The Diary

11 September 2004: Meggo - Tabloid Tittle-Tattle, Or More?

Oooooh, I dunno. I tarry away from these parts for just a few days, and while I?m out of the Black Country, Rumour, bless its multitude of serpent tongues, lashes out in all directions, both publicly and otherwise concerning our manager and his ultimate destiny. The first I really knew of the alleged (new?) spat between Jeremy Peace and our leader (there had been broad hints printed elsewhere last Sunday) was when I opened today?s Daily Mirror, and saw the banner headlines in the nether reaches of the sports section. ?Pack Your Baggies? it shouted, in an inches-long font, and highly suggestive of Meggo and Peace finally splitting the blanket, it was, too. Not very encouraging, really ? but hang on a minute. Haven?t we been here before?

Just over a year ago, whilst at the ?Shareholders For Albion? meeting held shortly after our inaugural fall from grace, I heard our chairman come forth with some exceedingly-frank stuff, astonishing, even, about our leader, his way of doing things at the club, plus his probable fate should he not repent, elements of which the ?Mirror? intimated this morning, in fact. Privately, we gained the impression that Gary wasn?t long for the Albion world unless he pulled his socks up pretty quick-smart, and (Walsall apart, of course) had not results gone so well for him at the start of last season, then I really don?t think I?d be sitting here writing these words right now. It now seems that once more, our leader has greatly upset our chairman, who may have already decided, finally, Something Has To Be Done.

The Mirror?s story is clearly leaked, it?s all shadowy stuff, no direct quotes, of course, even the material about the so-called ?written warning? supposedly sent to him recently. Very reminiscent of the sort of skulduggery that?s considered routine in Westminster, these days, but that comes as no surprise to me, as I consider both men to be highly adept in the art of politics, dirty or otherwise. In fact, it wouldn?t faze me in the slightest to read pretty soon that one or the other had resigned ?to spend more time with my family?. Or, knowing the wiles and guiles of the fourth estate all-too well, could this all be just a figment of the journalistic imagination? Surely not - it?s very nebulous stuff on which to base a page wholly comprised of supposition and pointed suggestion. Even tabloid journalists have a code of ethics to follow, believe it or not, and should there be no substance to the story, I would have thought they would be sailing uncomfortably close to the wind, and heading rapidly for legal correspondence headed Messrs. Sue, Grabbit and Runne, even.

OK, discounting the ?manufactured? line, if it?s a leak (either on behalf of one or another of the parties, or via a third party connected with the club) and a delicately calculated one at that, the question still remains as to who?s the perpetrator of the foul deed. Megson? Could be: after all, hasn?t there been an absolute plethora of ?look at me, everyone? programmes about our leader on the box in recent months? First off, there was the Adrian Chiles documentary, the ?day in the life? thing, then there was that guest appearance on the ?Frank Skinner Show? during Euro 2004. All designed to put him firmly in the showcase ? assuming he wanted to be in that position, of course - and all poles apart from the normal sort of relationship he has with the TV people. If I'd wanted to be noticed nationally, I couldn?t think of a better way of doing it.

Jeremy Peace? Clearly, if what we?ve heard is to be believed, he?s sorely riled by his manager?s somewhat disconcerting habit of speaking to the press indelicately about club matters. The trouble is, though (and it?s something he alluded to at the S4A meeting previously mentioned), he?s on a sticky wicket, purely and simply because of the complete reverence in which The Blessed Gary is held by a significant proportion of Baggies. Sack him, and there could be one hell of an uproar on his hands, so why not prepare the battleground beforehand by simply briefing against him? It?s a ploy much used in Parliamentary circles these days: just ask former Labour luminaries like Mo Mowlam just how low people can go when they?ve truly got it in for you. Having said that, I can?t believe our chairman would be so na?ve as to embark on a ruthless campaign to shift our manager from his pedestal without someone lined up as a replacement. If JP is the source of the leak, perhaps there might be something after all in what a Baggie told us at the ground today; that Meggo was headed for Ewood Park, and Mark Hughes was headed for Junction one of the M5? As I remarked earlier, rumour has a viper-tongue, and with but a little assistance, can lash out in some very strange directions indeed.

