The Diary

16 August 2004: Baggies Above Man U Tonight - Kanu Believe It?

Welcome to the Koh-I-Noor Balti Emporium, onion bhajees, vegetable Balti, poppadoms, and confusing old-age pensioners a speciality! Don?t worry, I haven?t diversified into the field of far-eastern cuisine, it?s just that last night, on our way back from Blackburn, I decided to perpetrate a naughty little jape on The Fart?s good lady wife, Dot. Think ?Asian lady with very poor command of English insisting that they have an order for the above to be delivered to the Wills address? and you?ll get the general picture. And, while I was perpetrating my dastardly crime via the medium of our mobile phone, it was all ?Im Indoors could do to keep the Dickmobile on the road, so mirthful were his stifled giggles; as for what sort of noises were emanating from the back of the car when The Fart realised what I was up to ? well! Sadly, as I was trying like hell not to laugh myself, I couldn?t keep up the dissimulation, and eventually, had to come clean. When we finally dropped anchor outside Tel?s place, though, there was Dot, awaiting my presence, and threatening me with all sorts of retribution, mostly involving the insertion of strong cleaning materials into places unmentionable. And no, my (shouted from a safe distance!) peace offer of ? yes, you?ve guessed it ? onion bhajees, veggie Baltis, et. cetera went down with Dot like, well, a stale veggie Balti. All in all, I guess I was lucky not to have the wrong end of a frying pan land on a sensitive part of my nut!

Back to today, then. On the whole, I was pleased with media accounts of our Premiership debut, and I do get the impression that some journos may now be hastily revising their considered view we?re bound to drop like a stone. During that first half, certainly, we more than matched anything the Lancashire-based mob had to offer. And we held out most creditably after they effectively introduced four forwards into the fray during the course of the second half. When I spoke to West Brom-based postie and certified Rovers nut Kev Nolan tonight, he was most impressed with what we had on offer at Ewood yesterday, also with the quality of our support. Somewhat quieter than the last time we graced their ground, certainly ? well, I did point out that last time, we were simply, albeit somewhat noisily, sticking two fingers up to the Prem and everything that sailed in it! ? but impressive, none the less, he says.

Looking back on those sweat-ridden 90 minutes with the benefit of hindsight provided by the passage of 24 hours, I have to say that the more I think about Kanu and what he showed us he had to offer yesterday, the more I reckon we?ve signed an absolute gem. His control of the ball under sometimes very difficult circumstances was magnificent. If we can find a way of increasing the ammo supply in his direction, and get him some further striking assistance, I suspect we could well be turning more journalistic heads ere too long has elapsed. The return of Jason Koumas from suspension will also help, of course. Roll on the Liverpool fixture, that?s what I say.

You could also argue it?ll take a while for our players to become properly attuned to Kanu?s style of play. With the alleged exception of The Great Zoltan, they?re not mind-readers ? but that will come, given time. Tommy Gaardsoe? As I intimated yesterday, he seemed born to the job, looked as though he?d been defending at that level almost from birth, nonchalantly trailing umbilical cord in his wake, no doubt. Greening was a revelation out wide, Purse was comfortable at the back, Houlty his usual immaculate self, and the rest looked pretty much au fait with the change in status. And, as I said yesterday, we were actually playing football, going for goal, ball to feet, pass and move, in best Baggie tradition! Lovely stuff, although I did detect a reversion to old habits when under the cosh a little towards the end of the full span. No worries, though. If this is going to be the basis of our leader?s game-plan this time round, I, for one, won?t have any complaints. The Seals? Although we hear disturbing rumours they will be nearer to full strength than previously thought by the time next Sunday whirls around, I?ve a sneaking feeling in my water they won?t enjoy their visit to our place one little bit!

On to other matters, now, and while I?ll readily admit what I?m about to discuss only affects most Baggies on a marginal basis, it?s something we all ought to be aware of, simply because of the wider implications. What am I on about? Stewarding, that?s what, or, more to the point, stewarding of the worst kind, because there?s currently no accountability whatsoever for the dubious actions of the orange-coated legitimised thugs I?m about to mention. Let me explain further.

