to Laraine Astle last night!) to be negotiated to get to the top. Wimps like this column simply wave their walking aids at the nearest steward, and get directed to the lift. It?s no exaggeration when I say that to truly appreciate what?s going on far below, you need high-powered binoculars. I really must remember to bring mine this time round! The view from the top - of not only the city but the surrounding countryside ? is absolutely stunning. Should we be losing heavily, which is all-too likely, sadly, I know where my binoculars will be trained.

It?s looking as though the side will be back to its normal (well, whatever passes for normal these days) self after the embarrassing Colchester debacle a few evenings ago. Kanu, Robert Earnshaw, Jonathan Greening, Andy Johnson and Darren Purse should all be OK for tomorrow; it also looks as though Russell Hoult is set to return after his dicky tum problems, while Clem returns from suspension, but Paul Robinson, whose knee is still dodgy, isn?t really a ?goer?. Meggo has said he will continue to leave it to the players to decide our penalty taker, despite Robert Earnshaw's awful penalty miss against Fulham last Saturday. Interestingly enough, tonight, on the way to my usual pow-wow with my stepmother, I caught a bit of former Dingle Kenny Hibbitt talking on local radio; he knew Our Earnie from when he was at Cardiff, and reckoned he?d soon get over whatever ailed him when taking that spot-kick. Rates him very highly, in fact. Let?s hope he?s right.

The outcome of this game, of course, could well determine Megson?s future employment at the club. According to one source, he?s 11/10 on to be the next Prem gaffer to get the push. Despite all the denials issuing forth from Planet Albion today, there?s got to be something going on behind the scenes. I can?t say I?m all that confident of getting any sort of a result against Graham Souness?s men tomorrow afternoon. This is their first home league game since the new gaffer took over, and they are on a bit of a run themselves. Is it three wins on the bounce, now?

After all the trouble surrounding the departure of Bobby Robson recently, The Toon lads will be looking to impress the new gaffer, big-time. And, more importantly, arguably, The Gallowgate End, whose potential for mob justice beats an ancient Roman Coliseum audience hands down. Or should that be ?thumbs down?? Sorry, but I can only see grief and heartache ahead, so it?s with real regret I?ve predicted a 3-0 walloping tomorrow. That?s putting a brave face on it; I suspect the final tally will be worse. The ref, according to one website I?ve checked with, is a chap called Mark Riley. Not a name that rings a bell with me, but I?m open to offers. One last thought - it was very unsporting, to say the least, of one Newcastle website to recommend giving poor Bernt Hass (named today to be in the Swiss party for their World Cup qualifier with Israel next month) the bird purely because he played for Sunderland before heeding the siren call of the Black Country!

It?s also goodbye, today, to James Chambers, who is off to Watford for 250K, 75K down, and the rest in add-ons. He?s signed a three-year deal with them after impressing during a recent loan spell. I?ll be sorry to see the lad go, as I reckon he wasn?t used to his full capabilities whilst at the club, or, to be more specific, under the present manager, but at least moving to Watford will now give him the chance to get some serious first team football under his belt. According to reports, he?ll go straight into their side tomorrow.

I remember him as a young player, and he was quite a nice lad, always seeming to have time for supporters. He deserves better, which is why I?m delighted he?s got the move. On a more encouraging note, the local rag reports that our sushi-signing Inamoto has now got his first training session for the club over and done with, and it looks all systems ?go? for a first team blooding in the fullness of time. He?s a bit rusty after that long lay-off, the session only lasted 20 minutes, apparently, but the general view is he?ll make swift progress. Let?s hope so ? right now, we need all the help we can get.

We all know what Newcastle is principally famous for; the Angel Of The North, The Tyne Bridge, the ?Winking Eye? bridge, The Great North Run (which takes place the day after our game) and so forth, but tonight, I thought I?d go off the beaten track a little.

