The Diary

13 August 2004: A Blackburn Start - Ewood Have Thought It?

Back again, new season, new division, some new and exciting signings, new Premiership grounds to visit, for some, and despite being firmly enmeshed in the throes of depression this time last week, now the opening day draws nigh, I can, once more, feel the distant echo of what it feels like to be a Baggie reverberating from distant peaks. The comments about my inaugural piece are still coming in ? and, yes, perhaps I should have offered a more balanced viewpoint at the time. But, everyone has bad days, sometimes, and that Friday night must have been one of mine! As people have quite rightly pointed out it, isn?t all negative: the signings of Purse, Albrechtson, Greening, Scimeca, The Great Zoltan and Kanu ? especially Kanu - do seem it to indicate we?re out to make a better fist of it this time round, BUT all that good work will come to naught unless we can find another decent striker to welcome on board. And pretty soon, too, with the expiry of the transfer window looming on the horizon. If we could prise Dindane from Anderlecht before then, that would be just peachy ? 41 goals all told, including nine in Europe last term makes further comment superfluous ? but it looks as though Anderlecht will hang on like grim death to their treasure ? unless they?re kicked out of the Champions League, of course. They?re a goal down from the first leg at the moment. It?s not a totally-lost cause; I suspect they may be more willing to talk turkey nearer the deadline. My understanding is the guy really wants to leave the land of chips with mayonnaise, scrummy choccies, and lots of canals ? and he?s supposedly chummy with Kanu. As we all know, if a player doesn?t want to stay at a particular club for whatever reason, eventually that player will get his way. If we can offer him more than Pompey, though, we should be home and dry. Said she. Desperately!

For what it?s worth, it?s not just our own favourite football club that routinely earn my ire, honest: the current government, which labels itself ?socialist? when it?s quite patently the opposite ? Keir Hardy and Clement Attlee must spin in their graves on a daily basis - get the wrong end of my temper every time. What with constant ?reforms? that are nothing of the kind, cuts cunningly disguised as ?packages, or ?initiatives?, not to mention the multiplicity of PFI arrangements for new schools and hospitals we hear about so often, our TV constantly gets the ?thrown shoe treatment?. The threat of global warming, and America?s refusal to accept what?s staring them in the face does it every time. So does our beloved Prime Minister, who is currently supping, not with the devil, but his arrogant Italian counterpart instead, who, some contend, could run Old Nick pretty close for a job as leader of the Infernal Empire (not to mention total control of its media) if he wanted to. Horns and barbed tail optional, of course. Then there?s good old intellectually-challenged George Bush, bless his trumped-up wars and terrorist scares. And that lot?s just for starters. Just visit our house when the six o?clock news comes on, and you?ll get the idea pretty quickly: ?Im Indoors now routinely takes the course of least resistance by simply nodding sagely but mutely every time I blow my stack over some offending news item or another! What a wise chap he is.

Now to some brief pre Big Kick-Off thoughts on how we might fare in the higher league this term. (If we get hammered at Ewood Park tomorrow, feel free to vent your spleen later!) Provided we can get the right personnel in place, hopefully, we stand a much better chance this time of finding three outfits worse than ours. C(h)rystal Palace could well be one; I suspect they came up too soon, seem to have spent very little money on players to date (a quick check reveals all their summer signings to be free-transfers only), and that?s the reason they?ll very likely crash and burn in similar fashion to ourselves last time. And being totally unused to the current Prem, I reckon they?ll be in for the lion?s share of dodgy refereeing decisions as well, just like we were.

Norwich? It?s also their first time in this league for a while, although I suspect they?ll be far more prepared for the change than their Sarf London cousins. I still reckon they?ll find it hard-going, though ? they haven?t exactly flashed the cash in the transfer market, either. Guess which, of the three promoted clubs, has spent the most moolah? A prize to the man at the back in pink pyjamas. Which leaves us looking for Team Number Three ? which could well be Everton. They?ve a debt of around thirty million, I don?t think they?ll hang on to wunderkind Rooney (who only scored three in the Prem last season anyway), manager David Moyes isn?t a happy bunny, seemingly, and there?s much internal boardroom strife going on. I get the overall impression they?re coming apart faster than an MFI fitted-kitchen, and it?ll show on the pitch. Another ?possible? might be Pompey, or their good buddies Southampton. Villa? A delicious thought, but I really can?t see them coming off the rails this time.