My first tale, the ?lesser? of two such incidents, occurred prior to the Reading game last season. The Baggie on the ?wrong end?? One of The Satanic Nurses (anonymous, for obvious reasons). OK, as they?ll freely admit themselves, they do like to have a laugh or three when travelling away, and this generally involves visiting a local pub beforehand and having a pint or two ? but never in excess, as, jesting in this column apart, they all have responsible jobs at the sharp end of the psychiatric sector of the NHS. Anyway, as those who travelled might recall, they all dressed up in Army combat gear on the day, and travelled to the Maj Stad as if they were going to storm the place with heavy artillery or something. That wasn?t the problem - in fact, on arrival, the Reading stewards were quite chatty as our chums forsook their transport for the nearest pub ? but when they returned, the very same steward our man had been nattering to refused the guy entrance through the turnstiles because he alleged our hero was drunk! What to do? Undaunted, our lad took himself to another part of the ground and purchased a black-market ticket, price ?50 ? but unfortunately, he was followed by the same steward, who stopped him getting through a different turnstile as well. And, no, he wasn?t in his cups at all ? he?d only had one pint, he told me, and I believe him.

That?s the first one. Now for the second tale, the more worrying of the two, which concerned not a Baggie, but a QPR follower, the ?Kick up The R?s? fanzine editor, Dave Thomas, who?s well-known to ?Im Indoors ? in fact, he?s been producing fanzines for much longer than us Dick Eds, starting way back in the mid-eighties. It was the last day of last season, and Rangers were playing Sheffield Wednesday, at Hillsborough. And what a day it was for Rangers, what with them clinching promotion that day, so naturally, Dave wanted to be there in the flesh, so to speak. What happened? This. Dave was outside, flogging fanzines, as is his wont before games, just like us, and, just like us, he packed up shortly before kick-off to go through the turnstiles. When he got there, though, the steward wouldn?t let him in. Why? Because he still had fanzines in his possession ? verboten, it seemed. So, Dave asked, what to do, then. Get rid of the things, he was told, which Dave dutifully did, chucking his bag over a handy hedge in the hope of retrieving his property after the final whistle. Having done that, Dave then returned, same turnstile, same steward, who then took his ticket - and pocketed it! As far as chummy was concerned, Dave didn?t have the necessary bit of paper in his possession, and now it was hidden in his pocket, there was no comeback whatsoever for poor Dave!

Quite distraught by now, Dave tried to complain to the usual suspects: as far as the police outside the ground were concerned, stewards had the absolute right to refuse entry, they said. Ticket? What ticket? Dave tried to complain to Wednesday, but their offices were closed; all watching the game, which had kicked off by then, of course. Dave then spoke to someone in Wednesday?s Police Post, and quite shocked they were, too, but as the stewarding at Hillsborough is contracted out to a private firm and there are no numbers whatsoever, or any identifying insignia at all, for that matter, displayed on their jackets, plus the fact it was impossible to pick the guy out anyway (shaven head, gorilla-features, get my drift?), they couldn?t help either.

No good complaining afterwards; what should have been one of the proudest moments of Dave?s supporting life ? and, like the day we got promotion, totally unrepeatable, of course - had been completely ruined by one orange-coated moron. When we related this to the other Dick Eds yesterday, one suggested suing Wednesday, but as the job was contracted out to others by them, and in the absence of identification, not to mention corroboration from witnesses, who the hell do you sue? In any case, the real world dictates that resorting to litigation is for showbiz stars and their like only, not for hard-up football supporters. That wasn?t the first time Dave and that stewarding firm had ?encountered? one another, by the way. On another ?memorable? occasion, at Sheffield United this time (at the time of the incident below, they employed the same firm) they went one better; not only did they chuck Dave out for the heinous crime of selling just one fanzine inside, they then proceeded to beat him up a treat outside!

