The Diary

18 March 2004: Hammers Derail Crewe - Could The Heat Be On?

Just when we thought we might have finally conquered those nasty rocky mountain peaks and prepared for our triumphal descent into the lush and fertile plains of the Prem below, West Ham have now served upon us due notice they?re not going to give the pursuit up without a fight. The final score for their game tonight? West Ham 4 Crewe 2. That emphatic win (although The Railwaymen did give the home side a nasty attack of the collywobbles in the second half, when they managed to pull two back in short order) shoves them into third place, and ten behind us. The message for our troops? Keep winning, and sod everyone else.

That win shows us precisely why it?s imperative we get something at Stoke on Saturday; that means West Ham then have to match like for like the following day, when they take on Millwall. The good news? I was being ironic, of course. This one has the full potential to be one of the meanest and nastiest local derbies since the invention of the napalm bomb. You think Albion-Wulves encounters should have UN troops in attendance? Well, try its East End equivalent for size some time; even Hans Blix would throw his hands up in despair trying to sort that one out. When confronted with the prospect of a game versus Millwall, like Queen Victoria, Hammers fans are apt to say, ?We are not interested in the possibility of defeat?. Glad it?s them, and not us. Ouch. The bad news? With The Lions now in the FA Cup semis, and having just come out of a gruelling quarter-final replay, they might well feel they?ve got bigger fish to fry. That just might make the Hammers? task in East London what the Yanks call a ?shoo-in?.

The other danger, of course, is Sunderland. Next Saturday, they play Reading, away, and looking at their next 5 games up to the 10th April you could easily imagine them picking up points. Gillingham, Derby, Wimbledon, and Sheffield United? Sure, the first two are enmeshed in troubles of their own, so they might well put up a bit of a fight, but Wimbledon are as near relegated as makes no odds, and as for Sheffield United, although their automatic promotion hopes have been thoroughly blown, pretty much ? copious quantities of crocodile tears for Colin, here ? they?ll still want to jostle a bit for an advantageous final play-off position. Another vagrant thought about their form ? their home record hasn?t been too good of late. Hopefully, though, the Wearsiders will get past Millwall in the Cup semi-finals, and by the time we play them, they won?t be too bothered about what we do.

Sure, I know, looking at the table as it stands, we?re in a very rosy position indeed, and it would take a monumental effort by The Hammers or Sunderland for either of them to catch us. Trouble is, though, we know it can be done, and we are the ones supplying the role-model, as per our astonishing achievement of two seasons ago. But it?s not just that; Baggies supporters retain a folk-memory of chronic underachievement and last-gasp heartbreak over the years, and it?s nigh-on impossible to break the habit. As Paul Wooding said on the mailing-list tonight, ?for all of Megson's considerable success he's never got rid of the 'we're bound to f*** it up' mentality in us fans, built up over many years of abject failure.? To be fair to our manager, though, this isn't completely down to him; as the Old Fart will quite cheerfully tell you, over the years, we?ve been subjected to some bloody awful managers, players and performances. After some of our more noteworthy failures ? you don?t need me to furnish you with a comprehensive list, do you? - the best course of action has been to find a large paper bag, and walk around the town with it on one?s head; anything to prevent being recognised as an Albion supporter. That sort of thing?s been happening to our favourite football team ever since the days of Stoney Lane, handlebar moustaches, solid leather balls and impossibly-long shorts, and you aren?t going to see a sea-change in supporter attitudes overnight.

That?s why I?m advocating us treating every game as if it?s ?the? one that takes us back to the big-time, no let-up permissible. There?s been a considerable amount of discussion on the mailing-list today about the precise number of points/games won that will make it impossible for anyone to catch us. Some are saying four wins will be enough, although I?d much rather play safe and go for the five, as I opined last night. Should we rattle off the points in quick order, then the final games of the season could see a mass letting down of hair (and of steam) in our ranks, and for once, our end-of-season bash ? it?s at Reading?s Madjeski Stadium this time, see below ? could be a fun time for everyone. In any case, I wouldn?t want to have a repeat performance of all the angst we suffered two seasons ago when playing ?catch-up? with our local rivals. It was sure as hell fun afterwards, but there were times I did have some serious doubts about my poor old ticker lasting the pace.

And, talking about nasty shocks to the system, what about the one poor Harold Salt had recently? As some of you may know, Harold is of The Fart?s generation, and has been a Baggie since time immemorial (he sits not far from us in The Halfords Lane Stand), but not that long ago, he was suddenly taken ill with gall-bladder trouble, had to be carted off to hospital, and an operation performed to remove the offending organ ? but that wasn?t the worst bit of the experience, so Harold tells me. What made the whole thing even more excruciating was waking up after the op and finding a Dingle in the next bed! I?m now wondering as to whether such a deplorable occurrence could constitute grounds for subsequent litigation against the hospital concerned? Comparatively speaking, I?m sure Harold could have withstood the ravages of either MRSA or necrotising fascitis with exemplary fortitude ? but a bloody Dingle? Too unspeakable for words.

Another reminder about the theme for our end-of season thrash at Reading ? and come the time, if results over the next few weeks go our way, we might well be able to celebrate in style without worrying about the final score ? for which we need your votes. Not me personally, I?m nothing whatsoever to do with all the publicity, etc., but to our mate Anc, who is. Just to recap, the themes are a choice of four: Barmy Army; Vikings (a la Tommy Gaardsoe); Reading Rock; and last, but not least, The Lord?s My Shepherd. How to vote? Send an email to anc.world@tesco.net with a subject heading of READING THEME and your choice of theme in the message. All email addresses will remain confidential. Results in about a week.

And finally?. One. Thanks to Norm Bartlam for this one! A geographical error from last night: Norm says the `bloke behind me': screamed, ?F*** off Wigan, get back to yer pier and candy floss!? Although coarse in the extreme, the rantings of this gentleman do raise some serious questions about precisely where he thinks Wigan is located! Our hero, a teacher himself, thinks he should take a bloody long walk along a short pier to find out!

Two. If there were an award for Albion services above and beyond the call of duty to be given, then I reckon Dick contributor Steve Sant ought to get it. He had hoped the train bringing him back from Cheltenham Races to Birmingham would get him back there well in time for kick-off last night, but it being the railways, yep, you?ve guessed it; with but a few hundred yards to go to journey?s end, New Street, the train came to a juddering halt ? and stayed there, and stayed, and stayed?. The end result was Steve finally made it to the ground, but it was half-time by the time he got there! Just as well he hadn?t missed all that much, then, wasn?t it?

 - Glynis Wright

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