As for Meggo himself, if he?s so set on going, if he?s the one behind the smelly stuff, despite the tabloid?s assertion there would be plenty of bidders should he become a free agent, where is the supposed queue of Prem chairmen champing at the bit for the fight over his services? Thus far this season, three managers at this level have walked, for one reason or another, and many names have been in the frame as possible replacements ? Hughes, Bruce, Curbishley, O?Leary, Strachan, Allardyce, even, are some - but nowhere have I seen Gary?s name in lights, not in the nationals, at any rate. Sure an ambitious First Division (sorry, Championship!) club would lap him up like gravy, as he?s well-proven in his ability to take a side up with sod all in the way of resources, but the main factor mitigating against Meggo getting a plum Prem post right now is his perceived lack of top-flight nous; one blighted promotion does not a managerial reputation make, sadly. If the Mirror?s account is to be believed, the crunch will come should we not win any of our next three games, versus Liverpool, Fulham or Newcastle. Mind you, it?s no good asking Jeremy Peace himself for a quote right now ? I?m given to understand he?s currently stuck in Jamaica, and thanks to the best efforts of Hurricane Ivan, is probably clinging to the nearest palm tree for dear life, and in no fit condition to make a comment on anything! Whoever is behind the leak, though, the final denouement of the plot will surely come in but a few short weeks; we live in interesting times indeed.

Tomorrow, our Merseyside tour continues with a visit to the place that, in happier times, struck feelings of fear and awe into the hearts of most top-rate professionals ? Anfield. Not wishing to hide their lights beneath a bushel, the club themselves perpetuated this myth of total invincibility with a smidgen of good old-fashioned psychological warfare ? sticking a huge ?THIS IS ANFIELD? sign prominently above the door leading to the tunnel and the lush green swath of the pitch. This might have worked in the eighties, or the nineties, even, but come the new century, and the advent of Man United, Arsenal, and Chelsea onto the scene, the old club just ain?t what it was, sadly. Even the mighty Kop were a travesty of their former glory the last time we plied our trade there, some two seasons ago; somewhere, in a distant realm of which we know nothing, the spirits of Scouse dockers long departed must constantly rail mightily against the seeming torpitude into which their life?s love has fallen of late. Probably explains the rash of inclement weather they?ve been having on Merseyside of late. Because of their recent seeming decline, much has been said about an Albion win tomorrow, but I wouldn?t bank on it. Even in their current enfeebled state, comparatively speaking, The Reds can still pack an almighty punch, and I suspect we?ll be rather lucky to come home with even a point to show for our troubles. Sorry, and all that, but I've got no alternative but to put down a damning 'one-nil against' for the predictions comp.

As for personnel tomorrow, it might be our new signings (or at least those who aren?t still in Japan!) might be given a run out. At wing-back, will it be a Robinson-Scimeca combo, or will Contra take over the role on the right instead? Additionally, will we see the return of Jason Koumas from suspension, finally? If so, that should give our midfield that extra touch of class so sorely lacking at Goodison last time out. I presume also the inclusion of JK will mean curtains for AJ, who seems to have found the higher sphere rather tough of late. Up front, now the Horse has presumably recovered from what ailed him, so our leader will be posed something of a selection dilemma: does he stick with what he?s managed with, to date, or does he chuck Earnie ?The Fastest Forward In The West? (no awful Benny Hill impersonations, please, I couldn?t cope with it!) straight in at the deep end along with former Gunner Kanu? Normally, I?d be happy for us to go for it, but as ?Im Indoors reminded me today, the last time Earnie and probable marker Hypia crossed swords on the international scene, the latter had the former right in his pocket, so to speak. In view of that, perhaps it might be wiser to keep our new secret weapon up our sleeves and on the bench, in case of dire emergency, or a basket-load of goals against, whichever you prefer.

?Same old Scousers ? Always thieving!?.? How many times have you heard (or sung?) that chant, and how many times have you ever wondered precisely how the locals acquired their peculiar monicker? The name, I mean, not the nicking habit. As you might have guessed already, in keeping with that city?s strong nautical traditions, the word derives from ?labscouse?, a sailor's (very likely a Norwegian sailor?s) dish of stewed meat, vegetables, and ship's biscuit, not unlike the present-day Irish stew. A cheap belly-filler, in short, just like good old Black Country Grorty Dick. In Norway, even today, a dinnertime delight called ?Lapp Skews,? stewed strips of reindeer meat, a name not all that far from ?labscouse?, when you come to think about it, is still a very popular dish. Because of the culinary connection, ?lobscouser? very quickly became a slang name for a sailor hailing from those parts, and it didn?t take very long after that before he word Scouser came to refer to a native of Liverpool, (the city where they ate ?scouse?, geddit?) and Scouse came to mean also the dialect spoken by those living in and around the Mersey. And, just to show how nice I am, looking after the ?inner man? so to speak, here?s a recipe you can try for yourself!

