The Diary

07 August 2004: Boavista - A Premiership Dress Rehearsal?

My 2004-05 opener ? did I hear someone at the back mutter ?suicide note?, just now? - didn?t half provoke some comment today, pretty much all of it favourable, I?m tickled to say. In fact, while batting the breeze and generally minding my own business by the Smethwick End Police Post prior to kick-off, several Baggies, home and away regulars all, actually took the trouble of deviating from their appointed journey to the turnstiles just to tell me I?d got it about spot-on last night, and for that feedback, I thank ?em profusely. A small ?boo? to the chap who mailed from all of 10,000 miles away ? correspondence addressed to ?Im Indoors,(who has nothing whatsoever to do with the content of this diary, by the way), NOT me! ? telling me (abbreviated version) to ?open my eyes?! Which is precisely what I?ve done, sunshine, and no ? I don?t belong to any ?circle?, ?charmed? or otherwise, not even the Magic Circle, or a sewing one, for that matter. Sorry. Just as well I never got around to mentioning Albion?s ?changing both shirts every season in future? rip-off ? erm, sorry, ?merchandising opportunity? ? then, wasn?t it?

But, enough of one small zit on the pristine and peach-like complexion of this missive, and on to what we Dick-less Dick Eds got up to this sultry and sweaty early August afternoon. A three o?clock start, ?tis true, but since the demise of the Throstle Club, nowhere, really, to wet our whistles ? so we simply cut out the middleman and brought our own soft drinks to the ball, Cinders. We?d already arranged to meet The Fart by the Smethwick Police Post ? no Noise, turning out pots by the ton for Wedgwoods and England, presumably ? but as our destination neared, what did I espy all a-shimmer in the heat haze? No, not The Fart, but an ice-cream van, no less; not surprising, given the ambient temperature, but never before had I seen one bearing the legend ?Will?s Ices?! Blimey, had the old codger diversified into the mobile catering business and not told us, then? Naturally, I had to get a pic, and, even better, not long afterwards, the Genuine Article turned up to purchase a cornet as well, so before he could even say ?a large 99 with pretty bits in, please?, the old soldier was quickly corralled into posing leaning on the radiator of said vehicle, ill-gotten but icy gains in hand! Remember that ice-cream van, readers, because, just like a dodgy Vindaloo, it?s going to come back again well before this column?s run its natural.

Having exchanged various bits of correspondence, newspaper clippings, mirages, perspiration, and all that jazz, we simply spent the remaining time before kick-off, as I said earlier, ?batting the breeze?. Oh, and by the way, one of the items our resident war veteran passed on to us was a missive from someone called Natasha Morris, who?s currently in the final year of an art and design degree at Central College of Art and Design, London. She?s doing a thesis for her final assessment, which involves producing a video, the subject of which will be individual supporters singing their team?s songs/chants alone in that team?s ground. What the gal needs right now is some Baggie bodies to do the actual singing for our bit, which is why she approached us for help in the first place. If you think you can assist this chapess in her hour of need, write to: 11, Kenilworth Avenue, Wimbledon, London, SW19 7LN, or get her on: singinganymore@hotmail.com for further info. Not us! Please! Perhaps our chums the Satanic Nurses might feel constrained to assist? Well, it makes a change from giving sergeant majors from here to Berkshire apoplexy, as per their ?thank God we?ve got a Navy!? military look at the Maj Stad late last term!

Now, where was I? Oh yes ? while we were rabbiting on like the clappers in that awful heat, we took the opportunity of grabbing a willing ?victim? of Terry?s for modelling purposes. Thanks for showing off the new away shirt for me and my ever-hungry midget camera, mate, much appreciated, even if my gadget?s electronics did elect to take a quiet siesta and not realise I wanted to use the shutter button until about a couple of minutes after I?d pressed it fit to bust. Into the ground, then, about 15 minutes before ?lift-off?, ?Im Indoors courtesy of an old-fashioned bit of paper. Didn?t they used to call them ?tickets?, or something, once? Moi? Mine was on my stilecard, as God intended. How come? Oh dear, it?s a long story, so I won?t bore you with it. At least I now know mine works!

Inside, and straight to our Halfords Lane seats, totally in the shade, thank goodness, which represented quite a contrast to the East Stand, The Brummie, and a fair portion of the Smethwick; punters seated in those areas must have fried like lobsters, poor sods. What the temperature was on that pitch I can?t even begin to imagine, and quietly dehydrating in that lot, you didn?t need to be Jimmy Hill to work out that today?s fare was going to be a bit short on ?thrill-a-minute? end-to-end stuff, but very long indeed on measured passes and football played in the slow lane, overall, with lots of ?refreshment breaks? chucked in for good measure. Fit as they might be, ?Megson-fit?, even, in that awful heat, they had my undying sympathy. Oh, and can someone tell me why it was deemed necessary for our lot to play in away shirts, and our visitors to play in their (black chequered, and quite impossible to mistake for ours) home strip? On the occasion of our 125th anniversary? Yet another cynical ?marketing opportunity?? Sorry, but it just ain?t on. The side? Houlty, Bernt Hass, Robinson, Gaardsoe, Albrechtson, Purse, AJ, Scimeca, The Horse, Dobes, Greening. Subs: Kuszczac (have I got that one right, Chris/Dot L?), Big Dave, Kanu (may his name/expensive price-tag be forever blessed, or something), Clem, O?Connor and Dyer. No great Zoltan to tell us all our fortunes, then? Nope, according to scuttlebutt, the Hungarian FA still have to fax his papers to their English counterparts, which they haven?t done thus far, naughty Magyars that they are ? unless our lot are still bonking like demented rabbits down there, and have yet to look up from their procreative ?labours? to see what?s come elsewhere in the office!