What concerns me about this whole situation is that increasingly, football clubs, especially at our level, are contracting out their stewarding to private firms. Albion doesn?t at the moment, thank goodness; in fact, most of our own chaps in the orange jackets are all-round ?good eggs? ? but how long before they too make way for the private sector? Unlike the police, a public body, and therefore (theoretically, at least, although I do wonder, sometimes) accountable to the taxpayer, which means you and me, ultimately, private firms are not. Only to the whims and prejudices of their owners, it would seem. Coppers ? with notable and illegal exceptions, usually when it involves the wearing of riot gear ? have numbers prominently displayed on their shoulder epaulettes, and if PC Plod is naughty, he can then be brought to book for his sins. Quite a few private stewarding firms, the one described above included, don?t, therefore they?re not. Police Officers are also supposed to be recruited subject to meeting certain standards, which include passing an exhaustive criminal records check, and a weeding out, either beforehand, or in training, of officers shown to revel in unnecessarily aggressive behaviour, or signs of psychiatric imbalance. With some private firms, these ?basics? are overlooked, either accidentally or, in the case of the ?dodgier? end of the sector, cursorily. It?s the same old story; pay peanuts, and you get monkeys.

Complain to the media and for the most part they don?t want to know; as far as non-football match attending Joe Public?s concerned, all football supporters are a brainless hooligan problem waiting to happen therefore, should someone with authority come down heavy on them, they deserve what they get. The same narrow mindset seems to apply to Members Of Parliament, of whatever political persuasion. For all their much-vaunted alleged love of the game, they still have their constituents (and party whips, not to mention party leaders!) opinions to think about. Stick up for someone on the wrong end of the treatment mentioned above at Question Time? More than my life?s worth, old boy. So, as a result, whenever you or I attend football matches ?controlled? by such people, basic civil liberties go right down the pan. Worrying? You bet it is, because the issue goes much wider than that.

You don?t need to be Russell Grant to see where my train of thought?s going, do you? If employees of rogue stewarding firms are routinely given carte blanche by their superiors to act in this law-breaking (and jaw-breaking) manner, it?s got to be a ?given? that their training in what to do in the event of a real emergency can?t be all that hot. And neither can the supervision. (When you pay peanuts, etc?) Until an MP chooses to forget political considerations for once, and persuades someone like David Blunkett to introduce appropriate regulatory legislation outlawing the cowboys, ensuring proper minimum standards are enforced, proper criminal record checks, and making it illegal for firms not to make their employees readily identifiable to the public, then the next Hillsborough might not be all that far away. Still happy for this state of affairs to exist at games? Don?t tell me, pal, tell your MP!

Back next Saturday evening, unless events make me think differently. See you then!

And finally?.. Those Dingles certainly seem to be sticking to their word last season concerning ?not doing an Albion?. The way they?re going on, emulating us by getting back into the Prem after but one year out of the spotlight will be pretty difficult, to say the least!

Oh ? and another thing?.. If you haven?t seen it already, can I recommend the Sunday Mirror?s account of Lee Hughes?s first days and nights in Winson Green? Normally, these things aren?t worth the paper they?re written on, but it seemed to me a straightforward and honest account of our former striker?s state of mind immediately after getting his sentence. Having been in the job for some considerable time, and having worked at that prison myself, and having got to know Lee a little over the years, I suspect that was the real Lee Hughes I ?saw?, not the inaccurate garbage I?ve been reading elsewhere. It?s also interesting to note from the piece that from all accounts, the prison authorities have tried to take some care with their choice of cell-mate for Lee, and did seem to locate him with someone half-sensible. Interesting, that, because normally, what?s jocularly known as ?screws? humour? is likely to prevail in these sort of cases. Mind you, I did have to do a double-take when I saw the name of the journo who wrote the piece ? a certain Simon Wright, would you believe? Just in case you think the person who wrote the piece is anything to do with my other half, think again! This chap used to write for ?Woman?s Own, and has been a journo for years. Mind you, for sheer coincidence, it?s absolutely astonishing!

 - Glynis Wright

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