That?s why I?ve researched a Newcastle-related piece for all you Baggie music buffs out there (and those that aren?t!). Northumberland, of which Newcastle was formerly a part, has not just one but two unique musical instruments, both of which are types of bagpipe. The first is the Northumbrian small-pipes, which are often just simply called the Northumbrian pipes. The second instrument is the slightly larger Northumbrian half-long pipes, also known as Border pipes.The Northumbrian pipes are played by inflating the "bag" with bellows held under one arm (rather than by blowing into it, like the Scottish bagpipes) whilst the other arm is used to gently deflate the bag through the various "pipes" or chanters. The music is light, lilting and melodic; haunting, almost, when used as accompaniment to sad folk songs.

The second instrument, unique to Northumberland, is the slightly larger Northumbrian half-long pipes, also known as Border pipes. These produce a stronger, more robust sound than the small-pipes, but are still nothing like the Scottish bagpipes, which, to some, sound more like the noise made by a scalded cat, and are better appreciated outside! Even Shakespeare was deprecatory of them in one of his plays. Another odd fact, and chucked in just because I felt like it: Moseley Street, in the centre of Newcastle, was the first in the world to have electric street lighting!

Famous Novocastrians? Lots, so here?s a selection. For starters, try George Stephenson, of ?Rocket? fame, who was born in a village as near to Geordieland as dammit. Even when George was fourteen years old, he worked with his father at a coal mine. That was how the little shaver learned how to make steam engines and other machines for the mine ? and you all know what that led to, don?t you?

William George Armstrong, 1st Baron Armstrong (1810-1900) was originally launched on a career in law. However, his major interest was in engineering. In 1840, he invented a hydraulic engine, following it up with other electrical and labour-saving devices, including the hydraulic crane. In 1847, he founded the Elswick works at Newcastle, to produce various electrical devices and engines. The Armstrong breech-loading gun was one of his more successful developments, and in 1882 the works also began building ships. In 1897, the firm merged, later becoming Vickers Armstrong Ltd. His company was also famous for the production of heavy armaments, used in the Crimean War, the American Civil War ? by both sides, would you believe? ? and the First World War. Talk to The Fart nicely, and he?ll tell you all about ?em!

Moving on rapidly in time, we have The Animals. Who? Oh, you poor missed?out Baggies, you! They were an early Sixties Tyneside pop group whose roots lay very much in soul music; at the beginning of their chart career, lead vocalist Eric Burdon?s gravelly voice was about the nearest thing to a black singer?s I?ve ever heard. Just listen to ?House Of The Rising Sun.? and you?ll see what I mean. It sounds as though the track was made in someone?s bathroom, no expensive session musicians and so forth, as is the norm these days. I don?t think they even rehearsed the song before putting it in the can, but Burdon?s voice and the oh-so simple backing still sounds as gritty, raw and exciting to me now as it did when the song first hit the charts some forty years ago. Even today, it still has the power to send shivers down my spine every time I hear it.

Alan Price, a keyboard man with the group, left not long afterwards, and subsequently found fame of his own, some of his more memorable hits being The House That Jack Built, and The Jarrow Song. Other famous Tyneside bods? There?s the gruesome Tyneside twosome, Ant and Dec, much seen on TV these days, some would say ?unfortunately?, and Sting, once of the Police, and now a solo bird; he seems more interested in rainforests and conservation of late, but then again, we?ve been largely spared his voice as a result, so who am I to argue?

Another lot of memorable Geordies were Lindisfarne, famous in the Seventies for ?Meet Me On The Corner?, a tale of Tyneside depression. A plaintive lament, sure, but nothing to what was experienced come the Eighties and Thatcherism. Oh, and the unforgettable (and slightly-naughty) ?Fog On The Tyne?.

And finally?.. It was interesting to read today that scientists have now perfected a vaccine to prevent sheep breaking wind (bowdlerised version). Methane gas is one of the biggest causes of greenhouse gas emissions there is, apparently, and the egg-heads reckon this particular ovine injection is the bees-knees at preventing woolly-backs committing such foul deeds. Let?s hope they perfect a human version pretty quickly, so I can try it out on Albion?s very own public menace, the elegant, lovely (but very flatulent) Brooksie!

 - Glynis Wright

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