Off we went, then, and ? well, the best way I can sum up today?s proceedings is in the phrase, ?Everything changes, but nothing changes?. Sure, we seemed to start off quite brightly, playing 4-4-2 (ish) at first, and went very close with a Bernt Hass cross-cum-shot that just shaved the Smethwick far post in the 7th minute, but, unsurprisingly, given the conditions, such enterprise became more of a rarity as the half progressed. Incidentally, Boa had players wearing both ?66? and ?96? squad numbers on their shirts, which must be a record ? unless you know better, of course! Mind you, the second one could have been an oblique reference to the ambient temperature out there!

Such was the decreasing pace of the game, it wasn?t until the 22nd minute that Houlty was seriously tested in his Brummie Road rectangular fastness, plus another moment of panic with 30 minutes gone when the lad uncharacteristically ?dropped one? right in front of the target, but the situation was quickly retrieved by defensive colleagues. Still, we could see some tender shoots of what I would term ?proper football? trying to emerge out there, that first half, so it wasn?t all a half-hearted sort of effort, something which could auger well for when the bullets start to fly in earnest, next week ? assuming it?s allowed to continue, of course. Sadly, though, as the game progressed, we seemed to revert back to the same old thing, 3-5-2, like it or lump it ? and just like last term, there was defence in depth, little or no midfield, and forwards left isolated and starved up-front. Oh dear. The visitors could have scored near the end of the half, their attempt just flashing narrowly by, but the biggest buzz of the half came as Kanu commenced warning up at the corner nearest The Brummie. Blimey, if he generates that sort of excitement when he?s merely exercising, what?s going to happen when he finally puts one away?

Half-time, then, and with that, our only change of personnel. Off came The Horse, and on came our Bright New Hope, Mr. Kanu, to loud applause and cheers from the 7,000-odd crowd. And it didn?t take long before he made his mark; with about 5 minutes gone, he led the opposition a very merry dance with some very nifty footwork indeed before laying off to Robinson, whose attempt only narrowly went wide. Not long after that, AJ nearly made a name for himself, but AJ being AJ, the header went well over the bar. Talking of our hirsute midfielder, an awful mix-up between him and Robinson nearly let our opponents in for what seemed to be a distinctly career-stopping ?winner on a plate?, and right on the halfway line, as well. No defenders anywhere near, the bladder was finally threaded to another one of theirs, who, luckily for our errant twosome, missed, with only Houlty to beat. You can make those sort of errors in the Nationwide, or in a friendly, and live to tell the tale, but you won?t get that luxury at Blackburn next week, Albion. Heed the warning.

The rest? A further chance from the visitors apart, I suppose the heat, plus the ultra-defensive tactics displayed by both participants that half, was the real winner; all in all, I reckon those players out there were mighty glad when the ref finally called it a day. Oh ? and perhaps someone ought to quietly mention to Boavista today?s affair was only a friendly, honest! With four bookings to their ?credit?, with our tally pristine, I don?t really think they got their pretty little Portuguese heads around that one, somehow! A tad worrying, though, to see us reverting to tactics of old, as mentioned earlier in my piece; as I?ve said before, it might have worked last season, but in 2002-03, we were well and truly found out, and very quickly, too. More worryingly, as the game progressed, it looked more and more as though what we saw on the pitch today is what we?ll get at Ewood Park next Saturday. Kanu and The Horse apart, everyone else played the allotted span. We could get another forward in before that date, of course, but even then, with everyone constantly packing the defence, what chance will our main armament have? You have to get the ball over the halfway line to score, remember?

Game over, out into the brilliant sunlight once more ? and guess what? Remember that ice-cream van, the one with the Fart?s name on it? Well, by the time we emerged from the ground, it had acquired a companion, proudly bearing the intriguing title ? this is no word of a lie, by the way ? ?Mr. Simon?s ?! Trust ?Im Indoors to have the last word!

Back on Monday night, after our first Premier Reserve League game of the season, and at The Shrine, for once. The opponents? Our old ?friends?, The Dingles. Just as long as they know their Coca Cola place once inside those hallowed top-flight portals, that?s what I say! Actually, I hear they?re going to have to put out a team consisting mostly of kids; thanks to them not replacing outgoing players, they?re down to just 18 full-blown squad-members, and as their seniors will have done (bruising?) battle with those pesky chattering Stokies just 24 hours previously?. Quite.

And now ? a serious bit. Some of you might remember Chris Billingham, the young man who used to do the filming for Albion?s end-of-season videos in days of yore, around the early-to-mid ?90?s, until unexpectedly superseded by the present Albion set-up? Sadly, he passed away quite suddenly just a few months ago, and just after he was married, as well. The Noise knew him best of all as he co-commentated with Chris?s brother, Andy, for quite some time during our lower division days, and the seasons immediately thereafter. As Queen sang, many moons ago, ?Only The Good Die Young?. I, plus many other supporters, knew Chris to be one of the kindest and most generous people this world could ever know ? which makes his untimely demise even sadder and crueller still. A belated RIP, Chris, wherever you are.

 - Glynis Wright

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