The Diary

08 March 2004: Hammering The Point Home?

The time? 9 pm tonight. The place? Ours. What happened? The phone rang, cutting the living-room silence like a knife. Not an uncommon occurrence at GD Towers, it?s fair to say, but the voice on the other end certainly sprung a surprise packet. ?Is that Mr. Wright?? (Hubby, working on the next Dick upstairs, joins me from the other extension)

?Simon Wright??

?Er ? yes,? says my other half somewhat suspiciously.

?This is Gary Megson?s solicitor, here.?

?Oh, yes??

?My client wishes to make it clear he?s becoming quite fed up of your constant criticism, and therefore has no alternative but to commence immediate legal action against you.?

?Im Indoors: ?Oh, really??

I won?t go into great detail about precisely what my other half said to the voice at the other end by way of reply ? but it was short, sharp and extremely rude! Fortunately, we both knew it was leetle London teenker and West Ham fanzine editor Tony Fowles attempting to perpetrate a wind-up job on us both ? and failing dismally! And yes ? just as I predicted recently, after their unexpected home draw versus lowly Walsall, he?s now in an even bigger state of confusion about this division and what makes it tick. He should worry; after we shot through the old First Division trapdoor in 1986, we all thought getting back would be a piece of the proverbial. Come the turning of the new century, there we were, still stuck fast in all that gloopy mid-table muck, and still cursing richly about our fate, so I can see where he?s coming from. Tony, not knowing that much about our neck of the woods prior to this term, reckons the whole thing has been a bit of an adventure for their followers thus far ? trips to Rotherham, Crewe, Gilllingham, etc.; once seen, never forgotten! ? but if the Hammers are not careful, as happened with us, this division can quite easily end up becoming their own personal Lethe. Coventry, Wimbledon, Watford, Forest, Sheffield United: perfect role models, n?est ce pas?

What does astonish me, though, is the way West Ham?s gates have withstood the seismic shock of relegation from the Prem. Human nature being what it is, I would have expected a fair proportion of Hammers aficionados to desert for a more prosperous/successful London outfit, but it just didn?t happen. Even yesterday, playing what might be perceived to be an unattractive side, they still shoehorned 33,000 plus into Upton Park ? their average is an extraordinary 31,000. We did ask Tony why that was, and he reckons that historically, Hammers fans have always been ultra-loyal to the club, so a small matter such as the drop didn?t dampen their ardour one little bit. Incredible, although the ?kids for a quid? type scheme they run down there does help considerably, apparently. As Tony is such a genial sort of cove, and talks such a lot of sense about the game, I suppose I?ll end up having to wish him well in the play-offs ? providing we?re not in them, of course!

And, talking apropos promotion rivals, hands up all those who watched both FA Cup quarter-finals today? Although the first of these ended with neither combatant?s nets impregnated, it does mean The Lions now have to make the arduous journey to Merseyside for the replay, which means yet another match for them to sort out on top of their continuing efforts to secure a play-off place. I must say, I rather fancy Tranny, Mickey Mellon, Shane Nicholson and all, to triumph at Prenton Park, but should they do so, they might do us a disservice, albeit indirectly. What I want to see, by the time we travel there, at any rate, is one completely knackered side facing us. Mind you, should they get into the semis, and do the impossible, it could be they?ll have one eye on preserving their carcasses in pristine condition for Cardiff by then. Either way, we can?t lose, if you see what I mean.

The same, of course, applies to Sunderland, who completely ruined Colin W?s day late this afternoon by grabbing an early goal, then hanging on to it like grim death. I do have a theory about Sheffield United, which I ran past my beloved just afterwards, and it?s this. Last season, they got as far as the FA Cup semis, but went out to The Gunners. In controversial circumstances, admittedly, but they did fall at the final hurdle. They were all-out favourites to triumph over The Dingles at Cardiff, but they blew that play-off final as well, which didn?t amuse me one little bit as we were on holiday in Ireland at the time ? the landlady of our B and B let us watch the thing on her TV set, and couldn?t understand why we switched the telly off in complete disgust come the end of the first half!

This season? Until comparatively recently, they were in an excellent position to claim one of the automatic promotion spots as their own, but thanks to that awful losing streak not long ago, which included our gutsy 2-1 win on their own muck-heap, their ambitions must now be restricted to those of the knock-out variety once more. Conclusion? Sheffield United and their obnoxious leader Neil Warnock are chronic ?bottlers?! Returning to the subject of Sunderland once more, the same scenario I postulated for the East Londoners could apply to them by the time we travel to their place come the end of April: it all hinges upon what comes out of the semi-final draw tomorrow. Taking the cynical view, you might expect the names of Man Urinal and The Arse to come out of the little black bag separately, thereby effectively killing off any lingering hope of a Nationwide club appearing in the final for once. Can?t have all those TV companies, big-name sponsors and corporate entertainers losing out on potential advertising revenue, can we? Should the minnows get a fair shake, though, and either Millwall or Sunderland do it, then I?m sure every Baggie in creation will be hoping like hell they?ll be performing with only half a mind on the job come the time we play ?em.