SCOUSE (Or ?Labscouse? to give it its ?proper? name!)

INGREDIENTS

Serves 4-6 people

Half a pound of Stewing Steak

Half a pound of lambs breast

A large onion

1lb of carrots

5lb of potatoes

2 Oxo cubes (I?m not sure what the Antipodean equivalent of these popular UK beef stock cubes are ? any suggestions?)

2 teaspoons of vegetable oil

Worcester sauce

Salt and pepper

Water

HOW TO COOK (Takes 4 hours of slow cooking, so have a good book to hand while you do it!)

Cut the meat into large cubes and fry in the vegetable oil until lightly browned all over. Add some Worcester sauce at this point if you want for added flavour.

Transfer the meat to a large saucepan and add the onion, chopped into large chunks. Chop the carrot into rounds and place this on the meat. Peel and then finely dice 1lb of the potatoes and place on top of the carrots. Fill the pan with cold water until it is half full. Break up the Oxo cubes and sprinkle into the water. Add salt and pepper for seasoning. Let the pan simmer gently, stirring occasionally. The large pieces of onion will start to break up and the potato will become soft and will make the final sauce thick.

Simmer for a total of two hours, then add the remaining potatoes, previously peeled and roughly chopped, along with a few more ?glugs? of Worcester sauce. Then simmer for another two hours. Serve piping hot with red cabbage, beetroot, pickled onions and crusty bread. For the authentic Scouse touch, add ketchup and HP for additional flavouring.

WARNING! After ingesting the stuff in quantity, you may find yourself talking in that distinctive nasal twang they have up there and developing also an unhealthy predilection for car hub-caps and dodgy stuff shiftily-flogged in dubious-looking pubs. Should this happen to you, the writer of this column wishes it to be known that she bears no responsibility whatsoever for the transformation, although should the link between the vendor and the real owner of the property be extremely tenuous, improvable in a court of law, even, then she might just be willing to do business with you!

And Finally?.. Two observations for tonight. One. When at our holiday home earlier this week, I witnessed one of the most remarkable sights I?ve ever seen; the spectacle of hundreds of geese using the nearby lake as an avian substitute for Heathrow Airport on their long migratory flight south. Down they came, flock after flock, until the entire lake?s surface was thick with them, then, after around half an hour, off they went once more, in waves, squadrons, a bit like World War 2 bombers, if you like. What puzzles me, though, is this: for quite a lot of those birds, that must have been their first ever long flight, so what drew them to our particular lake and nowhere else? Oh ? and while I think of it, one other thing. All these flocks of geese must have started from various points around the Midlands, independently of one another, so what told them all now was the right time to take flight? It couldn?t have been the weather, the whole country was baking in blistering-heat at the time, and not a hint of winter on the horizon anywhere. All those geese, all leaving the ground in a simultaneous cacophony of fluttery honking, and all making the long journey to sunnier climes, be it navigating by means of the earth?s magnetism or by landmarks familiar to older birds, no-one can say. It?s probably one of the oldest tricks Mother Nature has up her sleeve, and one even eminent scientists are totally unable to unravel to date, but for me, the puzzle still remains: Young geese, old geese, all at the beck and call of some mysterious signal to suddenly drop whatever they?re doing and simultaneously take flight ? now someone put me out of my misery and tell me how the hell they just KNOW?

Two. Much speculation in the press today about the discovery of methane gas on Mars. Some reckon it might be the result of almost-undetectable volcanic activity upon the Red Planet, while others postulate there might indeed be some primitive life-forms clinging desperately to whatever residual source of moisture remains on the Martian surface after all these years of atmospheric leak and bombardment by ultra-violet rays ? but I?ve got another, rather more alarming, theory. Remember when I told you about Steve Brookes, Albion?s flatus-emitting (and room-clearing) answer to the famous 19th century Gallic exponent of the (f)art, La Petomaine? Given that methane gas is a major component of such noxious emissions, just suppose he?s suddenly discovered a whole new line in holiday destinations? Never mind H.G. Wells and ?War Of The Worlds?, the so-called ?Martian Menace? might comprise something very much closer to home indeed, the East Stand, in fact. Be afraid, very afraid?..!

 - Glynis Wright

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