Tomorrow? One certainty ? Jason Koumas and his marvellous midfield skills will be sitting this one out ? and all because he was daft enough to get red-carded at both the Stoke and Millwall games. And he?ll be the wallflower for the following three, and just when we needed him, as well; in fact Liverpool away will be his Premiership debut this term. Stupid boy. One other thought just to get all those nerves jangling a tad. Over the last three seasons, all the sides that have visited Ewood Park on the opening day ? Derby, Sunderland, The Dingles ? have been relegated. Eek! Enough of that, back to tomorrow: Houlty will be between the sticks, of course. At the back? Purse, Tommy ?G? and possibly Big Dave (literally?) blocking the middle. In ze wing-back slot, could it be we?re sticking with our old friend Bernt Hass with Robinson on the left? If so, I?ll just comment for the zillionth time, if Paul Robinson?s a wing-back, then I?m a very large and squishy banana ? so peel me. Midfield? Possibly AJ, Riccardo Scimeca and Jonathan Greening. Up front? The Horse and Kanu, tomorrow, I reckon. On the bench? Ooer. Murph, possibly Albrechtsen, Greegs ? why we?re trying to sell him, God only knows; he was a real hero last season - Gera and Dobes.

For their part, Rovers will have old man Dwight Yorke, not to mention our old friend Mr. Dickov at their disposal. Oh and while we?re on the subject of our finest, well done to Lloydy for getting that 2 year contract of his sorted out. Now, the question is, will our manager take the risk of actually playing him at the sharp end? Not tomorrow, as I don?t think he?ll figure in the squad, but in the future? It?s the only way to get experience, after all?s said and done, and it?s the only way to establish for sure whether Lloyd?s got what it takes at this level. Personally, I think he has the potential to turn into a very exciting player indeed ? provided he isn?t excessively regimented. We?ll just have to suck it and see as the season progresses, I suppose..

What a long row I have to hoe tonight, for one good reason or another, so I?ll get on a bit further. There?s a bit of confusion, currently, about whether Lee Hughes intends to appeal. Yesterday?s Mirror reckoned he most certainly was, the E and S say he?s undecided. If he does, whether against sentence, conviction, or both, I?ve no idea, as yet. Using a little intelligent guesswork, coupled with what bits of the law I do know, I would assume he?ll be appealing against the sentence and not the conviction; personally, as far as the latter goes, as I saw the evidence, I reckon both the judge and jury got it smack on. Looking at the length of the sentence dispassionately ? please note that word, potential critics! - I can see certain aspects of the case where it might be argued there may be grounds for an appeal, but, having said that, the fact he ran away and didn?t turn himself in to the police for a good 36 hours ? and what?s more, wouldn?t ?come clean? to the court as to his whereabouts during that time - isn?t going to be regarded in any favour by future Appeal Court judges looking at the case. There may also be an argument from his legal team Lee didn?t get a fair trial. I?m sure his legal advisers have already made him aware of the fact that the Court of Appeal can not only cut sentences, they can lengthen them as well, and given the current climate, it?s a fair assumption there?s more than a remote chance of that happening ? so, is it wise?.

More about this awful matter: the other day, I happened to be in our local butchers when I bumped into a chap who actually lives next door to Lee?s parents ? and, he tells me, they are absolutely devastated by what?s happened. Please note, Lee was never brought up by some stereotypical fag-in-mouth single parent living on some boarded up and burned-out council estate, but among loving people, in a hard-working and close-knit Black Country family, one very much like mine, in fact. What makes this series of tragic events, and its conclusion, even more poignant is that as the days go by, the ripples seem to spread further and further outwards. Lee?s parents and brothers had nothing whatsoever to do with what happened that Saturday night, but now, they, too, are victims. I wonder how more unfortunates will be ensnared in this pernicious mess before the summer?s through? Incidentally, Bob Taylor?s stated publicly he will be visiting Lee in prison the first opportunity he gets. Good on him.

And I don?t think the PFA?s suggestion of offering young players courses leading to Advanced Driving Tests will help much either. Two reasons: the first because at the time of the accident Lee was 28, married with two young kids, and second, lads of 17 or 18 routinely assume they?re invulnerable to the traffic mishaps that afflict others anyway. Come on, when you were that age, didn?t you think you could live forever? Most people did, myself included. When I was that age, I once rode pillion on a motor-bike ?doing the ton?, as it was known then ? the mere thought makes my skin crawl these days. The other consideration is that possession of such a qualification by youths of such tender age is only going to enhance such feelings of invulnerability ? ?I?ve got a bit of paper that says I?m a good driver, so it can?t happen to me?.? Maybe one of my correspondents hit it on the head when he suggested that perhaps the PFA should make suitable provision (a condition of membership, perhaps?) that a hefty proportion of young players? earnings go into a trust-fund for when they?re older, and more able to cope with telephone-number salaries? But, every time, I return to the fact that Lee wasn?t a young offender, but someone who was old enough to know better. Maybe the fact he?s paid such a harsh penalty for his stupidity might, just might, deter some other player from doing similar in future ? but knowing some footballers have the attention-span of a goldfish regarding such matters, I won?t hold my breath.

On to other things, now, and for me, quite a giggle. The other night, I was trying to ring The Noise to tell him of our travel arrangements for Saturday?s 2004-05 kick-off. Instead of him answering the phone, though, his wife Jane did.

?Where is he?? I asked, assuming Martin was at home ? I knew for certain Wedgwoods hadn?t claimed him that night.

?Er ? he?s in our extension roof,? replied, Jane.