Returning to the subject of yesterday?s game once more, I was somewhat taken aback by emails from Baggies suggesting we didn?t play all that badly yesterday. I really can?t understand where people like Anc get all their sang froid from. A Tesco special offer, perhaps? Maybe over forty years of nerve-wracked Baggie-watching has done unspeakable things to my brain cells, because from the moment we kicked off until the moment we scored our third, I was in an almost constant state of worry. My main concern for most of the game was the fact we were putting everyone behind the ball, and not leaving someone back to pick up any stray balls from corners etc. Because we defended so deeply, this meant, of course, we had difficulty just getting the ball over the halfway line. It was only when Lloyd Dyer came on we really began to attack them ? and they didn?t like it one little bit. As for individual performances, I thought The Horse did well, as did Big Dave and, deservedly so, in my opinion, Chambo, who got the nod in place of the below-par Bernt Hass. Perhaps I was a bit hard on our leader in expecting him to drop the lad like a hot brick once the Norwich marking job had been done and dusted. Tommy Gaardsoe was his usual imperturbable self at the back; nothing ever seems to rattle him thank goodness ? not even the huge bulk of Big Dave. I?m still amazed by the cute bit of business on our part that brought him to The Shrine in the first place.

Houlty? He still worries me. Not because of his play, it?s his fitness. I really don?t think he?s back to his usual form, right now, and seemed to struggle a wee bit towards the end. It astonishes me he can still perform to that high standard despite labouring under the handicaps of three slipped discs and a cracked vertebra. I?d understand if we didn?t have adequate goalkeeping cover, but Murph has shown in recent games he?s a very capable understudy indeed. Having read what he had to say on the icBrum website today, it?s clear it?s his decision alone to play on until the end of the current term. I just hope Russell doesn?t exacerbate any existing problems by doing so; life post-forty isn?t so good if you?ve got a dodgy back to contend with as well.

Incidentally, while we were walking down Halfords Lane post-match yesterday, we both noted the reappearance of a phenomenon that first manifested itself a few weeks ago, when we played Cardiff. Puzzled? The answer?s simple; a line of rozzers blocking the Halfords Lane entrance to the Metro station below. The problem was, there were an awful lot of Baggies that needed to get to those platforms; unfortunately, when it was decided to embark upon this course of action, no-one thought to tell the public about it consequently, the queues ended up blocking the road, near enough. A bit ironic, considering there has been a concerted campaign of late to tempt supporters away from their cars and on to public transport! If what we saw yesterday is going to be a regular occurrence, it?s dead in the water before they?ve even started. Either that, or issue Metro passengers to the Hawthorns with a crystal ball each, to be consulted immediately prior to the final whistle! Surely a large notice on the station platform itself, at Snow Hill and/or the West Bromwich stop before the game would have been of help? Or is basic common sense a commodity not encouraged in the West Midlands Constabulary?s higher ranks these days?

Mind you, try to complain to the Chief Plod about such issues and see how far it gets you. A few weeks ago, I did precisely that, my gripes chiefly revolving around the contentious issue of the seeming lack of adequate post-match traffic control on routes leading away from the ground. Ten days or so later, I received a reply, but because it had been sent to the fanzine address and not our private one, as clearly requested in the original correspondence, the letter sent was already around ten days old. And that wasn?t all; in it, the gentleman who replied accused me of making derogatory comments about his officers, all of whom did an excellent job controlling post-match traffic, of course! Talk about a knee-jerk response; clearly, the guy had only read the contents superficially, at best. I wouldn?t have minded, but in my original letter, I went to great trouble to describe the problems in constructive terms, along with possible ways of improving matters. As far as what I said about his staff was concerned, I could only ?tell it like it was?; there were shortcomings at certain points, mainly caused by the seeming inertia of the coppers detailed to actually do something about the mess! No, I didn?t mention individual officers, either by name, rank or number, so how I?m making personal comments about them (or him, come to think about it!) completely beats me.

And the reply I got in response to my second letter wasn?t any better; for whatever reason, the guy is still completely fixated on the derogatory comments I?ve allegedly made about the performance of his bobbies, and his continuing perception that I?ve got it in for his special constables. Perhaps he should get out more? I?d understand his somewhat abrasive tone were I an acne-ridden teenager with light fingers and a serious drug problem, but I?m almost 52 years of age, have no criminal record whatsoever, and because I served in a similar service for some 17 years, I am more than acutely aware of the difficulties police officers can experience in the course of their duties. Personally, I find it quite sad we both hold such divergent views; it?s the increasing realisation that I might as well talk to my Halfords Lane Stand seat as try to engage in constructive dialogue with this bloke that?s prompted me to go public about this, finally. Believe it or not, I am, basically, on their side, but what has gone on regarding this issue is fast eroding what respect I did have for the boys in blue.

Tomorrow sees our reserves in action at Kiddy Harriers once more, this time versus our phocine friends from Aston, who currently top the division, I believe. It should be quite a squad we?ll put out simply because we appear to have such a wealth of talented and experienced second-stringers right now. There?s Murph, for starters, folkies like Gilly, Volmer, Hughsie, Dobes, Facey, Skoubo, N?Dour, Dyer, maybe; the list?s endless. I?m willing to bet anything you like if we wanted to, we could put out quite a passable First Division side just by utilising these lads, and no-one else. Should be quite a game: should you get bored, just chuck our opponents a ripe-smelling cod or three, and with any luck, they?ll desist from playing the ball to feet and balance it on the end of their ample noses instead. More on that game tomorrow night.

And finally?.. Those who travelled to Upton Park both this season and last will truly appreciate this! Have you heard the one about the West Ham supporters who, no matter what the result is come the final whistle, absolutely love coming to The Hawthorns? No? Well, they do, purely and simply because they know they?ll get home much faster from The Shrine than they do when they go to a Hammers home game!

 - Glynis Wright

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