?What?s he doing there, then?? said I, innocently expecting something on the lines of ?he?s doing the insulation? or ?he?s fixing the roof-tiles?.

Replied Jane, somewhat nervously, ?Er ? he?s shifting a wasp?s nest, actually???

It turned out that millions of the buzzy blighters had decided to set up home in our hero?s domicile this summer, and because of the sheer numbers, plus the real possibility of his kids being stung, old Gatling- Gun Gob decided Something Had To Be Done. Now, most people in that position would do the sensible thing and ring the council, wouldn?t they? Not our hero, oh no. Showing parsimonious tendencies of which Steve The Miser himself would have been proud ? The Noise justified his decision by saying the council charged ?40 for the first hour, then ?5 or ?6 per 15 minutes thereafter to do the job ? he decided to sort the problem himself. How did he tackle it? By going up a ladder, then spraying wasp-killer into a hole in the nest, then sealing it off with some kind of setting-foam ? and repeating the dose for several nights in succession!

The last I heard, he was actually in the process of shifting the thing to pastures new ? well away from civilisation, I hope - albeit protected by more layers of clothes than Michelin Man! A brave thing to do, and not a task I could willingly undertake; the last time I was ?close and personal? with wasps was in the 1976 drought, thanks to my moggies, who ?discovered? the flaming nest in the first place. The wasps didn?t chase them, but me ? the end result was three stings, an arm swollen the width of an elephant?s trunk, and a rapid trip to Casualty.

I?d have thought The Noise would have known better, personally ? the one and only time he?s ever been stung before, I was there. At Barnsley?s Oakwell ground, would you believe, one November day, many seasons ago? The thing was, he didn?t half react to it, and at one point really had me worried. He wasn't the only one, mind ? the first aid point at the ground was absolutely inundated with similarly-suffering Baggies that afternoon. Tut-tut to Dick away-match reporter Norm Bartlam who, when told the tale at a Dick contributors? get-together last night, reckoned The Noise could have got rid of the wasps in one fell swoop by simply opening his mouth wide and swallowing hard! Not that it?s been a good summer for The Noise; a few weeks back he was the victim of a nasty workplace accident to the end of his little finger ? ironic, really, as he?s one of the firm?s designated First Aiders! What happened? Well, let me put it this way, ever gripped a sausage really firmly? Applied enough pressure to bust the casing, and send the stuffing squidging out of the other end? Now think ?heavy machine? and then ?BLAM!? Quite.

Once more, as I did last season, some facts about our opponents? town you didn?t know, but briefly this time. Textiles were traditionally the thing in Blackburn, ever since Flemish weavers settled there in the 1400?s. By the reign of Good Queen Bess, Blackburn was a flourishing town of 2,000, with Irish flax being utilised in the production of fabrics. James Hargreave, the bloke who invented the Spinning Jenny ? did I hear groans from all those who had to suffer history at school just then? ? was a weaver in those there parts. Mahatma Ghandi once visited the town to study the weaving industry in detail, as part of a tour of Lancashire in general. Before he was assassinated, of course - I bet the Lancashire accent down a treat with him. The town also has a glorious history of brewing, but sadly, only one brewery remains today! Oh ? and Blackburn gets a mention in the Domesday Book. There?s nice.

Blackburn was also immortalised in the heavily dope-impregnated John Lennon song ?A Day In The Life? that appeared on the 1967 Beatles album Sergeant Pepper?s Lonely Hearts Club Band. You know the lyrics: ?I read the news today, oh boy/Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire/And though the holes were rather small, they had to count them all/Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall?..? Drug-ridden lyrics or not, it?s because of that Blackburn is now remembered primarily for those words, while the poor Spinning Jenny has been relegated to the backdrops of history. Shame! Incidentally, someone on one of the town?s websites reckons there are, in fact, 4002 of the damn things lurking around in the borough, but I?m not exactly going to rush to verify this information tomorrow!

Famous Blackburn people? John Morley, writer, 1838-1923; David Fowler, early Greek mathematics historian, 1937-2004; James Beattie, Southampton and England striker. And that?s about it. Sorry. Unless you know better, of course.

And finally?? Many thanks to Dick contributor and author Ritchie Brentnall who (inadvertently!) confessed the following to me at our pre-season soiree on Thursday night?.. On the day of our Ipswich away fixture last season, instead of cheering the lads on at Portman Road as would normally be his wont, our hero was sitting in a Marbella hostelry instead, watching events live via a TV perched atop the bar counter. When we went 2-1 in the lead, Ritchie could contain himself no longer! Off he went outside, like a bat out of hell, glass in hand, roaring like a banshee on illicit drugs, flicking the old ?V?s? left right and centre ? right at the precise moment a very solemn Catholic religious procession chose to walk past! Much chastened, our hero then returned to his beery perch ? only to find that Ipswich had equalised once more!

Tara, see you all tomorrow night.

 - Glynis Wright

Contact the Author

Diary Index